In recent days, it has come to the Tabloid’s attention that our beloved Ruben and Lenny have become an item. The only problem is that they’re separated by a massive body of water, an equator, and a time warp that keeps them in separate days about eighty-five percent of the time.
The Tabloid can’t have this.
We sat down with Lenny to see if we could help bring these two would-be lovers together permanently. Our first attempt failed miserably. We attempted to use Bort’s transport method and stuffed Lenny inside a wooden crate with a generous amount of bubble wrap. Unfortunately, while being loaded onto the plane, Lenny was discovered by the loader, due to the constant popping of the bubble wrap. Apparently, those air-filled bubbles were too much for Lenny to resist.
After bailing Lenny out of the Lost-and-Found, we brought him back to the drawing board. Three stick men and twelve arrows later the whiteboard was covered with the most ingenious plan ever devised.
Throughout the next 24 hours, we collected rope, kneepads, helmets, a nutcracker doll, three rolls of aluminum foil, 18 cans of red, yellow, and blue spray paint, and an oversized duffel bag. When we were done, we disguised Lenny as an industrial Christmas tree, placed him in the duffel bag, and re-boxed him in a slightly larger wooden crate.
Four days later, Lenny arrived in Sydney, Australia’s Museum of Contemporary Art. However, we have not heard from him since. This was two weeks ago, and the Tabloid Team have become ridiculously worried. You see, we rented the rope from an indoor rock-climbing centre, and the duffel bag belongs to my mom. If anyone has seen or heard from Lenny, please contact TurtleBoy at Tabloid@imagine.csob.me
There is a slight chance he suffocated, and it may be possible that he has blood poisoning from the paint, but the rope and bag should be okay. If you’re in Australia, please visit the Museum of Contemporary Art and steal back the items the Lenny-tree is decorated with. We are being charged three dollars per day, every day, until the rope is returned. Oh, and see if Lenny’s okay.