April 19

Oh my friggin’ God I’m going out of my mind today!

Tomorrow I’ve got to take Marie out and I…have no idea what I’m doing! I’m SO nervous! I was so nervous I could hardly hold my juice glass this morning at breakfast.

My Dad was all weirded out by me, too. He asked: “Why do you look like you’re a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, Bran?” He had to chuckle a bit. I suppose I must have been entertaining for him.

Jerk! I mean that with all due respect, of course.

I told him about my date tomorrow and he was like shocked, overjoyed, annoyed, and relieved all at once. I never knew an old guy my dad’s age had enough energy to go through every emotion a person can have at once! It was kind of fascinating to watch, actually.

After he got over the shock that his dear baby son managed to hook up with a hot date he wanted to know what I was so worried about.

For once, I was having a normal conversation with my Dad about a normal relationship with a girl! It felt…so good to be open about things, you know? It felt so GOOD to be…normal!

Too bad I’m not normal.

But, that said, it was good to pretend for a while. Plus, my Dad gave me some excellent advice for tomorrow. He didn’t even bring up chastity and keeping it in my pants and that crap. I don’t give my Dad enough credit. I forget how sensitive he is to these things. He never pushes the sex stuff down my throat like my Mama did. I guess it’s because he remembers what it was like being a boy too. Mom never had that problem.

Hehehehe…’pushes the sex stuff down my throat’ just sounded SO wrong when I read it back to myself! What a perv I am!

Anyways, so I wondered what I should do when I would meet Marie. I asked him how should I act and stuff. He got all wide eyed and I remembered I’d forgotten to tell him who I was going on a date with.

“NICE, Brandon! She is a catch in a half! I wondered if you two would hit it off sooner or later. My God, I’ve been watching her give you the googlie eyes for nearly two years now!” He then chuckled “And…I saw how each time she gave you that ‘Fever’!” He winked at me and I kind of put my hand over my mouth and giggled.

“I thought I fooled you about that.” I said.

“Oh my boy, you REALLY don’t give your old man any credit…hahahaha!” He had me there. I always forget that he was my age once and, according to Mama, I inherited his temperament. It’s like hiding from yourself…you can’t hide certain things from your Dad.

But then again….

So he goes on: “Well, I bet you Marie brought up this date in the first place, didn’t she?” I nodded.

“Which kind of means you are her date rather than she being yours. That may sound silly, but it really means something. It means that she is sort of driving this car tomorrow. You might need to take the passenger seat.”

I scratched my head. I had never thought of it that way before. I, had naturally, always thought it was the boy that had to make all the decisions about what to do and where to go and stuff…and pay for it. Mama said so.

“I see your Mom running around behind those hazel eyes, Kiddo. She had a lot of old fashioned ideas that, basically, she never followed once! Hahahaha!” My Dad surprised me with that one!

“She picked me up on our first date. I didn’t have a car. I was a jarhead Marine with bus money and not much else. She wanted to go out with me so she made it happen.” My Dad sat back and reminisced fondly. He had a smile on his face that brought one to mine!

“My outfit didn’t make fun of that either. They ALL had to get picked up by their girlfriends. So much for The Few and The Proud!” He shook his head and grinned as he hung his head down…remembering.

“Heh…she had to buy our burgers for us for our date. We went to the beach after that….it was one of the most romantic evenings we ever shared! Our very first one! Oceanside, CA is beautiful in August.” My Dad’s voice got a little gargley…like he had something in his throat.

“Uh-hem So! Basically, Bran, just show up. I promise you, she’ll have it all planned out to the T. So don’t sweat it! Just enjoy it!” He stood up and patted my shoulder as he went to go sit in front of the TV.

Could it really be that simple? Just show up? Just show up and be myself? That sounds way too easy somehow. There has to be a catch. There is always a catch. There is always a catch and it’s always my luck to get caught on that catch.

But, really, what else can I do? I really don’t know any more about what’s going to happen tomorrow except that I’m going to go to the mall with Marie or meet her there or whatever. She left everything else open and didn’t seem to care if I made plans or not for us.

~sigh~ She just wants to…be with me, I guess. It doesn’t matter what we do.

This is so WEIRD!!

