From the Winterpeg News and Gazette

By Ted

(Winterpeg, Canadia)  A stand-off pitting a maverick Winterpeg business tycoon against the weight of The Federal Ministry of Labour appears to have reached a successful conclusion earlier today, ending days of negotiations regarding fair and equitable employment practices at a local manufacturing concern.  A Ministry spokesman revealed that the agreement reached would keep the Winterpeg enterprise open for business as well as ensure fair and practical treatment of the firms’ employee’s.  “The negotiations were arduous,” the clearly exhausted Ministry spokesman revealed, “but in the end very successful.”

Trouble started for TurtleBoy Industries Ltd (TBI™), late last week when agents and representatives for scores and more actors, singers and models demanded that their young clients be allowed to resume their careers in the entertainment industry rather than toil in the iconic Winterpeg bakeries of local magnate Mr. TurtleBoy.  “It’s like he just grabbed my client off the street,” remarked one Agent.    A reporter inquired if by “he” the Agent had meant Mr. TurtleBoy, the founder, owner and CEO of TurtleBoy Industries Ltd. “Damn straight I do, and don’t think the Ministry of Labour isn’t going to hear about this!” was the adamant reply.  The Agent for teen singer Ronan Parke, though echoing the same sentiments, was more conciliatory toward Mr. TurtleBoy and TurtleBoy Industries.  Speaking to a crowd consisting of fellow agents and fans of the budding superstars which had congregated at TBI Corporate Headquarters Saturday morning she exhorted:  “Look we all love the fantastic deserts created here, who in Western Canadia hasn’t enjoyed Mr. TurtleBoy’ s pies and puddings?  We are not trying to shut his doors!  All we want is for our clients to resume their careers!  We want the world to enjoy their talents as much as they enjoy a TurtleCake!”  A young fan of teen actor Chandler Riggs agreed whole heartedly “I want to see Chandler on TV not mixing cookie dough or baking stupid pies!  Chand is totally hot and so makes TWD (The Walking Dead – a popular American television show), we all want him back!” the young man concluded.

TurtleBoy Industries has long been a source of rumor and conjecture among the inhabitants of Winterpeg, a tightly knit community in Western Canadia.  Locals have wondered how such tasty creations could continuously roll out of the once dilapidated warehouses that many older residents still remember as a tractor manufacturing plant.  “One day it’s a dump just waiting to be torn down and the next it’s turning out pastries that you’d kill for” said a lifelong resident.  “That tortoise, turtle guy or whatever just turned that place around in no time.  How he got it done … well that’s just amazing.  How he gets kids that age to do anything is beyond me.  It takes an act of Parliament and a swift kick to get my kids ass out of bed every day,” concluded the resident.   Many locals feel the same, some going so far as to declare TBI to be a “god-send” to the community.  “Look at all those children he has working there” said an elderly woman “would you rather have them on the streets bothering people or working to better themselves?”  When asked to comment about the many TBI employees who appeared to have eschewed their entertainment careers the same woman acidly responded  “TV and movies?  That’s nonsense and certainly not careers.”  Others are less sanguine regarding TBI and its motives “Pies, pastry and puddings – yeah that’s great but how many locals has the guy hired?  None… that’s how many.  Except for that ‘funny’ kid who used to live down the street,” was the comment from a local resident.  He then added, “My daughter tried to get a job over there, not a chance.  Some boy just giggled and said they’d call her back if something opened up.  Who has a kid running the HR department for crying out loud?  I’m glad there’s an investigation.”

“I love the brownies,” opined one Winterpegger, “I’m all over the fruit pies,” said another, “CHERRY, CHERRY, CHERRY” chorused a gathering of regulars at the local filling station referring to TBI’s best-selling fruit pie.  All Winterpegger’s seem to have a favourite Turtle Dessert but when asked particulars about the company or its enigmatic CEO an uncomfortable silence falls.  “He does his thing, I do my thing,” a resident stated under conditions of anonymity, “Hey, it’s live and let live around here, it’s his company, let him run it the way he wants with whoever he wants.”  And that was how Mr. TurtleBoy ran TurtleBoy Industries – the way he wanted.  Until Hollywood and the Federal Ministry of Labour came calling.

