When you first found out that you were gay, or bi, or trans…whatever, how did it affect you? How old were you when it happened, and did you reject the feelings inside when you discovered them for the first time? Did you feel bad about your attractions? Were you ashamed? Let us know what your earliest experiences were when it came to finding out that you were…’different’.

Share your story! What do you think about this? Let us know!

– ″This is a little difficult for me to answer, because it’s complicated (but then I’m sure it is for most people here)

When I first started noticing boys and girls (mostly boys) it didn’t bother me at all it was exciting and intoxicating, never a concern.

The area I grew up in hardly anyone’s religious, including my own family (all atheists, except mum who’s a deist), so there was no religious pressure or anything regarding homosexuals. Nor in school, or among friends.

The word “gay” was regularly thrown around as a slur. But it wasn’t really used in a way to tease / insult someone’s sexuality. And it wasn’t even a word I identified with, even though I was having lots of gay thoughts and then later, gay sex with some of my friends.

I can’t remember if I even knew what the word ‘gay’ meant back then. I think I just knew it as a general insult, like “retard” and “moron” that boys threw around to call each other. You have to know that gay issues weren’t really talked a lot back then. This was before the internet was widely used. Before marriage equality and hardly any LGBT people (apart from Elton John) was in the public eye. Plus we were kids so we didn’t pay attention to the news anyway. So most of us didn’t even really know or think about what being gay meant, or that some adults grow up to form life long bonds with members of the same-sex. I don’t remember what I thought about my own sexual attraction. I just knew that it never worried me, and it felt good when I thought about kissing and touching other boys. I also knew I wasn’t alone with these feelings, fortunately for me.

So terms like “gay” and “homosexual” were never on my mind, yet at the same time gay thoughts were prevalent. I was constantly checking out the boys bubble butts through their school pants, on the sly, and eyeing up my friends during PE. and showers. I was a walking hormone, I swear. Lol.

But at the same time conforming to gender stereotypes was excepted. Boys who didn’t want to go out and play football (soccer) or rugby, were looked at oddly by the other kids. My stepdad got me into boxing when I was very young. I had no choice in the matter, but I grew to enjoy it. Same thing happened with my older brothers and dad himself when he was a kid by his father. It’s pretty much expected here. At the same time both my parents have never shown to have had any homophobic attitudes. They’ve had gay friends in the past.

So being gay to some was just seen to be ‘unmanly’ rather than ‘sinful’ in my area growing up. At the same time I recognised my own attraction to other boys and it didn’t bother me at all, but I kept it to myself (and my partners obviously), just to spare any hassle, I suppose. But I didn’t see it as ‘unmanly’ and certainly not ‘sinful’, so I never had to endure of phase of self-hate and denial. I never had to “accept it”. It just was what it was. But I did recognise that some other people had a problem with homosexuality, but that was their problem not mine. I just saw it as them being ignorant and prude.

It wasn’t until later, in my late teens and adult years, when I began to really think about my sexual orientation,
and also (via the internet) I started to see how intolerant other places were towards homosexuals. Places like the bible belt in the US, Russia, and Muslim countries, etc. And that both confused me and pissed me off big time cause it’s got fuck all to do with anyone else what two men or two women (or even a group of people) get up to in the sack. Just because they happen to subscribe to a repressive ideology, it doesn’t mean the rest of us should, or that we should live by their archaic standards.

But really, the most frustrating thing about my own sexuality, has just been trying to label it, or even define it, really.

I’ve gone from bisexual, to gay, to bisexual again, to ‘no labels’. All I know for sure is that I’m not heterosexual. I’m not even sexually attracted to most people regardless of gender.

If I say I’m bi, that gives people the false idea that I am attracted to both sexes equally, or at least, there’s no difference when it comes to romantic feelings and attraction. But neither am I completely homosexual or heterosexual.

