Cover image for Brandon Smiling, by MrM

February 20


Oh lord was I nervous today!

The first day back at classes always makes me feel uptight! Who are my new teachers? Where are my new classrooms? Will the subjects be too hard for me? Will I see Joe in one of them…~sigh~? That would be a nightmare…I’ve been fortunate that I haven’t had to share a class with him at all. It’s bound to happen sooner or later, but I’d prefer later.

So, I rode in on my bike like normal and found that the rack I usually used last semester was still open. That was good. I wouldn’t forget where I parked. LOL! Then I saw him. Oh!…oh my…

He being my little blonde angel from the mall!

Oh lord! He is scrumptious when he walks. I had to avert my eyes so that I wouldn’t get too turned on. That would be great…walk into my first class with a full blown erection for everyone to stare at. Swell.

He had this red striped shirt and standard 501s that cupped that heart shaped butt so perfectly. He had a little jacket too because it’s been a little chilly. I’d like to convince myself that this is why I got goosebumps today…but the truth was that my blonde angel just gives me shivers. He is so beautiful…and he doesn’t even know it.

His golden hair was kind of parted in the middle and his bangs came right over his beautiful big brown eyes.

Of course he was walking with that hunk friend of his. Those two seem to be inseparable.

I followed along at a discrete distance and noticed where his locker was, and mine was not too far from his, just down the hall a bit. I walked passed him while his back was turned and for the first time I heard his voice. It had a kind of chirpy rasp to it that softened a mid-ranged voice. His voice had dropped from what must have been a higher pitch. It sounded like church bells to me! Such a sweet sexy voice. He spoke with such enthusiasm. I couldn’t really tell what it was about…I think a movie they’d just seen together.

His buddy was wrapped up in the conversation and didn’t notice my checking out his little friend. Slowly I opened my locker and put a set of rulers and stuff that I’d need later for geometry. Closed and locked it. By the time I was done they were walking in my direction. I saw him glance at me once but I averted my eyes as if disinterested.

He shouldn’t know what my inside feelings are. They aren’t right to begin with.

But, at least I got a close up look at his beautifully handsome face. Those eyes of his sparkle like stars. They really do! His face is rather pale, but a little rosy in the cheeks and he has this beautifully long gorgeous neck! For a second…I fantasized what it would taste like!

I felt stirrings ‘down there’ so I tried to close my mind to those kinds of thoughts. Again…I don’t need an embarrassing moment during first period.

I moved on. My first class is english. I already hate the subject and this teacher doesn’t make things any better. She’s going to be one of those prima donnas that insist that her class will be the only class of concern. Her brand of teaching will be stern and relentless. That’s great…maybe I’ll move to Mexico so I can speak Spanish and never again have to diagram another fricking sentence. Are English teachers really trying to make American students hate their own language? Stupid!

The other classes aren’t too bad. I particularly like Mr. Webber, my geometry teacher. He’s funny and makes the subject fun. I like math anyways, but he actually makes it useful! He started out with building a house today and showed us all the different ways geometry could be handy for doing certain things. Painting, framing, flooring…just about everything! So cool! I may be a contractor now. 😀

But…you know what my favorite subject is? It’s not what you’d think and not for the reasons you’d think it either.

It’s science! Science is cool and all…this will be physical science like beginning physics and chemistry. But the real reason this is the best class of all is that my blonde angel is in it with me! ~siggggh~

I don’t think I’ll learn a damned thing about science the whole semester. Hehehehe! I tried to get a seat behind him so that I could just like stare holes into the back of his pretty head….but no such luck. He’s a back row baby. So…I’ll have to content myself with watching him when he comes in and goes out of class or maybe, if we’re lucky, during labs.

Partner with him you say? Nope. Not gonna happen. I can admire from a distance…but I don’t think I could trust myself not to give myself away if we worked closely.

Gym class is usually a class I really enjoy. Being tall I do pretty good at just about everything. Basketball of course, but also volleyball. Softball and Soccer not so much for some reason.

