Here’s Brandon Smiling Ch. 8:
Its been a while since I last posted anything.
Its been busy lately! School work is getting pretty hard. I’m studying like 4 hours a night now. I have a hard time getting to sleep. Midterms are coming up and I’m having to cram. Its so stressful! I bet working a job isn’t this hard! No tests or term papers. Boy! That would be awsome!
Speaking of term papers, I had to do one for world history last week. I must have been in the history book section for hours looking stuff up. The teacher said to use the books in the library and not get stuff off the internet. He’d know if we did because he has Wikipedia memorized. LOL. Bastard!
Actually, it was kind of fun. We are studying Ancient Egypt and our library has a lot of books on that. What a weird society! Pharaohs are kings that think they are gods who make their whole kingdom break from growing food to build giant tombs for them. I always saw pictures of the Pyramids and thought they were really exotic and all, but had no idea what they were used for. They are basically giant headstones for these nut jobs! They are still among the most massive structures ever built by man and they made them without the machines we have today!
I talked to Mr. Webber about them and he had some very interesting things to say. He said that our understanding of geometry basically comes from the Ancient Egyptians. Many of the theorems he is teaching us are based on Ancient Egyptian recipes for building those massive structures. He also said that the Pyramids are among the most perfectly geometric buildings ever made and that the Egyptians had to create Geometry just to build them! They had to invent measuring tools many of which are still used today for planning major building projects.
I put a lot of this into my paper. My history teacher was impressed enough that he gave me an A on it! Woo Hoo!
In other news, Jimmy transferred out of my gym class on Friday of last week. The stupid jocks just wouldn’t leave him alone. I couldn’t do anything for him anymore either because they always had him cornered. I would have had to take them all down just to get to Jimmy. I’m maybe good enough to pull a dirty move on one of those meat puppets, but not the whole fucking Football team! I talked to the Coach about it and he just shrugged. ‘He’ll be ok.’ was his lame answer.
Jimmy was NOT ok! He’d come into the gym trembling! They’d never hit him or push him, but they made fun of him without mercy. Fag this. Cocksucker that. What? Did he enjoy it when the Priest fucked him in the back room?
They say disgusting things like that and not one of the adults in that place ever breaks it up!
I guess Jimmy’s mom must have intervened and that got the useless school administration to do something about it. I don’t know what good it will do. These jocks are all over the place. They pick on him outside of gym too. I’m sure they’d love to kill Jimmy if they thought they could get away with it.
I swear that the Principal, Vice Principals, and School Councilors must have some secret agenda. A survival of the fittest kind of thing. Weed the weak ones out and make room for the strong. They are a cold blooded bunch. I stay out of the their way and try not to make waves. They don’t seem to have any sense of goodness or justice at all and this school is like a prison. They’re worse than the jocks as far as I’m concerned. The teachers aren’t much help either.
Never trust any of them! That’s my advice!
Jimmy’s mom must have threatened them with a lawsuit or something. What a joke.
Anyway, on a much happier note…I saw Billy again today! ~sigh~
I kind of looked at him and smiled but got shy and hurried off afterwards. Billy must have followed me because we both ended up in the library with him coming in just a little after me…like right on my heels after me!
He went back to his staring and I went back to my ‘not noticing’ thing I’ve been doing. This is so silly, but then I am pretty silly when it comes to these things. I just don’t know what to do! I don’t know what to think.
I don’t know if its right or wrong what’s going on here with Billy. I don’t know where I sit with him or how he sits with me. So, we just sort of share the space together. Its weird, but I can take it. It makes me happy! My day isn’t complete if I don’t see Billy there…just sharing the space with me.
I know there’s something more there, but I don’t know how to reach it. I don’t know if I should reach for it.
I keep hoping some gorgeous girl comes waltzing through the library doors one day and cures me of this gayness! But so far, I only have eyes for Billy and he seems to only have eyes for me.
I’m so confused right now.
This is Brandon being confused again.
I did well on all my midterms. I actually pulled an A+ in Geometry! Mr. Webber smiled wide when he gave me back my test paper. He even commented on it that my notation was very nice and neat. Don’t get sloppy! Hehehehe!
Science I got an A also, despite having Billy in there with me. Rather than him being a distraction his being there actually seemed to help me focus. Almost like I want to impress him with how smart I am! This is stupid because we don’t even interact in class at all and he probably doesn’t even know my scores. I always get my results for labs and tests up at the desk among the pile of others. Its just kind of a confidence thing with Billy in Science. I don’t know. I can’t explain.
