I’m so very confused right now.
Something happened and I let it happen and now I don’t know if I should have or not. But, what’s weird, is it was good and it was bad all at once. I also don’t think it will ever happen again, at least not with who it happened with and that makes me very sad for some reason.
Sad and yet relieved. A pressure that has been building for years was let go yesterday afternoon. I hated that it happened and I loved that it happened and of course…I am wracked by guilt about it.
It’s something I should definitely go to Confession over, but I don’t think I will. It is too personal to share with anyone but with the person I shared it with and with you, my Nameless Hacker.
One person that will NEVER know of this is my Dad. I will be thrown out of the house for sure. Boys like me have to be thrown away…we’re no good. He’ll know his son is a confirmed pervert. A ‘Fruit’ just like my Uncle Mike, my Dad’s brother. :/ My Dad won’t even talk to his own brother. Not on purpose anyways. We never visit him, never send birthday or Christmas cards, never get or make phone calls. Nothing.
My Dad and, I guess my Grandad too, have all but disowned Uncle Mike.
What’s funny is that, right now, I would really like to talk to my uncle. This situation is really weird and I need someone who knows…well…how to be Gay.
Because as of yesterday afternoon I am no longer just ‘questioning’. I know I am Gay and I know it for a proven fact.
Oh my God, Brandon! What did you do?
Ok, well I guess I should come clean with it. I don’t even know if it’s safe for me to be writing this in here. What if my Dad starts snooping around my computer? Uh oh! What if he already has? What if he’s just waiting for me to cop to something that proves to him I am a ‘Fruit’? Maybe I should just keep this to myself.
Who am I kidding? I have to get this out somewhere and I have absolutely NO ONE to talk to about it. I don’t even know my Uncle Mike’s number to call him. Plus, even if I did I wouldn’t be able to call him because my Dad would see the phone number on his bill!
I’m shaking right now. I don’t know what to do anymore! It’s just become, like, all too real, you know? I’m Gay. I…am.
So…enough stalling. It doesn’t matter anyway, really. Nothing matters. I’m doomed anyway. I won’t be able to hide this forever. Something or someone will ‘Out’ me and then my Dad will disown me. It’s inevitable.
I hope being a street prostitute isn’t too bad. Maybe with enough drugs it can even be fun. Yeah…
So, yesterday I was doing some extra laps and practiced making lay-ups after school which is after gym for me. I figured if I ever have a hope of joining the Junior Varsity Basketball team I’d better start getting hot. I put in a good 40 minutes of practice, by myself of course, and by the time I was done I was soaked with sweat. I didn’t want to ride home like that. I felt gross with my jersey clinging to me and my sweat slicked shorts would make my bicycle seat all wet and smelly. Eww.
So, figuring I was alone, I opted to take a shower at the gym rather than wait till I got home like I normally do. I stripped and went into the shower room. Nobody was around and I felt ok that I wouldn’t be disturbed or anything.
I was just done soaping up when I felt a leg wrap around mine and two strong arms grab me tight around my stomach and neck! I was immobilized completely! I yelped and started to struggle but a calm reassuring voice, a familiar voice, spoke quietly into my ear. I stopped my struggling when I heard his voice. I don’t know why, but it instantly put me at rest. That voice could always do that to me. It was like magic and the magic only got more powerful with the slight deepening of his teenaged voice.
Joseph said: “It’s ok, Brandon. It’s just me. it’s just JOEseph. Don’t be scared.” His breath in my ear sent an instant thrill down my spine and I shivered. The shiver caused Joseph to loosen his grip around my middle and his hand went from my throat to my chest.
As the shock of his grabbing me from behind passed, I noticed something I’d never felt before: I felt the naked skin of another human being pressed against my skin. Joe was holding me tight against him and he was just as nude as I was.
I’ve never had a brother so I never bathed with anyone before. Apparently I took baths with my mom and dad when I was a baby, but I don’t remember that. This was a new experience for me and it made me really excited. I couldn’t control how my body responded. It just worked on instinct and that’s when things got really weird.
I felt him pressed against my back and, what is more, I felt his hardness right up against my butt. This feeling made me instantly erect. I had no control over it. I also flushed all over and my knees got weak. They got weaker as Joseph started to rub my nipples. Holy God what a feeling! Never in my life did I know that my nipples were capable of making me go all weak in the knees and shiver like I was cold!
“I’ve missed you, Brandon. I’m so sorry for what we did to ya back then. It wasn’t right. You didn’t know. How could you? You have always been so innocent and good. It wasn’t right and now I wanna make it right…one last time.” Joseph whispered into my ear and his breath worked its way in my ear hole making all the little hairs in there wiggle. Oh wow!
I felt him press into my back and hold me against him tighter and his breath got heavier. I leaned back into him. I couldn’t help it. I wanted it so bad. I ached I was so hard. I don’t think I’ve ever been that hard before!
My breath came in pants and I felt him kiss my shoulder. The ‘wrongness’ of it made me tense a bit, but I quickly relaxed as I soon felt his tongue. I couldn’t stop him. I didn’t want to. His leg was still wrapped around mine and I still couldn’t have moved anyway, but I hadn’t wanted to move. I didn’t want to.