Unfortunately…Joe has a class opposite mine with another one of the coaches. I’ll have to be seeing him shower every day. This will be awkward…like really awkward. Oh well…I guess I’ll have to deal and hope he doesn’t pull any shit while we’re in there. Asshole!

By the end of the first day I am pretty content with everything. I went to the library, of course. I like to do my homework in there. It’s peaceful and I don’t have the distractions I have at home…Internet and video games. LOL…and my dad got me that computer to do homework and I end up doing it at the library. I guess I’m old fashioned or something. Hehehehe.

Actually…I use my computer a lot at home, just not for the things he thinks I should probably be doing with it. Google is my friend! I find all kinds of weird things in there.

One happened to be a deep search of the online yearbooks at the Associated Student Body’s website for the high school. Lots of things in there. Whoever built it will be a master web designer some day!

I browsed last semester’s faces…and I see Him.

Under that sweet silly face (his forced smile is so adorable!) I saw the name of my beautiful angel.

William (Billy) Chase!

Billy…..he looks like a Billy. He’s just cute like a Billy. I don’t know how to put it into words. Billy!

If ever I meet him I mustn’t let on that I know his name. He’ll think that’s creepy as hell. I know I would! Some tall weirdo stalking me all over school…sheesh!

Awwww….that’s just what this is. He’s more than likely normal. Not like me. I who moon over boys like he probably moons over girls.

What a disgusting pervert I am. 🙁

I shouldn’t have Internet stalked Billy. That’s like a violation of his privacy or something. Ohhhh….

I’m so ashamed.

I’m sorry Billy. I didn’t mean to stalk you. You deserve better than that. So much better! Excuse me a sec, Nameless Hacker.



Ok….I’m back

Had to, kind of….cry, I guess. I guess that’s a symptom of being, er, Gay. You whine and cry like a girl.

I wish this would go away. I want to be normal like normal boys my age. Obsess over the pretty girls in school. Build up confidence to ask one out. Do whatever in the back of a car…

….do kids even still do that? I have no idea…I really don’t.

I wonder if I will be normal, like, next year. Next year I’ll be 16 and learning to drive. I’ll be more of a man then. Maybe this is just one of those weird phases boys go through. ‘Questioning’ I think I saw online once.

Only…there’s no question. I can’t deny it. I really can’t. Girls don’t turn me on at all…and certain boys do. Not all boys…but certain ones.

Certain ones fill my eyes and my dreams. They fill my skin with a rising flood. Billy does this. He is complete.

He is perfection.

When he looked into my eyes today…just that glance, I remember. I remember his brown eyes…they kind of sparkled didn’t they…and didn’t I catch a smile? Just a hint of one…for a nanosecond. (I did learn something in science today….nanoseconds).

Even if that’s all I get. All I get for the rest of my life…it will be something to hold on to. Something I can remember when I’m alone.

I can’t really expect much more. He is a boy and he does not know me. Also, his friend seems to have him wrapped around his finger. That big blond hunk. How can I compare with that?


Could I just be friends with him? Could it be that I could have him with me as just a friend or could I not stand it? Would I get weird on him?

I guess…I could try. If I do get too weird then maybe he’d let me know or something?

But it could be a disaster! He’d hate me! He’d call me ‘cocksucker’ and would be liable to sic that blond on me. I’d have to hurt the blond…which would make Billy hate me worse!!


Ohhhhh….why are things always so hard! I have such trouble meeting people and making friends. I just don’t get it. 🙁

But Billy is more to me than any friend…and I don’t even know him. Why am I so drawn to him?

There is no choice…I will hide. I have to stay away from him. I can’t risk him hating me for something I can’t help. I doubt he’ll be frequenting the library. Most guys stay far away from that place. That’s why I like it there. It’s quiet with nobody to bother me. No one to hurt me. Like Joe hurt me. Like…like…

….like I hurt myself!

This is Brandon Dithering





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