The way I feel about guys and girls, even the ones I am attracted to can vary when it comes to emotions VS attraction.
I’m very rarely emotionally involved with a woman. I can love them like I love a mother, a sister, a friend, and possibly a daughter. But not as a lover. I just don’t get that romantic connection with them.
But at the same time, I’m sexually attracted to more females than males. And I’ve had a lot more female partners than male ones, although part of the reason for that’s just down to availability. It’s easier to shack up with a gal than a guy.

Like I said, it’s fucking confusing and I’ve given up trying to fully understand it even for myself. But I’m at peace with it, whatever “it” is. :)″ – Mike84

– ″I was two different feelings at the time, one after the other.

I was maybe 13 at the time in the 7th grade. At first I was just sooo confused then after a span of time a little bit excited. “Huh?” would have described it perfectly at the start. I suddenly had thoughts like “Why the heck do I want to see him naked all of the sudden? Is this what being Gay is like?”, things like that. So after a year of having thoughts like that I was a bit excited of entertaining those thoughts.

I wasn’t afraid of, and didn’t reject, the idea of being different I was more afraid of being outed more than anything else since I studied in an all-boy catholic highschool. So you could say that I was ashamed of it but wasn’t afraid of it. I can’t say that it really affected me more than getting a little excited when we dress up for PE at the time.

Well time passed and I discovered what “Bisexuality” was so I considered myself Bi. I eventually had a HUGE infatuation with a close friend of mine (Glenn) who was obviously gay after being friends with me after a year and a half. Never got together though :P. Other interesting things happened though, I discovered my bestfriend was also Bi and attracted to a guy named Angelo, so there’s that. He was the only one who knew about my “Bi-ness”.

So yeah there’s my experiences. I never really fought it, I just kept it to myself, no one needed to know anyway :P″ – MasterM

– ″My answer to this question is part of the reason I ended out online, and why I surrounded myself with people who felt as I did when I absolutely couldn’t do the same in real life for many years to come. There are two layers to my answer though.

I was introduced to gay sexual play when I was only 8 years old. What happened originally, I walked in on two older friends looking at a dirty magazine, with their hands down the front of each other’s pants. Instinctively, I swore to never tell and tried to leave. That’s when one of them suggested that if I looked too, then I couldn’t tell on them. Now, one of these boys was as close to me as family and the other his best friend. At 8-years-old, I idolized these boys and since my home life was pretty awful, attention from them meant the world. Besides, I was curious as to what they were doing anyway. So, I looked. It was pictures of naked women with combinations of men and women engaged in doing the nasty. At first, I thought the pictures were stupid (Hey, I was 8) but what got me was what my friends were doing and how much they seemed to like it if someone else touched them. I learned what masturbation was and how to do it, I learned what a blowjob was and how they were given and I got a crash course on what sex was. I got aroused but what excited me most was the fact that my friends, these older boys (10 and 11) included me and liked me enough to let me play too. I didn’t know what gay was and I didn’t care. I do remember wondering why they even needed the pictures. I rarely looked at them, watching the action right there in the room was way better. Once I offered to mimic some of what we saw on them, it started a trend of us helping each other out. Still, I loved them both and would have done anything they asked. Not once did either force me to do anything and not once did I need to be asked if I wanted in. Sounds great, right?

I had really become dependent on these two as an outlet and it sucked when we went for long periods of time without going there. One time not long after my 10th birthday, after being separated from them for a few months, I found an adult family member who I “accidentally” learned liked many of the same things we did and in the one time that it turned into us helping each other out, he cornered and hurt me to get what he wanted. (Like I said, not a great household. I’d never trust an adult male in a position where I was so vulnerable again.) The last time we went out there for a visit (I was almost 16 at this point), the boy who was like family had found a girlfriend and couldn’t be bothered anymore. The other boy, now 19 at this point hung out with me at his house for the last time as he planned to go into the Army. Our last time together was the last time I didn’t regret how I felt about a teen male. I realized that they were moving on and even though that last day was mind-blowing, it would be the last time for many years that I wouldn’t feel like an outcast because of how I felt. They moved on and I expected to do the same. Unlike them, I never grew out of that phase and crush after crush on best friends would hurt deeply because I learned that being gay was something bad in the eyes of others. I had heard the tauntings of children before. “Fag”, “Faggot”, “Fairy”, and “Homo” were insults you never wanted to be applied to you. So, I went from blissfully enjoying myself openly with two boys I loved in every way I knew how. to pretending to be like everyone else just to fit in. It was a horrible time and one that started the downward spiral of self-hatred that would overshadow most of my young adulthood. To this day, I have never found someone I would consider a partner in this life. Family and close friends know the whole story now, the one I hid for almost three decades. But by the time I realized that the term “Gay” actually applied to me, I fought against it as hard as I could for fear that I would become labeled and hated. I would look at it as a cruel joke the universe was playing on me.

