Cover image for Brandon Smiling, by MrM

February 27

My gym class is interesting to say the least.

Joe and I have come to some kind of non-verbal agreement. He looks at my ass if I’m not looking and I look at his when he’s not looking and yet we both know we are looking.

Yeah, that’s probably the most screwed up paragraph ever written by man.

Except, it seems to keep the peace between us. We exchange ‘Sups’ and a nod, very macho style and then shower across from one another. I catch glimpses of his junk from time to time, and I’m sure he does the same with me. There’s something comforting about that. We are both so vulnerable that we both just let it be. Gym etiquette for guys is kind of, what’s the new word that bitch taught us in English today? Oh yeah, ‘nuanced’. That’s it. That is ‘nuanced’ as all heck!

In keeping with said etiquette, I generally keep my head down and on my own ‘business’ so as not to attract the ire of one of the meat-headed jocks in there. They delight in ‘Tagging The Homo’ with a towel flick if anyone so much as glances in their direction. Most of them aren’t even that impressive, to be honest. Like I said, my taste in guys is kind of….nuanced. 😛

Interestingly I made a little friend at the gym yesterday. His name is Jimmy LaPlane. He’s a cute little guy, kind of geeky. Darkish hair. Surprisingly hung but a little too delicate to be caught up among these hairless apes in there. Naturally, he gets picked on because he’s fair game.

I also think he’s kind of ‘funny’.

One of the jocks caught Jimmy looking and was about to Tag the Homo when I ‘mistakenly’ walked between the two before the towel could be fired in poor little Jimmy’s direction. To the naked apes in the gym a towel flick is just a sting and a little red mark that goes away in about 5 minutes. For Jimmy, though, it makes a bruise that lasts a long time. I’ve seen it before. So I interfered.

The Jock got pissed of course coz how dare a tall string bean freshman like me get between His Majesty and His prey. He was going to pop me with the towel until one of his buddies grabbed his shoulder and made him stop while shaking his head and looking at me. He whispered something into the asshole’s ear. They went back to their dressing with a sneer.

Seems my training has reached the ears of even the High School royalty. My dad was smart getting me involved in martial arts like he did! I noticed Joe smirking at me from his locker at that. I exchanged a similar look. Maybe Joe was getting better?

Jimmy caught all of this and was wide eyed with astonishment. But that look turned kind of sly when he saw the exchange between Joe and I. Jimmy then looked me up and down kind of appreciatively. I suddenly remembered my nudity and I felt myself blush a bit all over.

“Thanks soo much!” He said softly. He then demurely looked back at Joe. I swear he fluttered his eyelashes a bit. He then turned back to me and smiled and nodded his head with respect. I saw his eyes drift down to my crotch quickly before he turned back to his locker.


Anyway, other interesting things….

I got an A+ on my first Geometry test today!! My dad was really proud, now he’s expecting me to be an architect. I don’t know about that but I do seem to have a knack for spacial mathematics, as Mr. Webber calls it. He has already talked to me about signing up for his Trigonometry class next semester and then maybe trying AP Calculus. Wow! I never thought about doing any Advanced Placement stuff before now! I’d be earning credits toward college already!

But, as good as that was and also that I was actually doing good in English which surprised me, the greatest development of today was in the library.

Yes, right in my sanctum sanctorum.

I had a ‘guest’ today who is becoming a regular.

Now, I not only see Billy in Science class and at lunch each day but now I’m seeing him in the library too! Also, he shows up just a little after I do right about after I’ve settled in and have started to concentrate on things.

I’ll be engrossed in an equation or reading something and I’ll get this tickly feeling on my neck like I’m being watched. Hehehehehe!

Sure enough, I glance up a little through my bangs and I see Billy nonchalantly ‘studying’ but mostly looking over at me. I try not to look like I notice. it’s too cute! I am so flattered that he actually looks at me! At me! Like maybe the stalker is being stalked a little? it’s almost too much to hope that he feels the same about me that I do about him but I doubt it.

Maybe he needs a science partner and he’s sizing me up for that or maybe he just wants a study buddy or just a buddy buddy.

But, there’s something about his looking at me that gives me a little nervous butterfly thing going on in my tummy. Something about it is more than just sizing up a new video gaming partner or whatever. Is there something else there?

Meh. Who am I kidding. I only know of one guy that ever liked me that way and that’s Joe the Vampire that bit me and turned me into….this. 🙁

Maybe I know the other: Jimmy. But not conclusively. Everyone else I would suppose is straight as an arrow. Even the butt grabbing jocks in the gym.

Billy never approaches. He never seeks to engage me in any way other than just looking. It should make me feel creeped out and uncomfortable but it doesn’t. It’s really weird.

I’m glad for the company if nothing else. My library existence has been pretty lonely. It’s hard being an outcast. The hardest part is being alone. Now, at least, I’m not alone.

On days when he’s not there I miss him terribly. I don’t know why we don’t talk. But he doesn’t make the overture and I know I won’t because I’m too nervous and shy.

So here we are in this strange sort of ‘detente’ (History Class has me getting new words now too). Almost like Joe and I in the gym. It’s a weird symmetry like a parallelogram in Geometry. That’s what worries me.

