Cover image for Brandon Smiling, by MrM

April 13

So, like, I’ve been fussing about this card and this Marie thing since yesterday.

What am I gonna do? Do I have to ‘call her maybe’ and set a date for something? Good God that makes me nervous! I can literally feel my stomach tie itself into knots just thinking about it.

I’ve never called a girl on purpose before! Why would I? I really have very little interest in them at all. Most girls can get that, I figure, because most of them seem to ignore me entirely. That’s just fine by me. I don’t have to face them and deal with them then. I don’t know how guys who like girls ever manage to make a connection with them at all, it’s like some black voodoo magic spell. Something I really don’t have a clue about.

Perhaps if I just forget about it she’ll get the hint and stop with the cards and stuff. She’ll figure I’m not interested and leave it at that. No more staring contests at Church. No more glad handing by Mr. Wonderful and his band of merry un-gay men. I can be left alone just like I like and get on with my studies and my closet-case eyeballing of every cute boy within viewing range.

I can continue having my imaginary dates with Billy, my ‘secret boyfriend’. Though, honestly, his behavior lately has been strange and I get this really bitter feeling when I see it. He’s been kind of following that Simon kid around a lot. I don’t even think he knows he’s doing it.

Eventually they pair off and start joking around, but there’s a strange attention that Billy gives Simon when they talk that is like…more than it should be. Is this confirmation that Billy likes boys? He seems to like Simon very much and in a way that he doesn’t seem to like his big blond headed buddy. Sam, I think his name is if I remember correctly.

It’s weird because Sam is adorable, really. Simon is cute too, I suppose, in that nerdy kind of na├»ve way. I don’t think Billy is reading Simon at all well if there is any interest there on Billy’s part. But…that could be this bitterness I’m having.

Why would I be jealous? Billy has hardly talked to me and his staring sessions with me are starting to get a little weird!

But…I’ll probably be very sad if Billy is gay and he wants to have a relationship with Simon. To know he’s gay and not be able to do anything about it because he’s hooked up with another boy is a very strange situation to be in.

Maybe strange isn’t the word. Maybe miserable is a better one.

I WANT Billy! I want him and I don’t want to share him with anyone! I covet his time with others. I want to be Sam. I want to be Simon! I want Billy to only have eyes for me!

I want Billy to have the same eyes for me…that I have for him.

Yet…I can see that this is becoming an obsession on my part. The more time I have in contact with Billy the more of him I want. It gets stronger and stronger every time I see him.

Billy GLOWS, you know? When the sun hits him just right that golden hair just sparkles! He is beautiful. God, he is so beautiful it makes me ache inside when I see him. It isn’t even that I’m just turned on, which I am and which is why I have taken to wearing longer jackets lately, it’s that I ache to be with him. To hear his voice! To smell his underarm deodorant. To smell the shampoo he uses in that golden hair.

I want to swim in those hot chocolate eyes of his!

Oh lord…I just read what I just wrote up there and I really do sound like a weirdo serial killer stalker right out of Criminal Minds! Where did this passion come from? It was kindled the first day I saw him and it’s only gotten stronger!

If only I could have these feelings for Marie like I should have. She is every bit as beautiful in her way as Billy is in his. She is the catch of the century! Beautiful, kind, thoughtful, romantic, courageous, and she likes me. She likes me so much she stalks me in the park! That beauty stalks ME! Stupid old lanky me.

Just like I stalk Billy.

Yet, sometimes, lately when I see him I pretend I don’t. It’s gotten worse after Joe. I have the shame factor of that now on top of the raging hormones, stomach butterflies, sweaty palms, irrational jealousy, etc. It’s just overwhelming and I shut down. Billy shorts me out sometimes! Like a bad circuit board!

It’s so bizarre. I’m like so happy to see him in the morning that I’ll have the guff to say hi or smile and acknowledge his existence pleasantly. But, as the day wears on and my defenses rise I start with the ‘shutdown sequence’. It’s all too much for my poor little peanut sized brain to handle.