Why do I feel so uncomfortable and weirded out by this whole thing? It’s so…natural, you know? But, it feels wrong somehow in a way I just can’t place. It’s going to be artificial.

That’s the word…artificial!

I’m going to have to pretend through this whole thing because Marie is going to look for me liking her. She’s going to wonder if I’m going to kiss her or make a pass or something. She’s going to be disappointed no matter what because if I don’t, she’ll wonder what’s wrong with her. If I do it’s going to be forced and she’ll wonder what’s wrong with me. Damned either way!

She’ll know what I am then. I won’t be able to cover my shadow anymore. Just one kiss, and she’ll know I’m Gay!

Then the whole school, town, and worse…my Dad will know.

Why did I agree to go through with this?

This is going to be a nightmare!

This is Brandon…still scared out of his wits!

April 20

You know what?

Today was AWESOME! 😀

I had so much fun with Marie today I couldn’t believe it! If she isn’t my girlfriend then she’ll definitely be my friend who is a girl! Hehehehe. She’s just…~sigh~…so cool.

I can’t say I’m in love because that doesn’t really sound right. It’s not love I have, but it’s more than fondness. She’s definitely a friend! A friend I have more in common with than I ever though I would with a girl! It’s kind of funny, but she and I like the same kind of things.

For instance, she loves gaming! Can you believe it? A girl that likes video games! I never thought such a creature existed on the face of the earth! Not only does she love gaming, she’s sick at it! I mean SICK! She beat the pants off of me in Mortal Combat like…each frigging time! I used to think I was good…but nu-uh! Marie is a beast in that game! We played it at the Gargoyle Lounge, a place I didn’t even know about until Marie took me there and made me go inside. I’d walked past it a billion times and never knew what it was all about. I thought it was just another Starbucks rip off, but it’s actually a coffee house/computer den/arcade thingie. SO cool, dude! I think I might get seriously addicted to this place if I’m not careful.

I saw they were having a group match or a instance raid going on in one of the newer online roll player games. They were a group of guys in a circle with their own laptops hooked into the network. it’s weird to see physical people arguing like they do in the voice chat in the game. They are actually nicer to each other when they are face to face, or pretty much anyways. So, Awesome! We rented ours at the counter and just plugged in and played! So Cool!

I think Marie and I spent most of our time in the Gargoyle Lounge. She even bought me a mocha and I bought her a brownie. That was lunch! Hehehehe!

We went shopping later. She was impressed by my shopping skills. She said she’d never seen a boy that knew how to dress so well! I guess I do make a good fashion director. She was mostly making me try on things so she could ‘check me out’. I think she wanted to come into the dressing room with me. LOL. I wouldn’t let that happen. That would have been just a little too personal.

We didn’t buy anything because we blew our cash on our gaming. That’s also where our movie money went, but who cares! Gaming is better than movies any day of the week!

We did have enough left for a couple of hot dogs on a stick. Those are good, though I try to eat them from the side. I once tried to eat one straight on and got razzed by some guys over at the next table over because it looked like…well. I looked like I was doing something naughty, K? I wasn’t but…I guess it does look a bit like that sometimes. Pervs, I swear!

My Dad had been right about things. Marie sort of led me around and showed me things she liked to see and do at the Mall at first. Then she wanted me to show her where I liked to go. I think she liked Spencer’s most because it has such perverted stuff in there it just cracks me up to see it all. She liked the…um…dildo section best, i think. This is where things did get a little weird for us. There was this one, um, dildo that was supposed to be made from a porn star model. I was like, kind of looking at it really hard…hard being the optimal word here.

The thing was 10″! How can they get that big and still fit in somebody’s pants I have absolutely no idea. But, anyway, I was looking at it and getting kind of turned on and it was then that Marie kissed me on my cheek and tucked her hand in my back pocket, cupping my rump with her hand. Then she giggled at me.

“Comparing notes?” She said kind of…sexy-like.

I fumbled over words and made noises that I think were English, but I can’t be certain of that. This made her laugh a bubbly laugh she hadn’t used before. She kissed me again on the cheek while at the same time giving my other cheek a little squeeze.

You know what…that made me hot! I almost turned to kiss her on the lips when…the stupid manager of the store interrupted us!

