April 18

I got a call from Marie last night.

It was very awkward and I’m already super awkward talking to her anyway. She wasn’t accusatory or anything, but she did sound concerned.

I guess the Jamie thing got back home to her. Wow! Did I really affect him that much yesterday afternoon? I didn’t think it was possible for me to have anyone think anything about what I say or do!

So, Marie is all like: “I guess…um…you and Jamie had a ‘talk’ yesterday. I guess…probably about me….and you.” She sounded shy and vulnerable on the phone.

A deep feeling in me wanted to reach through the phone and hug her and tell her everything was going to be alright. Was I finally ‘straightening’ out?

“Yeah…we talked a bit after practicing basketball. I guess it got a little heated. It didn’t have anything to do with you at all, though, Marie. Honest!” I let her know.

“I kind of got that, but Jamie is acting really weird. What did you guys talk about?” Marie asked.

“Oh…I dunno. I guess we talked about his friends.” I really didn’t want to bring Marie into this. She shouldn’t have to be a part of this crap. She’ll get enough of it when she graduates and comes to this High School. That makes me kind of sad, really.

“What…about his friends?” Marie is good at getting around my defences. I can’t seem to hide anything from her!

I sighed a long sigh and she cleared her throat obviously on to the fact that something was weighing on me and it concerned her brother kind of….big time.

“His friends are, uh, kind of bullies, Marie. They hurt people! No one does anything about it either probably because Mom and Dad are important or because they are big jocks getting prestige for the school. I don’t know. It’s just…I have a hard time with that, that’s all.” I felt like I was fumbling over my words and not making much sense.

“Oh yeah…I know exactly what you mean. You know they come over here, right? Jamie, being who he is, is always having parties and things. His ‘posse’ always shows up for them and for other things. He has me go to a sleepover at a friend’s house so that, well, I don’t get messed with.” Marie said in a low voice.

“Wow! Even you aren’t safe? Why does Jamie put up with it? He should stand up for his own family at a least!” I was kind of shocked by that! Maybe…Jamie isn’t so ‘nice’ after all.

“Well…I suppose it’s hard to understand if you are somebody that isn’t in Jamie’s position, but he needs those guys so he’ll stay popular. He thinks he’s only popular because he’s part of the football team and the team does everything together.” Marie explains. It does make sense from a certain point of view.

But, it seemed a little too self-serving for my taste. That’s a heavy price to pay for popularity. I mean, putting up with a crew that would even molest his own sister? Jamie wasn’t as respected as I thought he was. He’s…like trapped, I guess.

It’s then that I heard something on the other side of Marie’s line. It was Jamie!

I heard something muffled about ‘Whozzat?’ Then something else about ‘Brandon? Oh…why are you talking to HIM for?’ That kind of hurt. Did Jamie already forget all about Marie wanting to date me and stuff?

Marie, per usual, more than held her own against her brother, but I REALLY didn’t want to be the cause of a family argument at this point.

“Marie, um…I better go. Thanks for talking to me.” I said rather disappointedly.

“Wait…Brandon? Don’t hang…tsk! JAMIE YOU ARE BEING AN ASSHOLE! KNOCK IT OFF!” Marie just blasted Jamie with both barrels! I had to cover the receiver so no one could hear me lose it laughing.

Then I heard another voice. It must have been their dad wanting to know what all the ‘hubbub’ was all about. Hubbub?

I heard muffled explanations that started to get a little loud and then Marie came back on.

“I’m so sorry, Brandon, Sweetie. We’ll talk more tomorrow. I’m looking forward to the weekend. It will be so nice to get away from…CERTAIN PEOPLE for a while!” Marie snarled a bit at Jamie behind her seemingly.

Ahhhh….she is such a firecracker. If only I could feel…It for her. But It…just isn’t there.

Well, anyways, other things…

I saw Billy today but it wasn’t as cool as usual. There seemed to be a dullness there on Billy’s part. A sparkle that just wasn’t there when he looked at me today.

We talked and he was cute and that just made me kind of gush on him a little too much. By gush, I mean agree with him on everything and tell him how good he is at things and how he looks better than he think he does. Maybe I was a little too obvious today.

It probably scared him and he’s backed off from me. Awwww….

First Jamie and now Billy.

I just seem to be losing people all over the place these days!

Everyone but Marie seems to be losing interest in or getting angry at Brandon. Maybe this is the thing. Maybe this is the pointer saying not him…HER! That’s what’s right for me.

I just wish that this was more of an emotional thing than a mental thing. To me, Marie is a friend…and only that.

For Billy…I am afraid it’s much much more. I just don’t know what to do with these feelings if he doesn’t feel the same way about me.

It hurts, you know?

Well…I’ve got myself crying like the little bitch boy I am. I better sign off before I need to be sedated.

This is Brandon…needing a sedative

April 19

Well…yesterday was like absolutely nothing went on at all. A typical day of get up, eat breakfast, go to school, come home, eat dinner, do homework, kill a bunch of Bornean Bears to farm shin bones or something in my game, and then finally sleep.

No one even came online to talk to or play with so I was like playing alone last night. That sometimes feels even more lonely then when you are just alone in your room reading a book. It’s like double-alone…I don’t suppose that makes any sense to anyone who hasn’t played one of these so called Massively Multiplay Online Roll Playing Games (MMORPGs). Oh lord! I’m starting to put acronyms in parentheses! OMG! I’m starting to use words like ‘acronym’! 😮

I’m going to nerdsville, aren’t I? Oh Lawdie Hep Me!

