August 7th, 2011 2:55 P.M.

I slept over at Robbie and Ronnie’s house last night with Tabor. And you know what? I’ve decided that I can overcome Adam. We wouldn’t have worked out. He wasn’t mentally or emotionally strong enough to handle my roundabout way of thinking and he might never be. We would’ve never worked out with our specific neurotic tendencies. It sucks, but it means that I have a reason to move on. It just bothers me that I wasted all my time with him; I could’ve done so many other things. And from now on I need to look on the positive side of life, instead of being focused on the negatives all the time. Also I learned that I’m sexually attracted to both Robbie and Ronnie, as well as Tabor, and that I would probably sleep with any of them given the chance. But I probably wouldn’t date any of them, or I would severely hesitate to do so. I don’t even know what I want from a relationship, or sex, anymore. What am I? Bi-Sexual, Pan-Sexual, Gay? How do I figure all of this out? And even if I was sexually attracted to girls, would I want to date one?

I have a lot of thinking to do, I can’t let Adam get in the way anymore.

August 8th, 2011 3:14 P.M.

I think that the moment when I found out that Adam was bi-sexual, and that he had another aspect of his personality that I had never known, that was the defining moment of our entire relationship. That was the ultimate betrayal that caused the downfall of everything. From that point on we were doomed to fail. Now I have to decide whether or not to try to salvage the parts and re-establish communication, or to just move on and do nothing unless he gets the ball rolling.

I think I’ll choose the second option.

Good-bye Adam, I’ll always love you.

August 9th, 2011 12:26 A.M.

I feel as if my life is the calm before the storm right now as if at any moment I could just fall apart or nap; breakdown or die. But what I’m truly hoping for is that I become even more enlightened and mature to grow more, to just release everything peacefully and reach the next chapter in my life. I can only hope this happens. I just hope that Ohio can do that for me. Will I miss everyone here, or forget them completely? Will I become something I hate? Is there even a reason to miss people here when there’s no Adam? What’s the point?

August 14th, 2011 2:20 A.M.

I haven’t written an entry in a few days but that’s because A) I didn’t have a reason to and B) I’ve been super busy lately with the driving and all that crap that comes associated with it. I think over the last year or two, I’ve grown more realistic, critical and demanding of explanations. I think a need to rationalize/question/have a reasoning for everything. It is literally the core of my being. Without it my life may seriously fall apart. Is that good or bad? Not in a moral sense, but a logical sense. Could it be detrimental even more so, like it was with Adam? I’ll think on it some more when I’m in Ohio I guess.

August 21st, 2011 8:34 P.M.

Another great day in Ohio, I think this will be a new happier chapter in my life. Though I do need to remain objective and work on a few things I always need to change. I always need to strive for perfection. I need to remain objective, hard-working, courteous, driven, and I definitely need to make sure I don’t make the same mistakes I made in high school with boys here or else I will have proven I learned nothing. And a mistake not learnt from is truly the only mistake that I can dreadfully make with my own logic. These next few years are my time and I need to make them beautiful and exciting, I plan to do just that and more. This is the dawn of a new beginning, without Adam. And I have never been more prepared for it.

August 22nd, 2011 10:18 P.M.

I question almost every day why I don’t believe in God or if I don’t need to. And honestly I believe that being the person that I am striving to always be will get me into heaven regardless because I’m essentially a good person. But I just don’t think I can have a faith in God, I don’t really have a faith in anything else – as in I need reasoning or explanation for everything because everything should make logical sense. And I can’t just accept the fact that God (an active one) exists because it truly makes no sense, why does he need me to worship him? Why did he create us? Why would he put so much hate in the world? If God existed, why would he hate me so much, put me through all the shit that I’ve had to deal with so far? Why would he make me deal with all of that bullshit, give me Adam to heal me and then take him away to tear open the wounds again? Why?

August 25th, 2011 10:19 P.M.

The last few days have been killer! Both in an exhausting way and a good way. My classes are finally set so I can stop worrying about all that mess and focus on the important things. There are also a ton of cute boys here, but I don’t know if I even want to pursue them, I don’t even know if I want a relationship anymore, or even sex; there are just so many other important things going on right now. Another question that plagues me is Ryan, I mean I like Ryan and I would probably have sex with him, but I don’t know if I would date him. I mean I know that he likes me and everything, but to date your roommate, isn’t that a little bit weird? I don’t even know if I could date him or not. I mean I kind of want someone to be able to take control both mentally and physically and Ryan could never do that. I also don’t even know if I’m even ready for another relationship. Because of everything with Adam, everyone else just seems um… de-sensitized? Like the magnitude of my feelings are nowhere near as potent as they used to be. And I don’t know if that means I’m not over Adam or if this is just how it is until I get attached again…

August 27th, 2011 12:35 P.M.

