WarOfThePeanut-1Everything had been going so well. The days were getting warmer, the skies were getting brighter, the treasure hunt was fast approaching, and The Boys of Widow Lake was nearing its release day. Going well, that is, until Thursday, March 29, 2012, at 6:16AM. Up until this point, the Shack had been rather tame, like the quiet before the storm.UKGuy, our dear friend and ally, declared war on peanut butter, and as blasphemous as this was, TurtleBoy was willing to let it slide—until others joined him. Whatifsowhatsit, Aikku, and UKGuy have joined forces in the battle against our beloved spread, and Roran has declared himself as Switzerland, as he has nothing against peanut butter, so long as it’s ‘crunchy’.

As a peanut butter lover, supporter, and daily partaker, I, TurtleBoy, have taken it upon myself to defend the defenseless. The peanut has been through enough as it is. Our chocolate bars and snacks have all become ‘peanut free’, all sporting the dreaded image of an unshelled peanut with the red cross-out symbol on its packaging. This isn’t “Ghostbusters”, people. Peanuts are not the enemy! It’s those of you who have decided to become ‘allergic’ to it and threaten to ‘swell up’ and ‘die’ if they ingest it. I saw “My Girl”, too, people. Macaulay Culkin was faking it. He didn’t really die. It was all made up!
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The peanut is not something you need to fear. You need to fear those who have sworn allegiance to the dark side, the peanut free side, the War Against TurtleBoy side. So to all of you peanut haters, beware! The Peanut Protectors are coming for you! And to those who love and enjoy and truly believe in the peanut, stand up and fight!

In times like these the Ten Commandments and Seven Deadly Sins sit on the sidelines and make way for justice! Prepare yourselves Peanut Haters, for the next few days shall be your last. Resistance is fertile, you will be ass-humiliated, and above all: it’s peanut-butter-jelly time.

 

 

Published April 1, 2012

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