July 31st, 2011 2:47 A.M.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling now. I broke up with Adam, he’s my first love; shouldn’t I be bawling my eyes out right now? I guess I was right. He’s changed so much from what he used to be, so distant, so cold. He lied to me, was rude and was just plain hurtful over and over again. And yet, Adam, if you just said you were sorry and that you wanted to try again, would I go back to you? Yeah, I probably would. I gave you four years of my unrequited love; if you only returned it in the slightest, without tying my hands behind my back and asking me to climb another mountain, I would be on cloud nine. But now everything’s over. In one night I lost my first love, and my best friend. But for some reason… I feel nothing, no anger from all the issues we had; just nothing, nothing at all. Does that mean what I felt for you wasn’t love? Was I just being immature still, and making something into what it wasn’t? I’ve ached for you for so long and maybe because of our situation this break is a representation of me finally moving on from you, maybe nothing is what moving on truly is. I guess I’ll have to figure it out eventually, right? Hopefully my true, new beginning is right around the corner.

 

August 2nd, 2011 12:53 A.M.

The thoughts have lessened significantly, but the problem is still the same; at night when I think in the darkness, hoping for sleep to come, all that greets me is you and painful memories. I lost you in one summer. My only question left is a hard one. Should I even come back? I can only name a few people who would even miss me now that you’re gone. From you I’ve finally learned to accept that I can’t win and control everything in my life. But was it worth it? This journey that has finally ended… filled with so much pain and heartache just because of you. I wish I could ask why, but I know it wouldn’t do me any good. There’s so much pain, and not much growth to do here. Is it worth it to come back? I thought I had ‘found’ myself, but even now I’m unsure. But I can’t think of anyone or anything here that can help me. So for that reason alone, is it worth it to ever come back? Can I just avoid this place as much as possible? How do I find the answers to all the questions that I seek? Will I ever? Can I ever be good enough?

 

August 3rd, 2011 1:44 A.M.

Does the fact that I’m sexually still attracted to him mean that I’m not over him? Or does that seem a little ridiculous? Or to move on from someone, does it just mean that I have to be emotionally over them? Can I even be emotionally over him? I still don’t even know what happened, everything just… began to crumble, right before my eyes. I guess I’m just too blind to see it, and because of it I lost my boyfriend, my best friend, and my first love all at once. How do I move on from that? I’d like to say that I feel nothing at all for him anymore, but as soon as I look at him, my heart aches and a small glimmer of hope begs that he’s hurting as much as I do. Even though I seriously do it, it’s not to say I don’t have self-respect, it’s just… it’s him. I don’t know, I really have no idea what to do at this point sexually, emotionally – whatever it is that I should do. On a side note, how do I ever hope of continuing my stories without him? Do I continue even though every single letter reminds me of him?

 

August 3rd, 2011 10:50 A.M.

Sadly enough I dreamt for the first time in weeks, and I still haven’t figured out if it was a nightmare or not. I was watching TV with him, and suddenly he just sat on my lap and kissed me deeply. It was the most pleasurable dreaming experience of my life. But at the same time, I was acutely aware of the fact that he was still going to leave me.  Why does my subconscious want to jerk me around like this?

 

August 3rd, 2011 11:49 P.M.

I think I think about you less and less every day, though I’m not sure if that’s truly me getting over you or not. Though it’s probably just a defense mechanism of mine so that I don’t go insane trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, what I could have done to make the relationship work. I absolutely hate that whole its out my hands crap. I need control. I need an explanation for everything. It’s truly such a huge part of me, and I feel like you never giving me that answer is why it feels like you’ve taken a part of me. Will I ever truly get over you? Can I ever accept it? I just feel so alone now; there’s no one else like you who I talk to everyday, that constant connection with someone else… just gone. There’s something else on my mind, I saw it on “House”. (Yeah, I know, stupid right?) He said that happiness is being content and satisfied with yourself. But what if I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied with myself? There’s always something about me that I can try to work on do to better at. If that’s the case, does that mean I’ll never be happy?

 

August 5th, 2011 1:00 A.M.

Today a realization hit me; I’m basically alone and no one truly understands me anymore. I feel like a young angsty teenager and it disgusts me because I’m supposed to be stronger than this, I’m supposed to be better than this. But now I have no one, I used to talk to you every single day and now you’re deleting me off of Facebook. Look at what we’ve become. Saddening isn’t it? I don’t even know if I should come back. I don’t even know anymore. I don’t even know myself anymore. I mean am I a pansexual? Bi-Sexual? Gay? Am I agnostic, deist, atheist? Why does it even fucking matter? Why do I even consider being single for the rest of my life for a career when I can’t even handle being without Adam for a few days? What the fuck is wrong with me? What am I going to do with myself?

 

August 6th, 2011 1:00 A.M.

I want to scream at you, yell at you with every fiber of my being and tell you to go fuck yourself, that you’re worth nothing to me and I made a huge mistake. I want to be angry and furious and upset with you all at the same time. And yet… I can’t, instead I just feel a sad, empty loneliness when I think of you, and I have no idea what to do. You were always the one true variable in my life. Everything else was constant, and now you’re gone. And I have no idea what to do anymore. I know that I shouldn’t need you to live, but without you nothing is as bright or vibrant as it used to be. How do I move on from losing my first love and my best friend simultaneously? My hope grows dimmer and dimmer every day, the hope of a new horizon. What do I do? I’m just too tired to do anything anymore.

 by Kay S.

Published November 1, 2011

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