Hollywood came first.  And they brought friends.  Friends from the recording industry, friends from Advertising agencies, modeling firms and Personal Representation agencies,

“It was like all these talented young guys were just, ya know, disappearing,” a Hollywood insider said with a shrug of his shoulders. “I mean here were dozens if not hundreds of cute talented kids – just starting out,  whole careers ahead of them, and then boom, you just wouldn’t hear from them anymore, it was nuts.  We’d call and get some half-assed answer that Jesse, Ryan, Cody or whoever it was had found a better job.  A better job!!  What’s better than being in the movies?  Jeez … I can’t believe we swallowed that BS for so long.”

What woke up Hollywood and the Agents was an anonymous tip made to Singer/Songwriter Greyson Chance’s recording company.  The unknown caller suggested that Mr. Chance could be found working in Winterpeg.  “At first I was furious,” related a record company executive. “Hell, I was ready to storm Canadia and fire Greyson’s ass.  We have no distribution deals in Canadia so if he was preforming up there it was a massive violation of his contract.”  Record Company investigators were sent to discover the truth about the wayward Mr. Chance.  They found and reported back that Mr. Chance was baking tarts for a Mr. TurtleBoy.  “That was too much for me” continues the executive, “I called right away and tried to get Chance on the phone but this guy kept saying he was busy at work.  At work!! He works for me! I have a contract! – I was just screaming by now.”  What the exec heard next ultimately turned out to be Mr. TurtleBoy’s un-doing.  “I’m still yelling and this guy just says ‘He’s mine’ and hangs-up.  Just that ‘He’s mine’ … what the hell does that even mean?”  The irate record exec called Mr. Chance’s agent with every intention of firing the young performer but instead heard that Mr. Chance had been missing for months.  “This Agent was all over me ‘where is he, is he alright’ and all of that.  I was ready to can the kid but it turns out I may have saved his career, crazy Huh?” concluded the Exec with a shrug.

More phone calls were made, other Agents contacted, other young men found missing, other promising careers seemingly over, other boys creating confectionary perfection in Winterpeg.

There was no evidence at that time that Mr. TurtleBoy was the individual who uttered, “He’s mine,” but there was no mistaking that the words came from TBI.  It was also clear that it was time to visit Winterpeg.  A delegation from Hollywood, the Recording Industry and assorted Agents went north to see Mr. TurtleBoy.  By all accounts it was an un-productive meeting, one participant tells this story:

“We get there and he (Mr. TurtleBoy) seems like a nice enough guy, offers us some milk and the world’s best oatmeal raisin cookies – they were out of this world good!  Then the meeting starts up and he’s like all quiet, just listening and watching, his chin resting on steepled fingers.  We make the pitch – we can all make out on this deal, it can be a win win for everybody.  Someone is saying just let the guys preform – cut a record, make a movie, go out on a few photo shoots we’ll make it up to you,  get you replacement workers, the whole deal.  And what do we hear from across the desk? ‘Nooooooooooooo’ – really ‘Nooooooooooooo’ – just like that.  Then he makes this face at us, he just glares at us, like he thinks he can make our heads explode by staring at us or something … that was weird.”

The whole thing just fell apart after that.  We tried to talk him – did he know that Asa Butterfield could have been on set making a block-buster, and oh yeah, millions of dollars too?  What about Jordan Jansen?  He should be making his next single right?  But nothing got to the guy he just kept saying ‘He’s mine’ or ‘Hands off, I saw him first’ … sometimes he started talking about Dibs and double Dibs whatever the (expletive deleted) those are.  He was just so un-reasonable.  It went on like that for hours, we’d mention some kids name and it would be ‘No’ over and over and over again from the biggest stars to kids just starting out on YouTube it was always the same ‘No, He’s mine’.  Finally one guy mentioned (Logan) Lerman and he looked this big time Hollywood guy right in the eye raised his arm and said *WHAP*.  The Hollywood guy was stunned, we all were.  I mean this is a guy who produces big time movies and has probably disappeared a slew of people in the desert and the cookie guy *WHAPS* him?  Then he says, ‘Yes, I AM THE BEST’ and walks out of the room.  It was insane, totally insane.”