I wanted this. I wanted this so bad!
I went ridged when his hand slipped down my belly to my hard-on and he began to stroke me. I must have started to squirm because I felt so ‘wrong’ about it. I was so embarrassed and ashamed and worried someone would walk in on us.
But Joseph said something that just took the fight right out of me. It was like it wasn’t my fault and that, just like the horses in the field, this was perfectly normal and natural. Also, it was good. So very good!
“Shhh, Babe. Let it happen. It’ll feel so good. You’ll see. No one will ever know. No one is here. I checked. This is just for us. So…let it happen!” Those words will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Because I totally gave in to Joseph then. I let him stroke me and I let him grind against my behind with his own hardness.
My soap slicked body made sliding our bodies against one another’s so easy. I was totally lost in the ecstasy of having someone else’s warm hand massage me with a different rhythm than I would do for myself.
I found myself pushing back against Joe as he rubbed himself against my butt crack. Before long I found that I couldn’t control my voice anymore and that I was making these whimpering noises as I came closer and closer.
Joseph felt my urgency and he sped up his yanking which made me start to hump his hand. This put added movement on Joseph with my rump and before we knew it he couldn’t control himself anymore.
He grunted loud, thrusted forward and then moaned. I felt the warmth of his cum hit my back.
His tight spastic jerking caused me to yelp much more loudly than I meant to. I braced myself against the wall of the shower as I had the biggest climax of my life. Every muscle in my body tensed and I found myself standing on my tippy toes. My loins spasmed almost painfully and my cum splashed against the shower wall with surprising force.
After a few seconds we were left heaving and trying to catch our breaths. Joseph had his head resting in the middle of my back as I kept myself braced against the shower wall.
The shower water was spraying on us both and the evidence of our time together washed away almost as quickly as it was made.
Joseph let me go reluctantly. I turned around and looked into his hazel gold eyes. He was smiling bashfully at me. His curly hair was wet and hanging in his eyes a little. I could still see the blush in his cheeks from our, I guess I could call it our sex together.
He looked down and away from me and looked a bit ashamed of himself.
“I..I’m sorry Bran. I didn’t…I wouldn’t have…I shouldn’t have done that.” Joseph got this hurt look.
I was admiring all of him though, at this point. I had never seen him totally nude. He had such a gorgeous body.
“I..it’s ok, I guess. It…” I kind of shrugged and turned away to turn off the shower and to also hide that I was about to cry. The emotional conflict was too much for me.
It still is!
“Hey…” Joseph turned me around and hugged me tight, but not in a sexual way. In a brotherly way.
“I…kind of wanted us to finish what we started all those years ago. I…I’ve always really liked you, Bran. Always!” His eyes brightened as they looked into mine but then it was his turn to turn away because I saw the tears come.
“I…kind of needed to finish, coz…I’m going away. I wanted something for us to remember.” Joseph said with a break in his voice.
“Going away?” I was suddenly struck by a sadness I didn’t understand. Joe and I had been ‘frenemies’ for so long now that I really couldn’t see a world without him in it! The lump in my throat grew so big I couldn’t talk!
“Y…yeah. Got to. Mom’s job is moving to St. Louis. I’ll be moving this weekend. I won’t have time…to say goodbye.” At that point Joseph covered his eyes and started to sob.
I went and held him as he cried and, I’ll be honest, I cried too.
Joseph had been my first real friend. We were stupid not to make up and stay that way. Now…now, I guess we were also lovers. But, now he was going away. So much, too much, too fast! I just couldn’t deal!
He finally broke off from me and started off for his locker. But, he turned one last time to me and said: “Bye.”
I don’t guess I’ll ever see Joseph Tanner again.
My heart hurts thinking about it. I’ll miss him something awful now. 🙁
It’s so hard to try and get my head wrapped around this. I’ll go crazy trying to figure it out.
Poor Billy. He’s been trying to get my attention all week and I’ve been so distracted by this that I’ll smile at him one minute and not notice him at all the next minute.
I hope he doesn’t think I hate him or anything. I’d hate that so very much! But, I am just so messed up about this thing.
“Let it happen. It’ll feel so good!”
Do I dare let it happen again? Do I dare?
Would Billy even be up for it? Is he Gay like me or is he straight? I don’t know.
I don’t know Billy at all, really.
See, Joe and I were close and, in the end, I didn’t know him at all either!
All I know is that Joe gave me a hunger that I didn’t have before. I want to feel that warm skin next to mine again. I want to feel that connection two bodies and minds have when they are together like that.
I’m starving for it now!
If not Billy then someone else. Some boy that wants me like Joe wanted me. Someone who I’ve wanted too.
Maybe AJ if not Billy?
Maybe Jamie if not AJ? Eww, no. Not Jamie. Not him.
Ohhh, Joe. What a way to leave me hanging. I feel like yesterday’s laundry.
This is Brandon…hung out to dry!