April 11

It’s almost like a dream.

What happened with Joe. It’s like it didn’t happen somehow. Like it was just another one of my ‘impure’ fantasies so I could finish myself off before going to sleep.

The only thing that lets me know that it probably was real is that the memory is more vivid than a dream. I can remember the feel of everything. Most importantly, I can remember the smell!

I didn’t even notice it at the time, but today, when I came back from the gym, I caught the smell of many male bodies in one space. The smell reminded me of the musky sweetness our bodies gave off when Joe and I were…er…doing It.

I’ve never had a dream where smell was a part of it before. Only memories can do that for me. It’s like when I smell pumpkin pie it makes me sad because it reminds me of my Mom.

Now…the smell of sweaty guys in the gym reminds me of sex with Joe and I get an immediate boner the minute it hits me. It’s embarrassing. I’m so glad I don’t shower with the other guys. They’d know instantly that I was a ‘Fruit’ because I’d be turned on by the smell of them.

Also…I must have worn a hole in my pillow last night. I couldn’t stop using it. Every couple of hours I’d get up so incredibly hard from dream/remembering of what Joe and I had done that I’d have to work it off again.

I think I’m becoming obsessed with the memory. I can hardly think of anything else. Especially when I get close to gym time in the afternoon. My brain just won’t stop playing that over and over in my head!

It’s driving me literally insane in the brain.

I guess I’m going to have to forget it ever happened because it probably never will again. It might as well have not happened at all since Joseph is gone and never coming back.

Jeeze, all I ever do is whine on this thing! I must be boring you, Nameless Hacker!

It’s just that…this situation is so weird. I’m trying to deal. I really am! But I feel different now. I feel…kind of violated, I guess. I don’t know why. Like I said…weird!

I don’t really have anyone I can talk about this with. I wouldn’t even know how to bring it up. Could I say I’m asking on behalf of a friend? Like, that’s the oldest and stupidest trick in the book! Can I say I’m writing a paper about teen sex safety and use this as an example? Maybe.

I don’t know.

I saw Billy this morning. After what happened with Joseph I felt almost ashamed to see him today. Like I ‘cheated’ or something. He was so bright and happy it lifted the clouds off me for a few minutes. He reminded me the sun was shining. It wasn’t quite enough to put a smile on my face though. I think he took it wrong because he almost walked passed without saying anything.

I couldn’t let that happen so I called out to him “Hey, Billy” and waved at him a little. He noticed and smiled. I saw a little sparkle there in his eyes like he usually has. He kind of paused like he didn’t know what to say and I thought I saw him blush a bit. Then I got a cute ‘Hi!’. It made the morning more bearable. He made my morning. I watched him walk past and I watched him roll those lovely buns with that same unconscious sexiness that he has.

For a moment I wondered how they would taste! Gawd! What a pervert I am! Hehehehe.

Just thinking about him now makes me feel better. Like maybe I’m overthinking things again like I do. Why can’t I just accept what happened with Joseph as just a special kind of exchange between good friends. I am Gay and so is he obviously. Just like he said: “something to remember him by.”

It could be that simple. What my brain tells me is one thing, but what my heart says makes it not so simple. My feelings have been scrambled like an egg and it’s gonna take a while for me to sort through all this.

But, I’ll try to look on this in a good light. We both got pleasure from it and we both wanted each other for just that few minutes.

Ok. Ok, then I won’t feel guilty about this. It was a good thing. It was not a violation. Not a rape. We shared something special and that’s what I need to take with me out of this. I just wish I could get rid of this ‘wrong’ feeling I have.

Well, I wish that was not the only thing I’m dealing with today. Of all people Jamie Cross comes to me today which is very strange because he’s never talked to me outside of Church before. He’s the Crown Prince of the school. Why would he bother with me at all?

Anyways, he comes to me and is like, “Hey Brandon, buddy! Howzit hangin’?” He claps me on my shoulder and squeezes a bit. I immediately tense up as I’m not used to get ‘felt up’…even with Joe.

I turned to face him quickly and couldn’t help but gasp slightly. Jamie really is a gorgeous guy. He’s just….beautiful, but…then there he was talking to me for no reason and I saw he had his entourage with him. I got immediately nervous and felt myself pumping up for a confrontation of some kind. I guess I started making fists. I can’t remember.

I guess Jamie got the hint. “Uh…whoa! Sorry, dude! Didn’t mean to startle ya or anything.” Jamie stood back a bit and his crew kind of giggled among themselves at my reaction. Dorks!

“Um…it’s ok.” I guess I said or something along those lines. What am I supposed to say?

“Anywho, Marie pretty much commanded me to give this to you today, so, like….here ya go!” Jamie said suddenly turning the high-beams up on his ultra-white smile. He hands me a baby blue envelope that smells of some kind of super sweet perfume.

His entourage couldn’t help but let out a couple of wolf whistles and stuff. Jamie kind of turned his head and said ‘sssh’ at them and then turned back to me and crossed his arms waiting for me to open it.

I guess I wasn’t going to have any privacy with this thing and his Highness wasn’t going to leave me alone until I’d opened the thing and showed him and his jerk friends the contents. I was already blushing like a fool. That was so awkward!

I open it and it’s a rather tastefully designed note card with a drawing of a kind cutie Disney prince with a bird on his finger singing to him. My name was written on the front with a bit of a flourish. Extremely girly!

I open it and it says,

“Thanks for walking me home the other day. You are a Prince! Let’s have lunch one day soon!


Marie +”

Unable to stand it anymore Jamie quickly steals a glance at my card and starts to giggle uncontrollably. I want to crawl into the locker and disappear!

“Boy! Sis has got it bad, guys. She’s been sizing Brandon up now for the better part of a year! She’s graduating Middle School this year so next year….I’m thinking Junior Prom Dates?” Jamie’s smirk is infectious and I find I smile too.

“I knew you could smile! Come on guys, let’s leave our Prince Charming here to my sister’s foo foos.” Jamie says as he goes off with his buddies who are whispering possibly obscene things to one another by the looks on their faces.

Jamie, I guess picks up on this and turns to me while walking backwards, pointing to me and saying, “Don’t get any ideas, Loverboy…but” then he gives me a thumbs up and then turns to catch up with his posse.

Swell. Now I have His Highness’s permission to date his little sister. So now I’m pretty much obligated to have lunch with her probably over the weekend.

Again, any normal guy in the world would be head over heels right now. But, to be very honest, I wish dearly that it was Billy I was taking to lunch this weekend. This will get complicated quickly, I’m gathering.

I flip the card over and it has her number and a “call me maybe” with hearts written on it. Now I have that stupid song stuck in my head on top of things. Lord knows that this IS crazy.


This is Brandon…with an ear worm.

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