So, I learned to like sexual contact with older peers in my pre-teen years. As a teen, I would learn that I was the round peg that life was trying to stuff into a square hole, and did what I could to become the square peg. As an adult, I understand why I hated who I was and regret so much lost time trying to be someone who I absolutely was not. Seeing so many younger adults being true to themselves today, I envy them and sometimes even wish I had been born a couple of decades later than I had been.

As always, I share this because some may understand already and some may better understand why not too long ago, being yourself really could be something you could be hated for. Today, I care a little less about acceptance and a lot more about finding the things that make me happy. Hope you all are doing the same.″ – JeffsFort

– ″Ok check this out…

It’s like this ok….I never “found out” I was gay..or figured it out…I just was! I never had a single romantic or sexual or even curious thought about girls. Nope not a one. My earliest memories of stuff like that were only about boys. When mom would read me stories about the princess who got the handsome prince I’d be jealous of the princesses. Or I’d think what the hell does that prince want with a princess if he can get another prince!??? Every pre pubescent and pubescent thought I ever had was only about boys. So I guess what I’m saying is I didn’t figure out I was gay any more than a straight boy “figures out” that he’s straight…I just went with what I was and just assumed it was “normal”. It wasn’t til I was probably 12 or so that I started to realize that what I was wasn’t necessarily “normal” to other people. But by then I guess I just said fuck it this is what I am. When I was was 15 I finally told the rest of the world because I didn’t want to lie, and comsie helped me with that bigtime! (Thanks Big C 😁😙🙆)…but it turns out everyone else pretty much already knew anyways so it wasn’t any big deal. Lool 😄. Oh well… Anyways yup that’s my answer! Luv yaz all!″ – Joey

– ″I was around six years old when I realized that I wanted to do things with the other boys. I didn’t know what it was we were supposed to do exactly, but I got one of my classmates to sleep over and we did a comparison of things. We got caught, obviously, since the plans of six year olds are not very sophisticated, and we weren’t quiet about it at all. I ended up being teased really badly for it, and he didn’t stay friends with me in an attempt to protect his reputation. So for a long time I felt pretty bad about my same-sex attractions, and was terrified that he’d tell teachers or other students about what we did.

I’m over all that now, and I’m happy to pursue whatever I think is best for me, but that was a seriously big concern way back when I was a small child.″ – Hunter Thomson

– ″I most definitely DID fight it…at least for a while…

I can remember it starting out as a bit of confusion. Mostly because I’ve always been a very, ummm…’introspective’ kid, I guess. Even when I was five or six years old I knew that I was drawn to certain people above all others. Sometimes girls, sometimes boys. But everything felt natural to me, so I didn’t think anything of it. Around the 6th grade, as soon as school started in the fall, I saw this boy ‘Brice’ in my first period class and wanted him immediately! Hahaha! Of course, back then, I rationalized it out in my head as, “He looks like he’d make a good friend.” But looking back, yeah…he was super cute and I got infatuated.

It wasn’t until other friends and family and stuff started talking about gay people that I suddenly realized that there was supposed to be something wrong and inappropriate about what I was feeling. I honestly didn’t understand at the time. I was an 80’s kid, so nobody really blinked an eye when people used the word fag, faggot, Gaylord, etc. I just hadn’t yet realized that those words were talking about ME. I even used them myself with my friends when we were ribbing one another. When I was about 12 years old, ‘Stephen’ came along (But you guys might know him as ‘Ryan’ from “New Kid”), and another boy named Gabe, and then there was another, and another, and another. To the point where I began to panic and didn’t want any part of being different and abnormal and hated. I just figured I could hide it forever and not have anybody ever find out.