I wish I wasn’t crazy. I wish I was normal like Jamie is. He has such confidence. It’s one of the things that makes him so attractive. Sure, he’s handsome as hell, but he’s also self-assured and that just lights up his bulb extra bright. That must be the greatest feeling in the world. To honestly like yourself enough to just be who you are and let yourself just shine. Jamie is an inspiration and he also has the biggest bunch of jerks for friends a boy could ever have.

Oh well, Jamie is himself and I am who I am and what I am is not self-assured or shiny. I’m anything but, that’s for sure. Maybe that’s one of the reasons Billy attracts me so much. I forget about myself entirely and bask in his radiance. He brings me joy and then I don’t care about any of the negatives that beat on me day in and day out.

Billy makes me smile! He makes me happy!

Wow…I’m all over the place tonight. I must need to catch some z’s. I’m wondering, though, if before I go to bed if I should call Marie up and make plans for lunch or whatever. At least I can get that out of the way. I can do this and then not have to worry about it anymore. I’m sure after one half-hearted and awkward lunch with me Marie will fly to other shores better suited for her majesty.

Wow…that was poetic! Fly to other shores….I feel a poem coming on! Hehehehe!

God I am Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde today. I’m totally smeared all over the wall like exploded ketchup.

This is Brandon…smeared on the wall.

April 14

Often you pass me

By park and by lawn

To look and find me

This side of cool dawn

Hair of fine spun gold

Eyes bright with desire

What word has been sold

To light this hot fire?

Do you not quite know

Who it is you chase?

A dull lump of dough

Who shows not his face

A boy who is nothing

A boy who is scared

A boy who is hiding

A boy undeclared

A name like Mary

Queen of the heavens

You should not tarry

Under my bastions

Go you away hence

To another shore

To a boy with sense

And not such a bore

Hehehehe. Not too bad. Not too GOOD, but not too bad. Maybe I’ll make it into a card. I think it’s probably the nicest rejection letter anyone will ever get. Maybe I’ll even draw a wilted rose or something depressing like that on it!

I won’t have the guts to ever give Marie this, but it helps to put it down in verses. I like to write poetry. I haven’t bothered to put much of it in here because most of it is so silly I delete it as soon as I write it. Hehehehe. Some I keep though. I put the ‘Touch’ one up earlier in this blog just ’cause it’s pretty. Even I think it’s pretty and usually I think what I write sucks donkey balls.

I did call Marie this afternoon to make a ‘date’. Naturally her stupid brother picks up and has to make goofy lovey dovey sounds at his little sister as soon as I announce myself. I was so freaking nervous I nearly had to change my underwear. It was a wonder the phone didn’t just squirt right out of my hand with all the flop sweat I was producing. God help me I’m such an incredible WUSS!

To her credit, I hear a sharp smack on the other end of the phone and a loud ‘Owch!’ from Mr. Beautiful. I also hear a sharp ‘shut the HELL up’ from Marie. HA! I wish I could love this girl, she is the whole package. Beauty, charm, and now…spunk!

When she came on with a sweetly expectant ‘Hello!?’ I nearly choked up and slammed the phone down. But, from somewhere weird in my stomach, a stuttering answer came and I managed to ask her to lunch on Saturday. Just lunch at the mall in the food court, nothing crazy.

She sounded delighted. Why that made me feel worse about the situation is still bothering me. This whole thing is wrong. It will lead in all the wrong directions. It’s almost like something is pushing my square peg into the round hole. Boy…does that sound perverted! Maybe I should just go with it. Maybe this is God’s way of guiding me out of my Gay delusions. Marie will enchant me and she will bend me straight again.

Maybe ‘Marie, Queen of the Angels’ will be my salvation from this evil. I’ll be able to have a normal relationship with a beautiful girl. We’ll have lunches, and movies and….um…kiss.

Oooo. That…makes my skin crawl. Oh lord it’s no use. I just can’t feel that way for Marie. It just won’t COME! Her fantasy always morphs into Billy. Always. Unless it’s Joe then it’s him kissing me, feeling me up, getting me off explosively. I never, ever, dream of girls when I’m in bed. It just never happens.