“What are you two doing in here? Don’t you kids ever read? The sign says ‘No one under 18 allowed’. You want me to get shut down by the County? Scram!” We both kind of snorted and giggled in a really silly way and then scuttled out of the store. When we were free of the place we both broke down laughing our asses off! I swear it was the most fun I’d had in ages!

So after a good long day of just plain fun, Marie’s dad picks us both back up at the front door of Macy’s. He’d brought us both to the Mall earlier in the day. I thought I’d have to take the bus per usual, but when I went out to walk to the bus stop the Crosses were just pulling up. Marie yelled at me to get in. She looked so excited and, you know…I was too! My nervousness lessened when I saw that she was so happy to see me. Even Mr. Cross was happy to see me! He gave me a hearty handshake and a big toothy smile!

He said, “Well! Looks like we finally got you to go somewhere, Kiddo! Marie’s been after that for a better part of a year now! Hehehehe!” I blushed a bit but smiled and Marie got a kind of mortified expression.

Marie kind of smacked her dad lightly on his thigh and said, “Daaaad! Stoooop!” She then giggled and winked at me. That made me feel.,..um…tingly?

I haven’t had too many friends in my life and JOEseph was…different with me. There was always the tension that I knew was there but could never admit to. Not until the shower thing anyways. But, Marie was glad to see me and, except for a few awkward moments on my part, there was no tension.

Today felt more like when I was in Second Grade and I’d play with some of the girls at hopscotch. No judgement that I like to play with them, but a certain specialness that I was a boy who could play with girls as girls play. The girls then appreciated that. The boys didn’t, but the girls did. Today I felt Marie appreciated me for just being Brandon, not being somebody she felt like she needed to impress or anything.

I wonder if my fondness for her will grow into something more with time. Perhaps this was the best thing for me. Maybe I needed Marie all along to guide me back from ‘Gayness’ to a more normal way of being. It is interesting that I met her at Church and that (dildos aside) we had a very ‘pure’ date. A date two teenagers should have. Friends first and then…maybe more, but done in a spirit of fun and companionship. No heavy heart sick love feelings. No fireworks or blown speakers. Just…friends that could love each other! A true Girl Friend.

I don’t know but I cross my fingers that this may be the way out for me. I realized today that I really wish I didn’t have to be Gay. It is very hard to be that way. No straight guy could understand, I don’t think. The secrecy, the shame, the self-loathing…the fear: these things just pile up when you convince yourself that you are Gay. It is such a hard position to be in.

To want to love someone of your own sex, but not be able to. That is so painful, you know? Better to be straight so that the rest of the world can celebrate your relationships rather than be disgusted by them.

Better to ‘straighten up and fly right’ and try for something more wholesome, natural and pure. A real relationship that could go somewhere with a girl that might become the High School sweetheart that later becomes the wife and mother of your kids.

Ew….kids? Maybe…eventually. Hehehehe!

Am I more confused than I was before? Probably. Am I certain that this is the right way to go? Almost certainly.

I’m coming to understand why the Church calls being Gay ‘disordered’. It really is, in a way. I can’t see any future in it except some cheap thrills and a lifetime of fear, confusion, and regret. You can’t build a life on being Gay. Being Gay seems more like something you survive rather than a way of living. it’s like having a disease or a handicap!

Marie may be my cure for this ‘disorder’. She may be the angel sent from Heaven to guide me ‘home’. Wouldn’t it be lovely if I could bring her home to my Dad and proudly ask him to meet my beautiful girlfriend? He’d be so happy! He’s already happy! I bet he’s getting the wedding planned already! Hehehe!

Wouldn’t it be lover-ly!

Oh great…now I have My Fair Lady, a SHOWTUNE, going through my head. Marie’s got her work cut out for her, I swear!

I guess I’ll go to sleep now and see if I can dream nicely erotic dreams about Marie! It might be a bit of a nasty thing to do to her, but…it would sort of cinch the deal on my Gayness. I’d be cured if I could have a wet dream about a girl for a change!