Then…one night there was a show on HBO. I wish I remembered the name, but I don’t. It was about gay people. Now, understand, at this point…the only thing that I knew about homo’s were they were all sissies and wore tight leather stuff and costumes and had big mustaches. (Hehehe! Give me a break! I was LITTLE!) But I remember watching this show late at night n the living room, sitting right in front of the TV with the volume waaaaay down, in the dark, and keeping my hand on the remote through the whole thing, just in case one of my parents woke up and I had to change the channel in a hurry. I was sooooo scared, but I wanted to know!

I had never seen gay guys be ‘intimate’ before. That blew my mind! I was breathless. Until that point, I thought being gay was just going to a bar and getting fucked on a pool table during an orgy while other people watched. NOT my thing at all. But this was different They were just normal guys. They kissed. And smiled. And cuddled on the couch. I knew that I was definitely bisexual then. I loved girls too…still do. But that one program exposed me to the idea that having a crush on another boy was just as normal and natural as it felt back when I was half that age. It felt good. It felt free.

I lost my virginity to the boy next door when I was 13. Hehehe, lost my ‘girl’ virginity to his older sister shortly after that. But that’s another story. And half way through the 8th grade, I had my first boyfriend, Jason. Gay feelings just became a part of my life after that. I still kept it a DEEPLY guarded secret, and still do in most situations…but fighting the actual feeling is no longer an option for me. Especially since the Shack and the stories came along. I can’t say that I’m living out loud or anything, but there’s no more conflict in my heart over who I am. Like…NONE! I’m proud to say that I know who I am. And despite a few awkward looks and hateful comments, I build myself a virtual paradise online where being myself is ok. I have friends now. Family. Support. I’m not a little boy watching a nearly muted TV special in the dark anymore. I’m ‘Comicality’. Heh…how far I’ve come! :P″ – Comicality

– ″Ok here’s my take

This is going to sound a little cliché but I always knew, since I have memory, I knew I liked boys. Now, when I accepted it, well… that’s a story.

Ok so, the first time I remember looking at a guy and thinking “wow, he’s beautiful” was when I was 6 and it was a pic of Leonardo DiCaprio; of course at the time I didn’t think much of it, and I forgot it like most kids do, because I was interested in other things, like games and cartoons and movies.

Then I turned 11 and I began seeing Taylor Hanson with other eyes, that’s when I thought “ok this is wrong” and I tried not to think of him that way at all; but there was also a boy in my class who I started seeing that way too, so I used to say to myself “this is a phase, it will pass soon”… but the feelings stayed there, even though I denied them.

Now, I turned 13, I went into Junior High School (or middle school as you say) and totaly fell in love with a boy a year younger than me. That’s when I said to myself “ok, I like boys”, but even though I accepted it, I still didn’t like it, so I began thinking that maybe I liked both genders (girls/boys) and started saying that I liked this girl from my class.

I stayed that way for almost 3 years and then, at 16 (in high school now), I came out as bisexual to two of my best friends. But a few months later, completely out of the blue, while laying on my bed, I thought to myself “I’m gay, I only like boys”. And I swear to good is was something random, I just thought of it like that, and it felt great.

So yeah, even though I accepted it completely at 16, I knew all my life, and yes it was hard to accept it, because society always tells you what is good or bad, but in the end I came to know me as who I am.″ – Fanson

″I think I always fought being gay because of the time period that I grew up.

I was 8 years old and just moved to a new neighborhood and school. I always thought I liked girls and chased them around. But I liked boys the same way. I thought of kissing girls but not the boys. But there was one very good looking boy that I played games with at school such as cowboys and indians and monsters. I didn’t have any sexual thoughts but only found this boy very attractive like the girls. He wasn’t feminine and I had never really thought much about liking him. We did become good friends and we played games at each others house. When we went to 7th grade we went to different schools and we didn’t see much of each other.