I’ll always be bent.

Here’s proof: today, Billy and I got to sit and talk together, I mean REALLY talk. Those 20 minutes were the best I’ve had since the Christmas before my mom died. I could spend 20 days with Marie and not get the same joy out of it that I got from Billy today.

Oh Jesus, he is soooo CUTE! He’s even cuter when he’s talking to you. You have NO idea! When he gets going it’s just this non-stop fountain of thoughts and plans and dreams and more plans and stuff he did last week…on and on. It’s hard to get a word in edgewise…but I don’t care, just sitting and listening to him rattle on is pure honey on my biscuit. I credit my Uncle for that little turn of a phrase…Hehehehe!

He’d go on about what Sam and he discussed about this game or that class or what Sam’s mom was going to do to him when she discovers he’s flunking geometry. Honestly, I could have stepped in here. I’m getting a solid A in that class and Mr. Webber teaches all the geometry classes in the school so Sam must have him too. I’m sure Sam thinks Mr. Webber is just being mean to him, but I know my favorite teacher and he rewards those who try! I could help Sam! I really could.

Uh oh…now I’m a Teacher’s Pet! Screw Sam…let him flunk. Hehehehe!

It seems that Billy hates the science class we’re taking together about as much as I do. He’s right to not like that class. The teacher is a total doofus. He never explains anything and when he’s done blathering about God knows what he then expects us to read the book and answer discussion questions. There aren’t even any real labs or anything. If anything it ends up being another math class but with a teacher that doesn’t know how to teach math at all. I’ll probably pull a B in that class. Billy hopes to squeak by with a C or C-. I’m glad my dad isn’t his dad too…that would NOT fly in my house!

I get the impression Billy doesn’t like most the classes he’s in. It’s like they get in the way of other important things for him. I had to chuckle when he told me he liked one class in particular for some reason he wouldn’t talk about with me. Hmmmm. Mr. Secret Secret. I’ll have to pry it out of him sooner or later.

Um…not really sure but I THINK I caught Billy checking out my butt today. His eyes were lingering on my posterior a bit longer than just a glance. Long enough for me to catch him and him not know it. Wow…that gives me chills but in a good way!

Does he like my butt? Does he think I’m sexy? Does this mean he’s really gay too? One can hope! Sometimes I blush when Billy looks at me. His eyes linger when he looks at me and his long stories go silent for a few moments too! He studies my eyes and my face and my hair. It makes me nervous but in a very good way.

I shouldn’t get my hopes up. That might just be Billy’s way. He isn’t your average Joe (I TOTALLY didn’t mean JOEseph…or did I?). He might just be attentive in that special cute way he is. Maybe he’s this way with everybody. Yeah…I seem to remember seeing him paying rapt attention to Sam every time they’re together.

Yeah…it’s just Billy’s way. He doesn’t like me in any particular way, he just seems to like me as a friend. That’s ok, I guess. I rather have him as a friend than a stranger, I suppose. But, I’d much rather have him as my boy toy. My own little Ken doll. I don’t think he’s managed to catch me watching his scrumptious bottom dance in his jeans yet. He isn’t self-conscious about it like I am likely to become now. Watch, I’ll be nervous to get up or turn around with him near. I CERTAINLY won’t bend over…or will I? Hehehehe!

I’ve been noticing Jimmy LaPlane skulking around dark corners of the school lately. He really acts like a hunted fox in this school. I feel so badly for him. I really do. He so reminds me of me when I was getting bullied before I had some combat training. I worry about him. I don’t know what’s going to happen but any kid running that scared has to have a reason…and seeing what those fucking apes in the Gym used to do to him he has every right to be scared.

I wish I could help more. I wish the useless mother-effers would step in and try to get Jimmy transferred to a ‘school for gifted youngsters.’ But, they won’t. They’ll see him dead first. If I ever get the chance I’m going to take Jimmy to meet my Sensei and see if he can teach Jimmy a thing or two.

Well…I’m tired and I have a ‘date’ with a girl to plan. Lord help me! This is going to be such a mess!!

This is Brandon…making messes!

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