It was also the end of the meeting.  The weary group left TBI headquarters knowing that there was only one thing left to do – call the Fed’s.

The Federal Ministry of Labour was reluctant to look into the matter at first but the growing public outcry for the return of so many young talented men to the world of entertainment eventually forced the Ministry’s hand and an investigation was initiated.  The findings came quickly and not in the favour of Mr. TurtleBoy or TBI.  Ministry of Labour investigators discovered that the overwhelming majority of TurtleBoy Industries employees were teen age boys and the company had not one female employee.  Facing complete closure of his sugary empire Mr. TurtleBoy eventually submitted to negotiations.  One negotiator feels that Mr. TurtleBoy would have attempted to avoid speaking to the Ministry indefinitely if it hadn’t been for the intervention of a company insider.  “The talks were breaking down – Mr. TurtleBoy was adamant that he had broken none of the Ministries fair hiring policies”  the negotiator says,  “he just kept saying ‘it was his company and he’d hire as many boys as he wanted – so there.’  It was at that point that a distinguished looking gentleman entered the room took Mr. TurtleBoy aside and spoke sternly albeit briefly to the recalcitrant CEO.  According to others in the room “that did the trick”.  “Sure he pouted, was petulant and sniffled during the rest of the meeting” continued the negotiator, “but at least we were getting somewhere.  If it wasn’t for that guy we’d still be at it.”  None of the participants could identify the company insider who spoke to Mr. TurtleBoy but some American Press Members are certain he was a high level corporate attorney from Ottawa – citing the presence of a sedan with Illinois License plates and bearing bumper stickers proclaiming “Lombard is for Lovers” “I’m a Lombard Honor Student” and “Sexy is as Sexy Does – and I does it ALL!” as evidence.  Eventually an agreement was reached between all parties concerned and a brief announcement was made stating that “The Federal Ministry of Labour had concluded its investigation into TurtleBoy Industries and the firm’s employment practices”

A wild scene ensued after the agreement was announced at 11:00 (WDT) today requiring the assistance of the RCMP to control the crowds of fans hoping to glimpse the young stars and stars to be.  Cheering erupted as a steady stream of adolescent boys was seen exiting the TBI complex amid hugs and high-fives from co-workers and fans alike.  The rapidly aging one-time child-actor Chase Ellison was seen leaving from a side exit clearly exhausted, bald headed and badly in need of a shave repeating “Need to make pies, Need to make pies” before he was lost to an indifferent crowd.  Most employees were excited that the long ordeal was finally over.  One young man, who wished to be called simply “Blake”,  spoke out vehemently about his time at TBI and his short circuited modeling career “If I see another (expletive deleted) cupcake I’ll puke.  Yeah and you wouldn’t believe the amount of High Fructose Corn Syrup they use in there!  I’m talking gallons and gallons of the (expletive deleted), don’t touch that crap it’ll kill ya.  That guy owes me” Blake continued, “I was in line for a commercial before I wound up here slinging sugar.  He’s a dead man if this acne doesn’t clear up soon.”   Jack Scanlon echoed Blake’s comments, “I missed out on ‘THG: Catching Fire’ because of that creep and his scones.”   Yet other young men seemed almost wistful as they walked away from TBI for the last time.  Uriah Shelton, the diminutive actor/singer, summed it up for some when he said: “Mr. TB’s a good guy, sure he worked us hard but he worked just as hard with us, he was really into it if you know what I mean.  You gotta give the guy credit for erecting such a successful business.  Me?  I’m gonna miss him, sure he’s pretty old, but Friday Movie Night was sweet; most of all I’ll miss Sunday Pudding though,” the youngster sighed before being besieged by adoring fans.  “This isn’t too bad either” he winked as a crowd of enthusiastic young men encircled him.  Others seemed dazed by the entire ordeal.  Chad for instance: “I just want to get back to my boyfriend,” the tow headed lad said, “we were just making out and the next thing you know here I am … we never even got to the best part,” he said shaking his head in dis-belief. “I just hope Donnie hasn’t hooked up with that punk Jarrod”.  A spokesman, when asked where the young men went from here, stated that someone known simply as Em had volunteered to give “the boys a snack and a ride home.”