I had no other attractions till I was 12. One of my close friends wanted to play sexually and even though i thought it was strange, it was also exciting and I went along with it. The term gay did not exist in the way it does now. We referred to guys having sex as queer or homo. It was derogatory and no one wanted to be known as that. I still thought of myself as liking mostly girls but at that age sex with a girl was almost impossible. But guys were into experimenting so it was only easy if you knew someone well and that you didn’t have a fear of being outed as queer.

When I was dating age a few years later, i concentrated trying to make it with girls, but I was shy and not that popular so i had a lot of dates and routine girl stuff but no sex.

In my late 20’s, I had some sex with girls and considered myself straight. I had thoughts of being with guys but it was still a stigma and being called queer was not a desirable thing. I wanted to be “normal” so I eventually married and had children. I was married many years but I always felt I was missing something not having a young man to have sex with. Eventually I divorced at my wife’s request not mine. She felt I would be happier being “gay” which by this time was an acceptable term. I never had a lover but my desire for men was now exclusive.″ – Philszzy

– ″Like, this is a total cop-out, but, unfortunately it’s the dead truth.

My response to this question is the entire first book of this thing:

(link)

No, this is not a shameless plug for my story so you’ll read it (although that might be a benefit).

In Brandon Smiling I show you the agony I went through when I was 15-16 trying to fight my Gayness. I TOTALLY rejected the whole idea based mostly on religious reasons. When I was 15 I was a fucking ‘saint’. I felt guilty for masturbating even. REAL guilty! It gave me the typical Catholic Guilt complex that I held for DECADES. The very idea of hooking up with another boy was completely horrifying. What was sad was that, secretly, it is ALL I wanted. I wanted my Billy Chase soooo bad! My Dark Side would find any R rated movie I could find at Blockbuster Video that had a cute guy doing Sex on somebody! I had a HARD crush on an actor called Christopher Atkins. HARD is the optimal word here. I watched everything I could find him in! Look him up . . . you may see what I mean. He was (and is still even) SEVERELY fuckable!

Anyways, So like Brandon is MrM so read on in the chronicle and just think of me when you think of Brandon sans the Billy Chase part. He never showed up for MrM. So Brandon is the dream MrM is having of how different my teenagehood could have been if I hadn’t missed the boat.″ – MrM

– ″I Never really denied it This was just really confusing to me when I was a kid.

I don’t even know I used to be attracted to girls and boys when I was a kid sometimes I used to watch porn and imagine what it would be like being the girl.
Now I’m just all the way gay can’t even get a boner looking at a cute girl or even kissing them. that started in like 4th to 5th grade for me with my best friend Rodger that I had a crush on but he was so homophobic it wasn’t funny. But I had a friend before him called Allen we used to kiss sometimes for fun but that was it. I never really tried to deny being gay unless me not coming out counts. its always just been kinda normal for me.″ – Donovan

– ″Fight it? No… I think that’s a strong word, but no…. I wasn’t really happy about it… The first experience was just before getting together with my boyfriend. Nothing special about it… I just observed the others around and noted to myself that a few of the boys are also way too…umm. cute.

I didn’t even think about what that means you know… It popped out of my head and it felt “okay”.

Then I’ve found myself in my private time thinking about some of the boys. Yeah. After that I thought it’s probably some mental illness. Well as I defined it at the time “crazy” lol

I wasn’t sure if it’s really normal or that it means I’m some sort of side product. I believe the worst thing about my sexual orientation was, and still is there’s nobody to talk about it. Literally nobody except this place. At the time I thought about asking my parents, but that was never a good idea, no matter the topic, I was too shy to ask my grandparents or anyone else for that matter, so I shut it all inside, and lived on in uncertainty for long. Too long. Well until I saw my boyfriend. That day changed everything. No not immediately, but as I’ve managed to get closer to him, I was getting closer to losing my troubles.

There was no debates in my head, I just did what I do to this day….Throw away the useless complications and get straight to the point without the shtload of headaches and heartbreaks. So…I like to think I was okay with the fact that I’m some sort of side product of the “normal” even though… nevermind.