I did well in my other classes too. I even pulled an A- in English which surprised me. I guess the Shakespeare stuff was interesting enough to where I paid more attention than I thought. I even watched a YouTube of MacBeth. It’s like Shakespeare is easier to understand when actors are performing it. I can catch the meanings in the old way they used to speak English through watching body language and stuff. Anyways, it got me an A-! I’ll have to thank Cedrick for having such a cool dude as Shakespeare in English Lit. Hehehehe!
Billy sat at a table closer to me today. I don’t even think he knew he had. He obviously wanted to open up and talk or something, but with him so close I had to not look at him so much. I was blushing too. Billy is so beautiful! Every time I look at him my heart just thumps! His hair, I swear its gold! Its so shiny! His skin is so perfect. Smooth on the arms and ohhhh that lovely neck of his!
I have had too many sessions with my pillow undressing Billy in my imagination. Touching him. Kissing him on that neck. On that place just under his ear.
I’m getting all worked up again! Hehehehe!
Um, Ok. I’m back!
Anyways, I think something is going to happen between me and him pretty soon. Billy’s watching sessions are getting longer and my blushing is getting redder so somethings gonna have to break somewhere! I guess I’ll just wait and see.
Something a little strange happened when I rode my bike over by the park today. I stopped by the water fountain to get a drink of water and someone tapped me on the shoulder. It kind of spooked me so I like turned on the person real fast. LOL! I almost knocked her over!
Marie Cross was standing there looking just as gorgeous as ever. Better even. She had a t-shirt on and some jeans. A better look than her ‘Good Girl’ outfit at church. She still wore her beautiful cross though. I guess you have to wear a cross to be a Cross. Yeah…I know. That was pretty bad.
“Hi!” She chirped at me. I’ve only heard her voice a couple of times. Its really quite cute. Girls’ voices change different than boys’ do, I’ve noticed. They don’t go through that stupid voice cracking phase. Their voices soften and mellow out if they don’t squeal so much. Marie never squeals. She’s a lady and I should be the luckiest guy in the whole town that she likes me so much.
Too bad I’m a cocksucking fag…
Anyway…she and I walked home together chatting. She has a comfortable way that is soothing to me. I’d love to have her as a friend if nothing else, but I don’t know if that can happen. I see the way she looks at me. The blush and the catch in her breath when I look at her.
I don’t have the same feelings. I’m just nervous and I think she takes that as being bashful. She even touched my arm now and then as if to put me at ease. Like she’s saying I don’t have to be shy because she doesn’t bite or something.
If only things were that simple life would be so much better!
She invited me to her brother’s birthday party later on in the year. I said I didn’t think that Jamie would care to have me at one of his parties because I’m a junior classman and an uncool one at that.
She actually laughed at me on that!
“Oh gawd Brandon! You’re too funny! After all these years going to church together don’t you know that you are probably the coolest guy I know!? Jamie thinks so too! Most of his friends are doofuses from school. You’re actually a guy we know from somewhere other than school! Jamie is a nerd anyway. You should see his comic collection…” Marie continued to chatter on this way all the way to my door. It was so sweet! I wanted to take her to her house, but she said she’d be ok and off she went. She even blew me a kiss.
What is wrong with me?
But, despite that, I felt a little more confident after she left my front porch. Like maybe I didn’t give myself enough credit. Jamie is the most popular guy in school, but he thinks of me as cool?
So…I guess I’ll start my homework. Jeeze, its so much. I just get a sinking feeling every time I open my book bag. It makes me tired just looking at it all.
I really am very tired most the time anymore. I think its all too much. I’m 15 years old. Isn’t it wrong for me not to sleep and work all the time? Am I doing this wrong? I don’t know. Other kids seem to get by and seem full of energy and just fine. I wish I was like that.
Well, for whatever good it does in the end, I should get started. If the regular classes are this hard in high school, I’m scared of what they’ll be like in college! I don’t know if I’ll make it to any of the AP classes at this rate. ~sigh~
Where do kids like Jamie and his friends find the time to play sports and go to parties? I swear I’m doing something wrong here! ‘course, I don’t know what their grades are. I imagine they’d have to be pretty good or the coaches would kick them off their teams!
Or maybe they have special arrangements or something. Schools get lots of prestige when they produce star players for the college recruiters. Academic stuff just seems “expected” somehow.
Yeah. I’m starting to see why Dad wants to push me into Basketball and get on the junior varsity team. Once you have games won under your belt, you can do no wrong.
I guess Basketball will be yet ANOTHER thing I’ll have to do to please everybody that I know or whatever.
One day, maybe I’ll be able to do what *I* want to do, for a change, instead of doing what everyone else wants me to do.
I’m tired of being a football thrown around. I’d love just to be who I am and not have to be someone that someone else wants.
Ahhh…if wishers were fishers, right?
G’night Billy. I hope someday you’ll be able to read this blog. Its almost like I’m writing it just for you to read one day.
This is Brandon…tired of being tired