September 12th, 2011 10:30 P.M.

Talked to Chaplain Powers today, it was a pretty great talk. I mean I didn’t talk to him about Adam or anything… just some other issues I’d been having. I mean I wasn’t sure whether or not I believed in God, or religion or any of that stuff, but he kind of helped me work through it. He showed me this little diagram that involved sharing experience, scripture, belief, and tradition and it kind of made sense to me. I think now I can actually try to be spiritual. I don’t really think I fit in well with organized religion so much, maybe I could try praying. I mean guidance never hurt anyone, right? And I definitely could use some right now…

September 14th, 2011 3:04 P.M.

I think I’ve just realized what my main problem is. I want to be able to change the world and have the power and resources to do it. But now… without Adam… I don’t feel happy doing any of those things. I mean I still want to do it, but at the same time I don’t really care anymore. It’s as if that level of happiness that I had with him, that I had while thinking of things with him… is unreachable anymore and all that’s left is just emptiness. I feel like some crazy Andrei Taganov, willing to give up every inch of myself just for someone I love, even if it makes me miserable in the end. So I ask again, Adam, what have you done to me? What have you taken?

September 14th, 2011 3:25 A.M.

I’m ridiculously tried, but I’m actually pretty happy right now. I got back some of the magic that I used to have. When I think about what I want to do in life, I just needed to realize what I truly wanted and go for it, even if that means I have to leave Adam behind for it. I need to focus on my goal and nothing else. Ryan actually helped me work through some stuff to make me feel this way. He’s a really great suitemate. We actually stay up and talk a lot now, and even though I go to class the next day sleep-deprived, it’s usually worth it.

Thanks Ryan, I owe you one.

September 15th, 2011 10:30 P.M.

I just finished playing a card game with a bunch of random kids and it was just fantastic. It’s finally a game that I enjoy playing that hasn’t been touched by Adam; it’s something we never did together. Maybe now I can finally reach a point at which I can get over him, where doing things that I did with him don’t hurt as much. It doesn’t really help that we did everything together, either. I hate the fact that I wake up feeling sad because he’s not there. If I can just do things that I didn’t do with him, then I should be fine. But is erasing him truly getting over him?

September 17th, 2011 6:19 P.M.

Today for the first time ever, I prayed to “God”. I don’t know if he, she, it, they is real, or if they were listening, but I asked for true guidance and I definitely need it. After that I wandered around aimlessly for about an hour and a half getting lost mentally. So many thoughts and problems bombard me, but I have no idea how to solve them and I don’t know what I’m going to do about them.

Adam “talked” to me on facebook today, and by talked I mean we bantered with Danielle and Christian for a good few minutes on their walls. And for once in a long time we were the “sass masters” again and it felt so good, but ached so much at the same time. I mean, we kind of acknowledged each other’s presence, but at the same time we didn’t. I don’t know what I’m going to do about him at all.

And then there’s this boy named Jacob, and for some reason I can’t get him out of my head. I just started getting to know him, and I find him attractive, but I don’t know why. And I already decided that I’m not going to pursue him because I don’t want to date someone in the closet again, so why is this so hard?

Another issue is that I almost considered getting drunk today with a few friends… I’m slipping.

Lastly is my science dilemma, one that truly determines the rest of my life. What am I going to do if I find out I’ve failed? I have a meeting on Tuesday with Dr. Hamill. What am I going to do if she tells me it can’t happen?

And back to the prayer thing, I’m not sure if I felt anything at all when I prayed, except for right in the beginning, but I think that was a combination of me being chilly and listening to my favorite part of one of my favorite songs… I’m not entirely sure.

I find it harder and harder each day to keep going, and yet I make aware to myself the problems I have every day anyway. What’s wrong with me?

September 18th, 2011 3:11 P.M.

I’ve finally realized my problem: I need help to see the magic again. I need help to remember it all, the beauty and purpose of life. I need help, but from whom? What?

September 18th, 2011 10:47 P.M.

Adam I need you, I truly do. I try so hard to be so strong, but I can’t… I just can’t. I didn’t even intend to include you in this, but it’s so obvious that that part of me is now gone and now I’m left bleeding, an open wound just waiting to die. You took with you the love, the happiness – the bright innovation and charm; you took with you my drive, my determination, the magic of it all. All that’s left now is pain and sadness, my abrasive personality and rigid ethics that won’t allow me to drown out my pain or just end it completely. All it forces me to do is just keep going, an automation built for success, but no love or soul with which to guide it. What do I do? The magic’s gone and so is the love, so what’s the point anymore? I know I sound so melodramatic, but I can’t even stand to listen to my own dam logic – I fell too damn hard for four years and I’m afraid I can never feel that again. Or if I do, doesn’t that just make those four years a waste? I finally figured out what the problem was, but now I have no idea how to fix it. What do I do without you, Adam? You were my everything, my best friend, my first love.

September 19th, 2011 12:46 P.M.

I’m battling hard with myself trying to figure out whether or not I should talk to Adam and… maybe try to get closure. I’m thinking that maybe if I can try to at least get legitimate closure it might not fix everything, but it might make it a little bit better. But at the same time, I don’t want to get crushed again and accomplish nothing but more pain. I guess I’ll just wait and see how my meeting with Dr. Hamill goes first, if that goes well, then I’ll probably try to talk to him. If it goes badly… well then I don’t know what I’ll do.

Tomorrow is the day to make or break my mental sanity. If I lose, will I still even want to see the magic at all? If I win will it fix everything? If I win will it fix me? Let me feel the magic again?

Tomorrow is the day.

September 20th, 2011 9:33 A.M.

The stage is set. Dr. Hamill told me that my idea makes sense and that I can probably do it if I go to graduate school. She’s never met someone with ideas like mine. She told me I might be in the perfect time period for my idea; it would help the entire world.

This is it. No more Adam, it’s time for me to shine, even if I have to be alone.

September 20th, 2011 9:22 P.M.

Today has been one of the best days I’ve had in a very, very long time. Firstly, I learned that my idea holds fast with Dr. Hamill; gene therapies make sense and I can get to work on them as soon as I finish graduate school, I won’t have to waste another year or two. The dream is becoming a reality and I will make it so. Secondly, I talked to Adam and I didn’t feel the heart wrenching ache that I thought I would. It is finally all over for us, our friendship, our relationship, our love. It’s finally down, but now I at least have the closure, so I can remember the good times. And at least try to move on and take the experience as something positive. It’s time for me to finally move on without him – I don’t have a choice anymore.

I’m beginning to feel the magic again. If I have that back then I can face anything.

 

The End

Published January 1, 2012

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