Yes, that’s right. To this day I’ve never actually settled it inside my head, because there is nothing to settle, it’s just plain ol’ me, end of story.″ – Dennis191

– ″Yep i fought it.

I always liked boys it didn’t just happen it was always there. but I also knew that in the area I lived it wasn’t the sort of thing that you ever told anyone, people were either openly and aggressively homophobic or they just laughed and gossiped about anyone they perceived to be gay.
Although I always knew I was gay/bi/something I tried convincing myself otherwise because I couldn’t face the added attention/abuse that went with it. As a lot of you know I have Tourette syndrome and a few other comorbid conditions which made my childhood and adolescence a living hell with daily abuse from all quarters so the thought of giving people more ammunition to use against me terrified me. I tried to block it out of my mind (and failed miserably lol). I find more women visually attractive than I do men BUT when it comes to sex with women its usually a waste of time its either awful or it doesn’t happen, with a few exceptions.
I lived like this for many years even when I was sleeping with my best friend for a few years I think I was trying to deny it to myself. Now I accept me for who I am and I am comfortable with that. I am not out because I don’t feel the need to be, but if I met someone then obviously that would change.″ – Tricky71

– ″Ok this question has come up many times over the years in various guises.

Well maybe not exactly, age wise yes but feelings about being gay maybe not. Anyhow I can honestly say I’ve never questioned my sexuality why should I? I’m proud of what I am now always was whether bi or gay it’s never been a problem for me or others I’m accepted for what I am and who I am. Gonna be a lot of repeats that people have heard over the years but hey. 🙂

I started playing about with boys when I was about 7 it seemed heavy and cool at the time but you can’t even cum at that age it just felt nice kissing and touching and after awhile we went back to doing wtv we were doing before and it was just sort of normal, I was doing the same with girls. Grade 6 at school things started getting different like more intense and really when I was 13 was the real life changer for me. I knew so much more, was able to go into gay teen chatrooms online and learnt a lot about gay in USA because I was mostly in an AOL chatroom but when I found this forum at about 15 I was stunned because people were saying such bad things about being gay in USA I just didn’t understand, still don’t but yeh I do know more than I knew then obviously.

Gay life for me at school was great well I was bi then but sex was always available as it is now. I wasn’t a slut just a horny teen as teens are and when the chance came I took it and it was often, very often. Most the times it was with so called straight boys and here’s the thing. Teens love to blag when it comes to sex it’s like a trophy although that’s more with straight sex. With gay sex you hook up with a guy and do the stuff and after awhile he’d say “Have you ever got it on with *whoever* we did it a couple days ago and it was great.” So eventually you built up a circle of boys who do lol, sex happened and really it was never mentioned a bit like when we were 7 we did it and carried on as usual. Kids started to assume I was bi but that was OK it didn’t bother me and it didn’t bother them. I had the benefits of although I prefer top I like being bottom as well which made me popular lolz. Teen straight boys love sucking a dick but don’t take to being screwed that easily so a lot of times it finished up as a 69er but with me it was different. OK if I was gonna be bottom I preferred older boys like 15,16 don’t ask why lolz. Yeh there were boys that were anti gay and a bit of name calling but that just rolled off our shoulders we were having fun.

People that have been here for sometime know that I’m a fan musicwise of 60’s up to 2000 and I’ve read about and heard about those decades. Gay was big in the 60’s especially late 60’s and like 70’s so many bands etc. came along it was good. I’ve said before Bowie made it cool to be gay about 1970 then came other bands and by late 70’s and into 80’s straight guys were getting into bi at least. In the 70’s there were tv soaps with gay characters, gay guys had their own shows, Frankie Howard, Russell Grant etc. it was cool to be gay I’m obviously talking UK here. Movie stars, Fashion wtv gays ruled. In USA the world gay capitals were San Francisco and New York. In UK gay became more in with the new romantics, the AIDS outbreak in 85 caused a hiccup but by the 90’s nobody gave a damn what you were everything was good as it is now.

