It’s a well-known fact that blueberry pie is the current best pie in the world. Regardless of this fact, Jake Johnson has challenged the natural order of things by declaring raspberry pie to be the best.
Because this obviously can’t be true, as raspberries are disgusting, there can only be one explanation for this: Jake Johnson is an alien.
He has been sent to Earth from the planet Tootart, with the sole purpose of discrediting our beloved blueberry. Recent discoveries have revealed that Tootartians have been living among us, as sleeper cells, for hundreds of years in an attempt to learn what makes humans adore the blueberry.
Up until recently the Tootarians have managed to keep their plans secret. However, it has now come to our attention that raspberries contain an almost-untraceable chemical compound called Tutinatiumoxide. After extensive study, this chemical has been identified as a mind-controlling agent.
As it turns out, the consumption of too many raspberries, or only a few over many years, allows the chemical to build around the brain’s axons, which eventually encompass the entire neurons. Soon after this, the compound is able to control how electrical impulses are sent a received in the brain.
This isn’t your mainstream propaganda people. Put down that raspberry tart and grab some blueberry pie.
Even further research has shown that a new chemical compound has begun to develop naturally in blueberries, called raseperisukenstuf-x5. The new chemical not only destroys the effects already in place by raspberries but help build immunity against it.
Let’s show these aliens that we’re not going down without a fight. Bake a blueberry pie and share it with the world—or at least me!