Sorry Marie…or maybe not so sorry. You did kind of…squeeze my behind today. ~wink~

This is Brandon … (deleted)

~~~ (handwritten)

Later In The Night

I just woke up, you know? I just kind of needed to write this down now rather than wait till tomorrow. I’ll key it into my private blog later.

I feel all sweaty. I just had a wet dream and I’m still shivering from it. I still feel the tingles. I must have cum so hard it woke me up out of a dead sleep. My sheets underneath me were all wet. I’d been sleeping on my stomach so I guess my Umpher had me humping the bed and then I made this mess. How icky and annoying! I’ll have to cover up the mess so I can sleep, I suppose. I don’t want to remake the bed because that will just wake my Dad up. He’s tired enough these days and I don’t want to have to answer uncomfortable questions about my nocturnal emissions.

It’s weird that I feel the need to write this all out now when I haven’t even cleaned up yet. I’m not even wearing my pyjama bottoms or underwear at the moment. I hadn’t been when I was asleep. I’ve taken to sleeping nude except for my shirt because I get hot at night. That’s hot as in hot not hot as in hawt, if that makes any sense. I tend to run hot anymore as well as hawt more often than I wish I did.

I’m…uh…avoiding the topic, aren’t I? So…Ok.

So, yeah. I had this wet dream here and it was like molten hawt…and the spelling is correct this time. It was hawt hot. I still have parts of it in my mind even though the dream is starting to fade, I don’t think all of it will ever fade entirely. A couple of parts, especially the parts just before I woke up, I think I’ll take with me to my grave! I’m getting tingly again just thinking about it.

But…it’s not what you think. Or maybe it is what you think. How would I know what you think? I hardly know you! 😛

So, like, it wasn’t about Marie at all, ok? So there’s that. I can throw out all my ideas about what I was thinking about…well, I guess it was yesterday because it’s something-AM right now. isn’t it? It’s kind of a shame too because Marie and I had such a spectacular time and she did all the right things and made all the right moves and even some that I never thought girls were supposed to initiate. it’s just that, you know…she wasn’t even in the dream at all!

But Billy was….

Oh BOY, was he ever in that dream! OMG! Every succulent inch of him was there. I could almost TASTE him, you know? I could almost smell him, though you can’t really smell things in dreams which is weird.

I could feel him though…oh my! He was on top of me and we were naked and front to front and kind of rolling around. He was totally grinding his junk into my junk and it kept getting hotter and hotter! We were kissing so hard it almost hurt! I could feel his tongue in my mouth moving around in there in time with his rolling hips. I had my hands on his fine soft bare ass, squeezing and massaging it, trying to push us together harder somehow! I must have been squeezing pillows at that point, because I can distinctly remember feeling something real in my hands as I dreamt of Billy’s delicious Gluteus Maximus in my kneading fingers!

When he started to pump me and rub his hardness against mine with more friction I think that’s when I had started to go over the edge. I could feel my passion rising…but Billy didn’t stop there! Oh NO he di’in’t!

He totally did! He went down on me…

When I felt his hot and wet dream mouth close over my over sensitive dream hardness, I went totally over the edge. In my dream I squealed this high pitched sound as I felt my hips rise up and then felt myself swell up and explode in Billy’s willing mouth! The incredible hot sugary pulses of my orgasm sent lightning through my whole body and it seemed like every muscle spasmed just like I was being shocked by an electric eel! I could hear my outstretched dream legs and my bunched up dream toes pop and crackle as every tendon stood on end.

It’s at that point I woke up to my sheets a mess and my breath panting hard into my pillows. I also seemed to have been gnawing on the poor things too. My stuffed Tigger was safe though. At least I didn’t bite him!


But at the same time ~sigh~. I sigh because my ‘way out’ of Gayness didn’t seem to work. Marie was not in my sexy dream anywhere. It was Billy and ONLY Billy who was there and satisfying my needs perfectly. Cinderella sang about a dream being a wish the heart makes when you’re fast asleep. I dreamt only of Billy and he is the one that my heart wishes for.

I suppose…I should just accept who and what I am and just be Gay Brandon. I should abandon all hope of ever being normal because even with all the right moves, a girl just can’t get me going like a boy can and not just any boy. It has to be Billy Chase!

He is the one I want. Oh…but how will I ever get him to want me in the same way? How…?

This is Brandon….Dreaming and Wishing.

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