The Orvus Ultimatum image

Over the past few months, the Shack Tabloid has been tracking Orvus: a sleeper agent of an unknown organization that has set out to destroy all things false and fabricated.  On the night of Wednesday, November 16, 2011, at 2300 hours, Orvus was seen leaving his apartment for the first time in two weeks.

The Tabloid’s undercover reporters, who have been tailing Orvus, followed him to a rundown warehouse, on the outskirts of Chicago, Illinois, where he met with a small but very familiar face: none other than Bort Ick-Ality.

After last month’s plan to collect a ransom for Bort’s ‘safe return’ had failed, it seemed that Orvus and Bort had found their way back to the drawing board.  Although the Tabloid’s reporters, whose identities have been withheld for security concerns, could not hear exactly what they were planning, what they had managed to overhear sent chills down their spines.

On Friday, November 25, when Bort was scheduled to be shipped back to his father Erick, in Los Angeles, he was going to switch the postal address with one that would send him to Australia.  At first the Tabloid’s reporters assumed it was for a Ruben Birthday Bash, and were getting ready to call it a night, but then Orvus re-told their plan.

“Once you arrive in Australia, I’ll meet you outside the Holiday Inn in Melbourne.  You can un-package yourself, right?”

“You are not allowed!”

“Right.  I know.  I can’t get into the cargo bay…  Once we’re there we can start phase two: Operation AIKKU.  You know what to do, right?”

“You are trying to seduce me!!”

“Well, no.  But that’s what you say when you get to his house, okay?  And yell it really loud.”

“What the heezy?!”

“When you get to Ruben’s house…”

“You’re a big meanie!!!”

“What?  This was YOUR idea!”

:::latches on to Orvus’s leg and bites into it:::

Things became a tad ugly from there.  However, once Bort finally settled down for a nap, with some bubble wrap, Orvus revealed more of their plan.  From what the Tabloid’s reporters could make out, Orvus plans to kidnap Ruben on his eighteenth birthday, bring him back to the United States, and hold him for ransom until Bort gets an iPad for Christmas.

There was also talk of wet leather, a mechanical chair, and a weather balloon, but nothing beyond that could be understood.

The Shack Tabloid’s investigation continues

Published December 1, 2011

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