Anyways, today was a little more eventful, I guess. We had a fire drill which is always organized chaos as far as I’m concerned. Like anyone is actually going to do this stuff if a real fire started. Yeah right…I know I’d be running for the fence on the far side of the school to jump over it and get gone! To HELL with the front door! We’d all be cooked alive before we all got through that stupid thing! Oh well…there’s the genius of our School Administration again. So stupid!

I’m glad it wasn’t anything really scary because the way we were all pressed up against one another would have been a great opportunity for a soccer stadium style massacre! We’d all smash or trample each other to absolute jelly trying to get out in an ‘orderly fashion’. Oy vey!

Cedrick told me once about something that went on in England years ago and they still talk about it like it was yesterday. I’ve even watched the crazy YouTube of it. There was this guff at some soccer (football – oh lawdie here I go again with the parens!) game and basically a riot started, I guess.

So all the stupid fans wanted to rush the field and I guess, well, KILL the referees or whoever for some dumb flag dropped for no reason and so the Apocalypse basically happened. People falling out of the bleachers and masses of people shoving other masses of people into the chain link fence that separated the crazies from the soccer players. Some of the poor people smashed up against the chain link were turned into red jelly.

Blood, fire, death, mayhem, I guess the new Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, all had a showing on that day long ago in that soccer stadium. Hence…(oh gawd now I’m writing ‘Hence’ in things – in parens yet) Soccer Stadium Massacre.

Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, the Brits are way more serious about their sports than we are over here in the States! WAY more!

So today’s fire drill: soccer stadiums, jelly, fires, pushing and…boobs in my back.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I had boobs in my back and I mean they were pushed in there pretty dang hard too! What is more is I had boobs in my back and hands on my butt. What is worse is that I was pressed up against a guy who was just a little shorter than me with dark brown hair and…a really nice bubble butt of his own. He also had the prettiest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. This was not good!

My Umpher rose to the occasion. ‘Oh no it di’int’ you say? Oh yes it DID…er….big time, hehehehe!

It was being pressed into his backside by hands on my backside. I was a total Brandon Sandwich…bisexual style! Naturally, much to my horror and embarrassment, my umpher umphed itself right into the poor guy’s ass crack when some ape from the back pushed us all forward to get through the stupid door faster!

Fortunately the little guy just sort of looked up at me with those pretty eyes and grinned shyly and shrugged. I mouthed ‘sorry’ at him and he just blushed and then we were out the door and everything was forgotten.

I tried looking around to see who my ‘boobifier’ was, but she was gone into the sea of other giggling teen girls straying over to the ‘meet-up” place, more or less.

Looking around a bit more I caught sight of Billy right behind Jamie. Jamie was oblivious as usual, but Billy was…wow he looked stoned, dude! He kept looking at Jamie’s back and hair and…butt and just totally mooning over the jerk. I mean…whatever Billy. If you only knew…

He tried to nonchalantly wander away from Jamie like he didn’t care or anything, but with all those long lingering looks he really looked like he was having hero worship issues with Jamie.


Wow! Wow!! Could it be? Could it really be? Billy….likes Jamie! Yeah…in THAT way. Also, as I remember, Billy has given ME those same lingering kinds of looks too. Maybe not so intense, but…maybe!

Ok, I’ll come right out and put it down for you, Nameless Hacker! Maybe Billy Chase is Gay like me! Oh precious Baby Jesus I hope so! I just realized this writing it here!

I swear I can be dense as granite sometimes. How could I NOT see this in Billy? Now that I look back on all our interactions it’s blatantly obvious! (Blatantly?) The staring matches and the cute little conversations we’ve had in the library.

If he’s Gay I wish he’d just come out and ask me if I am too. Wow…right. That’s dumber than Hell. No teen boy in his right mind would cop to that out of the blue. I know I certainly wouldn’t. But….~sigh~ I wish he would be the courageous one here. I wish he’d probe me a little deeper to see what makes me tick where he’s concerned.

Wow…probe me a little deeper? Hehehehe! I had to go giggle into my pillow over that one. That was too funny!

I’m turning into a TOTAL perv where Billy is concerned. He just makes me feel all like jello inside sometimes. I wish that I didn’t care about him so much and want him so much. I don’t know him well enough to know who he is really. I get little windows into his mind and his life when we talk, but our talks are so brief.

I mean I could talk to Billy for hours and never get bored at all with him. He fascinates me, you know? He just DOES! Every little thing he does is magic and it scares me how much he plays on my thoughts all the time.

I don’t like getting attached to people like this and letting hopes for things build where I know they probably have no footing at all to rest on. I know I’m probably setting myself up for some real heartache, but…I just can’t help it.

I’ve become obsessed with him! The highlight of my day is when he and I are in the Library together just chit chatting and giggling and trying not to get in trouble with that bitch Librarian.

Ever since the first day I laid eyes on him…Billy has been the sunshine that lights up my night.

Uh oh…I feel another poem coming on! A nice sappy one that Justin Bieber could ruin and turn into another horrible song! Hehehehe!

This is Brandon…obsessed!

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