Could Billy be setting me up for something?

Ooooo, I hate that cold feeling in the pit of my stomach when I start thinking things like that. Like he’s sizing me up for some prank or cruel put down. I don’t know if I could take such a thing from Billy. I don’t know the guy, but I’d be so disappointed if he was an asshole.

I wish I could get this paranoia under wraps. I’m sure it weirds me out to the point where I have trouble making friends and stuff. ~sigh~

It would be nice to have someone to talk about this stuff with. A big brother or sister or something. I can talk to my dad, but I don’t want to give away too much of….what I am. He’d surely not understand and think I’ve fallen into some kind of sinful trap or something. That I’d need to be ‘straightened out’. Yeah. Like punishing me is going to change anything. So now this…this Gay thing, it’s made me into something I never was before. A liar.

I have to lie to my Dad, to the people around me, to my teachers, church folks, and even to myself. I’d say I’d have to lie to my friends but I don’t allow those in my life anymore. They always betray me in the end.


The last thing I need is other kids in school knowing what I am. The rumors here are brutal. They are quickly made but stick forever. I swear High School is a prison complete with verbal shanks and Tag The Homo zip guns or worse. Kids have been known to be injured by those Jock assholes if they are crossed or get a wild hair up their hairless asses. Sometimes badly. But they are the Princes of the school so they get away with it.

I like my classes. I like my library. I like Billy. But the rest I will be very very happy to leave behind and never look back once I graduate. I imagine there are lots of kids like me that feel that way. I see it on their faces. But, it doesn’t matter what they feel. Nothing matters. We don’t matter. The kids. We’re just ‘product’. I think some of the teachers care, but they can’t invest too much. How could they? They must go through thousands of kids in their careers. You’ve got to get jaded by it all at some point. You have to or you’d quit or kill yourself!

I couldn’t imagine trying to work in that place year in and year out for decades. What kind of hell would God invent worse than that fate. Yet, then there are teachers like Mr. Webber who are genuinely excited when they have a promising student that wants to learn. Like me, I suppose. He is happy doing this. My English teacher, on the other hand, Mrs. Riggers; She seems to hate everything and everybody. She teaches well but it’s totally joyless. I know I call her Bitch a lot, coz she IS a bitch, but I also feel kind of sorry for her. She must be real unhappy here. I can totally see why.

I hope I don’t end up in a career I regret getting into. I hope I can keep my options open so that I always have a way out if necessary.

OK, ok. Enough of this heavy crap. I swear I give myself headaches dithering away like this.

I can’t stop thinking about Jimmy today at the gym. The way he looked at me and Joe. Like he sensed it. That lingering something we have or had between us. I have to wonder….

I looked it up on Google the other night: Gaydar. LOL. I love the name. it’s too funny! The ability to tell who’s Gay and who isn’t. Like Professor Xavier’s telepathy or something. Now, some guys it’s, like, ‘THUPER eathy’ to tell that they are Gay. I mean they wear it like a badge of honor. Swishing and mincing around. Wearing pink and rainbow colors obsessively. Doing their hair in that way. You know the way? I can’t describe it….it just is….Gay!

But that’s not Gaydar. That’s just observing obvious behavior. Gaydar basically ‘Outs’ someone to you. They either do something or say something Gay or they just have this vibe. it’s very subtle. I think I have a little of it but I think if Jimmy’s already figured Joe and I out he must have some serious Gaydar abilities. I’m talking Mutant Superpower here!

His long looks at me all naked brings back that full body blush again. I guess girls do this all the time to guys and I know straight guys do this shamelessly with girls, but it looks like gay guys do it too.

I looked that up on Google (of course). Cruising they call it in Gay lingo. When you are cruising you’re looking for a Gay partner or hookup. If you are being cruised then somebody is checking you out.

I get the feeling Jimmy was cruising me hard today.

A-Ha! You know what? I just remembered! it’s the same feeling I got when AJ ‘cruised’ me at the Mall last month. Totally!

Ok, there’s no question then. AJ is the most flamboyantly Gay guy I’ve ever seen. He is one of the ones I was just talking about. Wearing it like a badge.

So, ergo (heheheheh – There goes my mathematical Spock logic) if I get the same feeling from Jimmy that I got from AJ then it stands to reason that Jimmy is Gay too. Just not as Pride Parade as AJ is.

So THIS is Gaydar? A process of comparing notes with older experiences? How scientific!

It still doesn’t explain how Jimmy picked up on Joe and I so quick. Like I said, Gaydar power Class 3 Mutant. 😛

I just hope he doesn’t start any rumors about me.

Oh fuck! He just might?

Maybe I should have let the Jock kill him?

No, no. I won’t believe a guy could turn on somebody that just helped them out of a jam. I have to have a little bit more faith in humanity than that.

Lord knows I don’t want to end up a bitter old man at the ripe old age of 16 already.

Welp, I just heard Dad calling me for dinner. Good. I’m famished and he’s made my favorite tonight. Spaghetti with Meatsauce!

Anyway, goodnight Billy….wherever you are.

I hope you’ll talk to me soon.

This is Brandon…going for Spaghetti!

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