Gays in those decades fought hard for the rights and the life we have now that’s why I could never deny what I am it would be like betraying them and dissing all the hard work they did. Thank you guys. I’ll tell you shackers there’s two words that can get you through life, yeh I know it’s cliché but “Think Positive” ditch all the negative crap it’s your life enjoy it. It may appear that I’ve had it easy I but for those that haven’t so can you if you re program your mind. There should be no confusion about being gay, you shouldn’t need to worry about it and you shouldn’t need to feel different.″ – Johnny

– ″i just always was….never thought anything different about me. never denied it, but never volunteered it″ – rickgayaz

– ″My Answer

I didn’t really fight it I just sorta avoided it. like if anyone asked me about girls i just shrugged and never answered. and i just avoided thinking about other boys. I guess that’s kinda the same as fighting it

I didn’t even really know much about what it meant to be gay, and by the time I did I don’t think anyone really cared. moving away from down south also helped a lot.″ – Nathan

– ″I have always just liked guys. From about age 5 to 13 I had a best friend who enjoyed playing naked with me. It wasn’t associated with (conscious) sexual thoughts at first. As I got a little older, maybe 11, I started getting him to lie naked on top of me, and told him what I desired. Alas, so interest, but I kept at it until we were about 13. Around age 10 I met identical twin boys 5 years younger. They were gorgeous, had British accents, and smelled wonderful. As they got a little older, we found we liked cuddling and caressing a lot. Usually in just shorts or swim trunks, face to face, and head-to-toe. Yummy! And there’s lots more more (boys and desires), but I’ll try to stay on-topic. I was about 13 when I first came to understand I was gay, and start to know what that label meant, other than it’s use as an insult. Yet, there was no denying that’s what I was. I had no sexual desire for girls. I had no one to talk to about it until college. Well, I did keep playing with my identical twins!! I felt more fear of the unknown, and lies people spread, than shame. Understand my desires was confusing then. I didn’t have a label for it, but knew I was exclusively a “bottom”. I started dating someone seriously ♥♥ in college, and we arranged to both “came out” to our parents the same day! Thankfully, both families were accepting.″ – Jon

– ″Ohh yes!

Although with hind sight there was no reason to. Growing up in the kind of family and social environment that I did, I believed it would not be accepted.
Now whether its because over time my family etc mellowed or moved with the times I don’t know but back then I was certain it would end very badly if anyone found out.
Also I didn’t want to be different so for many many years I sort of “ignored” it. Also being one who is good at controlling emotions or the display of them meant everyone just assumed i was a very private person and not that interested in relationships.

Sadly as time has gone by I have become too used to my own company etc so the opportunities are slim much to my Mum’s annoyance!
But the truth is, there is still even now, a part of me that thinks if Id just liked females, life would of been so much easier.″ – Dom

– ″In my case,

… I don’t remember when I started being curious with both sexes. I remember when I understood that I was… How do I say it? Label able, maybe ? But the first such label I knew wasn’t very nice, although, I’m not sure I realised it at the time. I was 8 years old and was talking on the phone with a cousin, I’m not sure what about. But at one point she said “pandeleiro”, a Portuguese word equivalent to “faggot”. So I asked what it meant, she explained what it was, and I thought to myself: “Oh? So, am I a pandeleiro ?” Hmm… Maybe I realized it wasn’t a nice word, since I didn’t ask her or anyone if I was.

Years passed by, and my curiosity about boys turned into sexual attraction, but I only had crushes on girls, though I was never just horny for them. I remember I crushed very hard on a Romanian girl, Mirabela, and she was the only girl I jerked off thinking about at the time, while I jerked off thinking about many different boys.

Then, when I was 14, I had my first real crush on a boy. He was a very cute blond Swiss boy with sparkling blue eyes. Arnaud, the boy’s name, was a real contrast to Mirabela, who had very long beautiful curly brown hair and soft hazel eyes. Anyway, we were on a ski camp, and there was a dance party that night. I didn’t wanna go, cause I frankly lacked the self-confidence to dance in front of people, specially after a guy mocked my dancing abilities, a few weeks back. And Mirabela wasn’t there anyway.

