Every time I asked my friend, Jared, why we were doing this, his answer was always, “Because…it’s ‘practice’, Tommy. You know, for the real thing. We’re going to high school this fall. That’s, like…real school, you know? We don’t want to go out there and get ourselves a couple of cute girlfriends, just to end up looking like we don’t know what we’re doing. Girls talk! Their gossip will ruin us forever.”
I have to admit, I didn’t mind kissing Jared at all. In fact it was the highlight of me coming home to an empty house every day after school. Thank the stars for a pair of working class parents and a thirteenth birthday that made it ok for me to stay home without a babysitter. It’s just…this will be our third time playing this little kissing game of ours, and my emotions are now starting to get involved. I find myself looking at him every time I think he’s too preoccupied to catch me. I see him in gym class, just in a pair of shorts, his long, smooth, legs reaching down into a pair of glaring white socks and some slightly worn out sneakers…and I feel like my breath is getting short. My heart begins to beat out of control, and all I can think about is getting him alone so we can practice kissing again.
I know these feelings are a bit weird, and probably wrong…and I might even be able to get RID of them if Jared didn’t keep drawing me back in with the temptation of actually giving me what I wanted most…
But I’d be lying if I said that they didn’t…feel good.
“Ok. Did you brush your teeth?” He asked as he sat on my bed next to me.
“Yeah. You?” It was hard to keep my voice from shaking. I was soooo nervous, now that he was here, ready to do this again.
“Uh huh. I brushed before I left the house. Plus I chewed some gum on the bike ride over.” He said, and he seemed to be wiggling a little bit to get himself comfortable on my mattress before asking, “You ready?”
Was I? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. I get this overwhelming rush of anxiety right before kissing Jared’s lush lips. I couldn’t look him in the eye. I know that I was blushing furiously. No need to hide it. I would have looked like a total idiot trying to pretend that this wasn’t one of the most exciting things to ever happen to me. “I guess…” I say, hoping not to let on that I wanted this more than anything.
I was already as hard as I’ve ever been before he even put his hand on my thigh to balance himself as he leaned in. “Ok, you tilt your head that way, and I’ll go this way. K?” Omigod! It gives me full body shivers when he says stuff like that!
“Mkay…” I say softly.
“Remember to close your eyes this time.”
“I DID close my eyes last time!”
“Hehehe, no you didn’t! You were staring at me like a maniac.” He giggled in the cutest way. Something about his laugh always made me feel so good inside. The sensation nearly folded me in half, every time.
“Ok already. Whatever. Just…lets do it. K?” I said. And I’m surprised that I had enough oxygen to even say that.
“Ok…do you want to count, or do you want me to count?” Ugh! I wish he didn’t make this so ‘technical’ all the time.
“I’ll count.” I said, hoping to just get the pretense out of the way so we could kiss already. “Ok…five, four, three…”
“WAIT! That’s too fast!” He said. “Slow down a bit.”
WHY??? Fuck, whatever. I slowed down my count.
“Three….two…one…” I said, and that’s when we both tilted our heads to the side, held our breaths for a second…and we kissed.
I know it was more of an experiment than a romantic experience. I understand that. But…the fireworks in my heart were ignited just the same. Oh GOD…his lips were sooooo soft!
Just the right amount of moisture. I remember that most of all. Never too wet, never too dry.
I feel the gentle pressure of his lips against mine, and I try to make this a platonic experience…but I don’t think I can keep my tortured heart from getting all heavily involved. He never ceases to make me feel weak in the middle, my emotions slipping out of my control as I fight to not enjoy it as much as I desperately needed to. Does this mean I’m gay? I never really thought of myself as gay before. Then again…I never really kissed anybody before. I can’t imagine doing this with any of the girls in my class. Maybe Toby from my Social Studies class…or Kevin from my Art class. Maybe even Mr. Shepard, my History teacher…if he wasn’t old.
Still…this just didn’t feel like practice to me. It felt…HOT! Naughty and forbidden and…SEXY! How could Jared not be feeling what I feel right now? God, I was so HARD in my pants!
He parted his lips from mine, and he was like, “Ok, you wanna try tongues now?”
I don’t know if I was super excited that he wanted to French me again, or…if I was hurt by the fact that he asked. As if this was some scheduled ‘homework’, guided by an invisible straight boy booklet that I’d never be able to read or comprehend the way he did.