Details of the agreement between TBI and the Federal Ministry of Labour have not been released to the public but sources indicate that the 2 main subsidiaries of TBI (Dreamy Pastry and SWAK Confectioners) will remain under the TBI umbrella but will be granted greater autonomy in the hiring and managing of employees.  The same source was adamant that the days of “Mr. TurtleBoy as sole Director of Human Resources is over.  Mr. TurtrleBoy’s gross disregard for Federal Labour laws are at an end.  No longer will TBI employees be selected at the whim of an historically greedy CEO.”  Those current employees who wish to remain TBI employees will be augmented by Girl Scout Troop 462 and Oompa Loompa’s made redundant after Charlie Bucket’s controversial re-tooling and automation of the Wonka Chocolate Works.  A spokesman for the Oompa Loompa Local 510 hailed the agreement saying that the TBI complex would soon be witness to the familiar, haunting voices of 510’s members, adding, “If Mr. T had listened to us in the first place this never would have happened.”  The same source also described how a re-vamped TBI would function, “We see the SWAK Confectioners side of the business expanding into a more candy-centric enterprise which perfectly fits the skill set of Loompa Local 510, of course some of the girls from Troop 462 will be on that side of the house as well.  Dreamy Pastry will continue to be the backbone of the company but there will also be more of an emphasis on cookies than there has been in the past.  Overall we see a bright future for TurtleBoy Industries,” the source concluded.  Noticeably absent was any mention of Mr. TurtleBoy’s future at TBI, the source stated, “That would be dealt with when the time was ripe.”

Troop 462 Leader spokes-moppet Brieannae (pronounced Bree-anya) held a short press briefing after adoring fans, former co-workers and The RCMP had dispersed, leaving TBI Company headquarters un-naturally silent.  She began with a brief statement thanking the Federal Ministry of Labour and Mr. TurtleBoy for the opportunity to show that, “Troop 462 can be the best that they can be.”  Ms. Brieannae then answered a few questions.  When asked about the conditions inside the factory Ms. Brieannae replied “The work area is fantastic really state of the art but where the boys lived … well you know how messy boys can be,” she added with a smile.  She also added, to the enjoyment of the assembled press, “and the smell … PeeeeUuuuu.  What did those boys get up to in there!?”   When asked how soon the Dream Pastry line would resume functioning, Ms. Brieannae hesitated and said that “for the time being we will be focused on cookies.”  When asked to explain Ms. Brieannae stated that there was a “problem” with the cream supply.  When pressed the spokes-moppet candidly admitted that there was no cream to be found in the factory. “They must have run out,” she hypothesized, “We’ll need to get in touch with the suppliers before we can get those lines up and running again.”  Ms. Brieannae ended the Press Conference with a wave of her hand and a shake of her pony-tail, reminding the press to support the Girl Scouts.  Andrei, a self-styled “model and free spirit” who had planned to stay on at TBI, wasn’t impressed with his new co-workers.  Speaking through an interpreter the young Russian teen suggested that the new arrangements might not be to his liking. “Girl Scouts?  Who wants to work with them, all they care about is cookies,” he added disgustedly.  “I had an important position on the pastry cream line and now this Brieannae person wants us to make shortbread cookies?  No way.”  Asked if he would still remain at TBI Andrei replied, “No, I’m hooking up with Dylan Spayberry and we’re going someplace warm.”

Repeated attempts to interview Mr. TurtleBoy were denied and no official statement has been released by TurtleBoy Industries, however at 15:25 (WDT) a  document bearing the TBI letterhead was thrown from a third floor window of TBI Company Headquarters .  The document (attached to a box of Girl Scout “Thin Mint” cookies) reads in full: “They are mine *sniffle* you meanies, you stole from MEEEEEEEE *sniffle* …  AND I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL THAT HORSE POO!  I AM THE BEST >:o”  Though the statement is unattributed, many believe the words came directly from Mr. TurtleBoy himself.

Part II: A Little Later

Turtle Boy – *Zaps Ted with laser eyes!!!*

Ted – *Snaps reflective retina’s in place before TB can zap*

*Momentarily blinded, Turtle Boy trips over the geriatric Chase Ellison’s walker*

“Hurry guys it will take him forever to get back on his feet! FREE THE BOYS!! FREE THE BOYS!!”