I had this weird dream last night. I think it was pointing to me being pan-sexual or bi-sexual, it really confused me. I had been dating this girl, and we kept looking for a place to make-out in essentially, but we couldn’t. We didn’t have sex or anything but it felt really nice to hold her hand in the dream. I need to figure this out.

August 29th, 2011 10:29 P.M.

So I’ve kinda realized that I’m not sure if I really want a boyfriend or a girlfriend, maybe if one just jumps in my lap then sure, but I don’t think I want to make all that time for dating and relationships though it would be nice. All the drama and time would be seriously consuming. And I feel as if I need to find out what my actual sexual identity is first, and probably my spiritual identity too. Everything in my life is kind of up in the air right now.

September 1st, 2011 2:03 P.M.

I’ve been meaning to write this thought down, but it either escapes me or I forget to fully write out my thoughts. Today I remembered, so now I can finally put it down.

Since you left it’s been so hard to care. So hard to care about much of anything; honestly, just to be able to give a fuck about something would just be great. The only reason I still try in school is because of my idea, but then even that has slightly dimmed in its own way, even though if it worked I’d be able to help change the world.

Adam, what have you taken from me? Or what have I lost? My drive is pitiful now and I don’t know how much longer it might be able to go.

September 3rd, 2011 6:04 P.M.

Now that I think about it, I’ve been dreaming A LOT more often that I usually do and I’m not exactly sure why. I always rationalize not dreaming because my imagination and daydreaming is constant and wonderful, but without the romanticism with Adam it’s slowed down a ton, maybe that’s why dreams are becoming so frequent with me now. I’ve even had dreams about superpowers, holding hands with a girl, and a ton of other things. Also for some reason I’m sweating a lot more, my bed was literally soaked from a nap I dreamed in. Maybe it’s because of the dream or something else entirely, I’m not sure. I need to reach that same level of daydreaming romanticism that I had with Adam so that I can stop these dreams.

September 4th, 2011 3:29 P.M.

Adam, you goddamned asshole, how can I forget you? You’ve invaded everything in my life even people and things you don’t even know. I can’t even escape you in my dreams. I know I dreamed again last night, and I don’t truly remember what it was about, but I do remember that the entire thing was centered around us romantically. I hate it, how can I escape you if you’ve even invaded my dreams? You were my everything, such a huge part of me was grounded with you and now you’ve left me to drift among the wind as I attempt to hold tight to the few things that I care for and have left. Those few tender things… I try so hard to rid myself of you and I can’t, I try so hard to hate you, but no malice is there; I try so hard to care for something else and I can’t seem to. What have you done to me? What have I done to myself?

September 5th, 2011 6:02 P.M.

I’ve decided it’s time for something new. It’s time for some real objectivism or as close as I can muster. All that matters is that search for power, that career driven beauty I need for my idea to unfold marvelously, and it will… because I know I can do it. I refuse to look for a relationship anymore. It would be, nice but I have more important things to do, and I can’t let that get in the way.

September 7th, 2011 12:16 P.M.

Why do I ask myself so many questions? How will I ever know if I’m right or if there’s any point to finding out?

What’s the point in everything?

September 8th, 2011 3:30 P.M.

It’s finally hit me that everything around is all legally mine and that I now have complete freedom to do whatever I want. It’s invigorating and beautiful; I just wish I wasn’t so tired all the time.

I don’t know if I could have sex with a woman, now that I think about it, yet I say that the mind is all that matters to me. But I also find myself physically attracted to certain men, what does that make me?

I’m supposed to be seeing Chaplain Powers on Monday, I hope it goes well and I can figure some of this stuff out.

Am I cut out for true, rational love? Or is my fantasy getting the better of me, even though it seems to make sense? And why can’t I ever get you out my head? Even at breakfast today I thought of you…

How can I think about helping to change the world if I can’t even help myself? And how can I even get any of that done when I feel so little all the time?

Published December 1, 2011

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