Let me tell you about what I did last summer: absolutely nothing! Seriously, I didn’t do anything. I was bored out of my mind, day after day. To make things worse, the weather was terrible. So one day, while I was doing nothing, I decided to spend some quality time with Toto in my comfortable shack out back in the yard. Toto was my anatomically correct rubber blow-up sheep. He was always up for some fun, even at times like this when a storm was brewing outside.

I had just gotten in position behind Toto when I looked out of the window and realized that this wasn’t just an ordinary thunderstorm. At first I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw the funnel cloud, but staring at it didn’t make it go away. There had never been a tornado in this area, but I guess there’s a first time for everything. The last thing I remember thinking before my shack was hit by the full force of the storm is that the cloud looked kinda phallic. Then there was a loud crash and everything went dark.

When I woke up again I was lying on a field of grass, with blue sky overhead and not a cloud in sight. I slowly got up and took a look around. There were some trees and bushes around me, but no sign of my house or the rest of the village. I definitely wasn’t home anymore. I noticed a limp body hanging in one of the trees; it was poor Toto, totally deflated. I was surely going to miss my loyal companion.

Suddenly I heard giggling noises coming out of the bushes, and when I turned around I saw a group of small guys hiding over there, pointing at me. It was then that I remembered that I was completely naked. Oops! I had taken off my clothes before playing with Toto, and now I quickly looked around to see if any of them had made it to this place with me. No such luck. The only thing I found was my bottle of cherry flavored lube. I picked it up because you never know when you might need some lube.

I slowly walked over to the guys in the bushes. They didn’t appear dangerous or threatening, and I didn’t want to scare them by rushing over there, naked as I was. I noticed that they kept checking out my body, smiling, winking, even whistling at me. My head must have been bright red (the big one on top, I mean). As it turned out, they were a really friendly bunch. They called themselves ‘The Twinkies’ and they lived out here in the woods (wherever ‘here’ was), frolicking all day, not a care in the world.

As much as I would have loved to just stay and play with them, I had to find my way home. Unfortunately, the Twinkies didn’t know the way to my home either, but they knew of a wise woman who lived not too far away, at the end of the Purple Prick Road. They just called her ‘The Queen of D’. The Twinkies also gave me a pair of short shorts, so I didn’t have to walk around naked. Those shorts really showed off my bulge, which the Twinkies seemed to like quite a bit.

Finally we said our farewells and I was on my way along the Purple Prick Road. It was a pleasant walk in the late afternoon sunshine. I had the weird feeling that it had been late afternoon for hours, though I didn’t let that bother me. After a while I came upon a brass statue sitting on a bench by the road. At least I thought it was a statue, but as it turned out it was actually a living brass man. He appeared quite sad, and when I asked him why, he told me that he didn’t have any balls and that he really wanted a set of nice big brass balls. I couldn’t help him with that, but I told him that I was on my way to this wise old queen, and that if anybody had an extra pair of balls around here, it would be her. That seemed to cheer him up a little, and he decided to join me.

We had walked in silence for a while when we heard someone sobbing. I quickly rounded a bend in the road and almost bumped into a big hairy bear. Startled, I took a step back, but I needn’t have worried; this poor fellow was no danger at all, on the contrary. He was just crying because he really wanted to be a ballerina, but he didn’t have a tutu to wear. And you just can’t be a ballerina without a tutu. So I invited him to join me and the brass man, hoping that this mysterious queen would be able to help us all somehow.

The more the merrier, they say, and that certainly was true for our little group. The bear and the brass man had many stories to tell about life in the forest of the Twinkies, each one funnier than the one before. We were laughing so much that we almost didn’t see the guy skating towards us on the Purple Prick Road. He was an old roller disco dancer, but he had clearly lost his spark. His costume had been rainbow colored and flamboyant once, but now it was all grey and sad. He needed help to get his spark back, and we knew just who could give it back to him: the infamous Queen of D!

Eventually we reached the end of the road and came to the palace of the Queen. The door knocker was shaped like a dildo between two butt cheeks. I tried to use it, but it didn’t want to move; it was stuck tight. Fortunately I still had my bottle of lube (I knew it would come in handy), so I rubbed a generous amount all over the knocker. That got things moving and after a few hard knocks the door shook and slowly eased open.

A few moments later, we were standing in front of the Queen of D. Her real name was actually Ericka Humpsalot, and she was a big old drag queen. She was very nice and caring, like a fairy godmother, and she promised to help us all. She had busted many balls over the years, and in her collection she found a nice pair of brass ones that fit the brass man perfectly. He was so very happy and couldn’t stop playing with his new balls. In her huge wardrobe, she found a big pink tutu for our friendly bear. Oh, how excited he was when he put it on, he couldn’t stop dancing and prancing around the room. And of course she had a large supply of sparkling fairy dust, which she blew all over our disco buddy. The change was immediate; he almost seemed to burst into flames, sparkling again in all the colors of the rainbow.

Finally, it was my turn. Ericka taught me the spell that would take me back to my own home. All I had to do was to thrust my hips forward three times while saying “I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming home”. I couldn’t wait to try it out, and after many hugs and tears and goodbyes I was ready. I did it just like she had taught me to, and it worked like a charm. There was a brief moment of dizziness when the world seemed to spin around me, and the next moment I was back in my little shack.

Everything looked like it had when I had left. My clothes were still on the floor. The weather outside was still grey and rainy, though there was no sign of the tornado, or of any damage that it might have done. The only thing missing was Toto, who was probably still hanging in that faraway tree. I didn’t really miss him though, because Ericka had also taught me the spell that would take me back to the forest of the Twinkies. I went back there many times, and I had lots of fun with those cuties. But that’s a story for another day.

And that’s what happened to me last summer!

Published October 1, 2013

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