*Attic, basement, cupboard and cage doors are forced open*

“NOOOoooooooo – they’re MINE! ALL MINE! STAY AWAY YOU MEANIES!!! Noooo not in there … there’s nothing to see in there. Just some of my Mom’s old clothes really! … Noooo!!

“Wolfie, if he tries to get up sit on him … erm … or whatever else you need to do!”

*The last secret hiding place is breached*

“You get off can get off TB now Wolfie … ooops! My bad, sorry … ummmm … carry on! Come on guys lets go! We’re finished here.”

YES!! The Boys are free! ALL the BOYS ARE FREE!! I WIN! I WIN!! YES! I AM THE BEST!!

Part III – Even Later!

Ted – “Concede! Master Turtle *sky darkens, lightning flashes and thunder cracks* Concede or behold my wrath!” *louder thunder booms*
“Uh … Ohhhh” *louder thunder and more flashes of lightning*

“Do you finally concede?”

*cowering Turtle Boy meekly nods in the affirmative*

“Behold what your greed and birthday fakery hath wrought! Look around you – your factories are in chaos! Being run into the ground by the likes of Ms. Brieannae! Girl Scouts for all love!! Girl Scouts *shakes head* And your home *voice regains menacing tone* has been thrown open, all secret doors have been forced, all the hidden places have been brought to the light! And the Boys? They’re gone, all of them gone forever! Muahahahaha!

“But … but they’re m..m..mine.”

“Snivel not!! They ARE NOT yours they ARE FREE, FREE do you hear?

*another meek nod*

“And what brought you to this lowly place? GREED and FAKERY my fine shelled friend. YOUR GREED and FAKERY and MY thirst for vengeance! YOU know who I am do you not?

“Ummm… Ted, right?”

*mockingly* “Hahahaha! Simpleton” It is I the Original! The first betrayed!!”

“Ohhhhh, fuuuudge”

“It is I *pulls off the full Ted facemask revealing the pleasantly plain, youthful yet stern visage of Chase Ellison* “Muahahahaha!!”

*Gasps* “Ohhhh … fudgity, fudge, fudge .. but you’re supposed to be decrepit and old now … w-w-what happened?”

“Silence!! It was your epic greed and trickery that aged me beyond my years! I wore the ugliness that YOU created!!”

“Kinda like ‘The picture of …”

*Impatiently* “Yeah, yeah.  Dorian Grey, everyone gets it alright? Geeze”

“Um sorry”

*Stern commanding voice returns* “It was I Hahaha! I contacted the authorities about you factories!! It was I who betrayed your home! It was I who revealed the secret places. It was I who freed them, freed them all. Now gaze upon me for the last time vile hoarder, birthday faker! I leave you now to the solitary misery that you called upon yourself!”

“But Chase *sniffles* you know you’ve always been the one …”

“Silence!! Trickster! Those smooth words no longer work! They now grate on my ears!” *sneers*

*more sniffles*

“I leave you behind!” *strides toward the door looks back at the pathetic quivering mass that was once TurtleBoy, edges toward the door and looks back again*

*sniffle, sniffle*

*opens door and looks back again* “AArrrgh!! *slams door, rips clothes off, dives into Joe’s shell and snuggles* We’re going steady right?”

“Um *nibbles* ha”

“Hehe, that tickles … cut that out! *giggles* So no more boys right?”

“Lets *smooches* talk *smooches* about that *smooches* in *smooches* the *smooches* morning *big wet smooches*”

*silently motions Uriah Shelton, Logan Lerman and Greyson Chance to hide in the kitchen and mutters* “Yes, I win”

“What was that, sweety?”

“Oh nothing.” *snuggles closer*

“*sleepily* Yummmm … you’re the best.”

And they all lived happily ever after – and I do mean ALL:)

Yeah I know, I know but Chase isn’t the best of actors, kind of a ham really. “Hath,” who the hell says “hath”?

Night, night everybody! Geeze, Joey we can all see what your doing under the covers. Least you can do is pull the blankets down so we can watch!

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