Whatever. I guess I can stress over the details later. Right now, my lips felt so useless without his kiss connecting to everything that I was. I was so much more into this kissing game than he was, but that didn’t come without its benefits.
Jared smiled at me as he saw the look on my face. “Ooh baby, you look excited.” He giggled.
“Shut up!” I said, a jolt of fear rushing through me as the fear of getting caught being turned on nearly consumed me. “Just…turn your head this way, and let ME go that way this time!”
“Ok. That’s cool?” He said. “Ready?” I nodded, and before I could fully get my wits about me, we were kissing again.
Slowly. Intimately. We tried to get our tongues involved, but it felt kind of weird. Not in a gross way like I thought it would be. Just…it wasn’t like anything I had ever experienced before yesterday. It’s funny, his tongue didn’t really taste like anything. I don’t know what I was expecting, but…once I got past the awkward feel of having another tongue sliding back and forth against my own…it got to be really HOT!
Hehehe, strange! I always imagined tongue kissing to feel like…having the doctor pushing that long popsicle stick past your gag reflex when you went in for your little league physical. But it wasn’t like that at all. It was warm, and wet, and passionate beyond my comprehension of what passion even was at this point. We just focused on letting the texture of our tastebuds rub back and forth on the surface, while keeping our lips sealed, and remembering to breathe.
Breathing was the hardest part. You kind of have to relax to pull that off. Relaxing was difficult.
A tiny whimper left the back of my throat before I could catch it and cut it off, and Jared pulled back slightly.
I opened my eyes to see him smiling at me. “How was that?” He asked.
“The tongue kiss. Was it good?” He seemed so hopeful. I wanted to tell him that it was the most amazing kiss that I had ever had in my whole friggin’ LIFE!!! But…the fact that he was still treating this like a science project, kind of stung my heart a little bit.
I sighed, directing my stare down to my shoes. “It was great, Jared. Really cool.”
“Really?” He asked. “It wasn’t too much tongue, was it? Or maybe too little?”
Feeling my heart sink a bit lower, I replied, “Don’t worry. It was just the right amount of tongue. Just the right amount of everything. I liked it a lot.” It hurt me to say it, but I added, “I’m sure any girl would be crazy to not wanna make out with you.”
Ugh! The very words had the rancid taste of leaking battery acid in my mouth! But he blushed and giggled to himself. “Thanks, dude. You were good too! Kissing you is awesome. Girls are gonna be all over you when the time comes.” Then he caught me off guard by leaning back a bit further, and drawing my attention to the very obvious lump in his pants. “Look what you did, Tommy! Hehehe!”
My eyes widened as I saw this tent in the front of his pants. He was HARD! There was no mistaking it for anything else. Immediately, I turned away, feeling SO uncomfortable for looking directly at it, even though he asked me to. “Dude!” I said. Acting like I was hetero had become so natural to me that it was pretty much involuntary, causing me to shield my eyes from the sight of it. Even though, deep down, I never wanted to shove my face into his lap more than I did at that very moment.
“Hahaha! What? It’s ok! It just means you’re a good kisser, that’s all. Aren’t you hard too? Let me see!”
“Nooooo! Don’t.” I grinned. But he looked anyway, and I couldn’t have hidden it if I tried. So humiliating!
“See? I told ya!” He said. The sound of his sweet laughter was breaking me down, little by little. My emotions were swirling up around him so tight that I’m surprised that I didn’t randomly burst into tears.
He’ll never be mine, will he? We’ll practice a few more times before school starts…then some girl will notice the same beauty and charm in Jared that I do. They’ll start off with a clumsy little dance of hidden smiles and passed notes in class…and then she’ll get him. He’ll fall for her and she’ll take my place as his partner in this kissing game of ours. He’ll like her kisses better, I’ll bet. And that will lead to things that I can only dream about. Things I have dreamed about…and woke up with a mess to clean.
“You wanna try some more before your mom gets home?” He asked. “Let’s lay down this time. Like, on our sides. I’ll try to keep my boner from touching you. Promise.”
I may be setting myself up for heartache and pain later on…but I can’t say no. I just can’t. “Ok…” I said nervously. “It’s ok if your boner touches me by accident. I won’t mind.”
“Hehehe, don’t perv out on me, bro. We’re just practicing, remember?” He scoffed playfully. “It’s just a game, right?”
Just a game…