So I stayed in my room. But then Arnaud came looking for me. I already had noticed him for how cute he was of course. But also, for how incredibly nice he was, as well as cheerful. So I already found him very sweet, and there he was, giving me attention and asking me to go to the party. I was about to give in, when the teacher passed by and scolded him for trying “to force” me into going. So Arnaud left, while giving me a sad look, and the teacher gave me a complicit smile and I begrudgingly thanked him, while thinking : “Fuck you, you bald idiot!!” Lol

The day after, I found myself always looking for Arnaud and aching to just talk with him. And I realised I was crushing on him. That’s when I found out that not only could I feel sexual attraction to boys, but that I could also fall in love with them.

I never really denied my bisexuality, though I did try for awhile to invest more on my attraction to the opposite sex. Nowadays, I accept the idea of maybe finishing my life with a guy and that it’s even way more likely.″ – Akoplay

″The TLDR version: confusion.

When I was a teenager I liked girls. I think I also liked boys to a certain extent, but I didn’t really make the connection to “being gay”. I guess I didn’t worry about it then because liking boys didn’t really register as a preference. I was too preoccupied with figuring girls out (never got very far with that).

The turning point came in university. One of my closest friends from high school came out, and my world pivoted on its axis a little. Suddenly I knew someone who was gay. And I was becoming increasingly clear that while I liked girls, I also liked boys. Specifically teenage boys, which was more unsettling. At more or less the same time, the internet became a THING, and I discovered Usenet. It’s an all but forgotten corner of the internet now, but before Facebook and Snapchat and Instagram and MySpace, when websites were pretty basic, news groups were where people interacted.

And shared pictures.

The internet has ALWAYS been a porn delivery mechanism.

I discovered alt.binaries.pictures.teen-idols. Where people would upload image files as giant blocks of text. You’d download them (very very slowly, over 14.4k dial-up internet), then use another piece of software to turn the giant chunk of text into a picture. I downloaded Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Elijah Wood and Ed Furlong and random pictures of boys from some of the other newsgroups I found.

And I still hadn’t figured out what I was, or where I fit into things. I discovered the Nifty Archive and Dean Lidster’s Hanson stories. I read the first chapter of “New Kid in School” and then the second and the third, then the author wrote more stories and started a website, and I sent him an email message.

I fooled around with a friend, and felt guilty afterwards at least every other time. I had sort-of girlfriend, then I didn’t have a sort-of girlfriend. Lived overseas, came home.

I remember going to a gay nightclub with one of my friends (true story: no less than three of my closest friends from high school turned out to be gay). And I saw a boy there that I found amazingly cute and that was the first time I thought “Oh… the kind of boys I’m attracted to go to gay nightclubs too.”

I went back the next night to see if he was there. He was. I went up and said “Hi”, and it was one of the most terrifying things I’ve done in my life. And then I couldn’t think of a damn thing to say next. So frustrating.

Finally I got to the point where I admitted to myself. “This is not going away. This isn’t a phase.” I thought “I notice too many cute girls to be completely gay. And I notice too many cute guys to be completely straight. I guess I’m bisexual then.” I know Turtleboy and probably some others are on the “Why does everything need a label?” bandwagon. But for me, sticking a label on myself felt liberating. This is what is – I can stop worrying about it.

I’ve told a small group of my friends. And my father. Terrifying almost every time (I often chickened out and did it by email or text – easier than face to face). If I meet a guy that I want to have a public relationship with, I’d probably tell more people then… but I’m happy with the status quo for now.

Did I feel guilty about my attractions to boys? God yes. Not so much because they were guys, but because it was the younger teenagers I was most attracted to. I thought I might grow out of it, and start to like older guys. But I didn’t. It’s still the “boy-ish” guys I find hottest.

I actually admitted that to one of my close friends, and he didn’t judge me for it. And having one person not thinking I was a Daily Mail predator was a relief.″ – Cirrus

Published June 18, 2018