April 22

I almost didn’t go to school today because I got so caught up with what was going on TV!

Something weird is happening to ships in the ocean and no one knows what is causing it or why! I was turned on to it because my Dad was watching and making phone calls as he did. He looked like he’d been up for most of the night with his laptop in front of him and papers and pens next to him. He had a cup of cold coffee sitting next to him too.

I asked him if everything was ok and he gave me a kind of noncommittal answer: “For the most part.” He wouldn’t say any more than that. He just pointed at the TV and said to watch the news.

So I did and that’s what almost made me late for my first class, this morning! Wow! A real mystery! My Dad said he was concerned because his business partner in England (Cedrick’s dad) had interests in the shipping business and wanted some information for his work. I think it had to do with finance concerns, stuff WAY beyond my little brain to figure out!

I’ll have to be sure to log into World of Warcraft tonight and see if Cedrick is around so I can pump him for info. Pump him? Oh, no! I just thought how bad that read! I’m getting to be a bigger and bigger perv as I go along. Damn you Billy and your pretty little wiggly magic butt! Hehehehe!

So, I saw Jamie today and he did fist bumps with me in front of his jerk friends. They all sneered at that, but I think Jamie did it in front of them on purpose to make a point. I’m sure they’ll give him the third degree about why he was interested in being friends with geeky old me since I wasn’t one of ‘them’. ‘Them’ being a meat-headed football jock with delusions of godhood. What assholes!

I looked around campus to see if I could find Jimmy anywhere. I couldn’t get him off my mind last night as I was trying to go to sleep. I still feel somehow that it’s my fault that he got into a worse mess because of my ‘help’ from before. That poor kid! I don’t really care that he might have figured me and JOEseph out. He’s never made any indication that he wanted to Out me so at least I know he isn’t *that* kind of guy. I just really hate to see other people bullied, especially when I think it’s being done because someone is ‘gayer’ than they ‘should’ be. Ah well . . . .

Other things: for some reason I’ve been moved from my gym class at the end of the day to one in the morning just one period before lunch. That sucks. I really hate showering with other guys. I think there’s some kind of sexual satisfaction the coaches get from throwing us boys together all naked and stuff. I understand the need not to stink for the rest of the school day, but, with all the ‘horse-play’ that goes on I think I rather just smell bad. I don’t like getting played with like a horse.

But, I am dealing. Actually most the kids in there are pretty respectful. I see there are a lot more ‘normal’ boys in the pre-lunch gym period. ‘Normal’ meaning not jocks with the perfect bodies and the less than perfect personalities. The boys in there mostly pay attention to themselves and don’t feel the need to mess with me or anyone else in there. I might be gay, but being semi-gang-raped by a bunch of hairless apes is not my idea of a good time. Not a personal fav fantasy of mine, I’m sorry.

At least I’m getting better at accepting that I’m gay. That’s kind of cool, isn’t it? Also, I can be gay and in a room full of naked guys and not necessarily get hard on sight. Hormones and past experiences aside, the nerves and the cold in the gym shower help keep things down to a dull scream. I might be semi-hard, but then almost everyone else in there is too. Also, nobody ‘stands out’ that much in the gigantisaur department either. Hehehehe! The initial splash of ice cold water puts out most of everyone’s fires anyway. Burrr!

I didn’t know anybody in this gym class. When we went out to the field I seemed to be the most athletic one out there which was way weird for me! We were doing racket-ball today. My long legs and long reach really help in that game. There was this one little emo dude that was really good though. He was shorter than me and smaller with a shorter reach, but he was super fast! Not Jamie fast, but pretty fast for a normal guy. He almost had me a couple of times but I was able to jump the ball. I think we tied! That was a fun match. We enjoyed matching one another.

He even said, “That was a fun game! I wish we could be partners all the time and not have to round-robin, ya know?” He had the most beautiful blue eyes and sparkling smile and he’s a total emo with the black hair and black nail polish, hehehehe! He’s actually kind of adorable! But, unfortunately for him, he’s not Billy who is the love of my life even though Billy doesn’t know it yet. 😛

“My name is Stevie!” he introduced himself since this was only our first day doing gym together. We shook hands and walked back to the gym showers when the bell rang. It was cool making a friend in gym class finally. Having to do gym with those stupid jock jerks was really getting on my nerves and I didn’t even know it was until I got out from under them.

I wonder if the coach was why I was moved out? I notice Jimmy had gone before I was transferred. Maybe coach moved him too. Figures the jocks would get the best gym period of the day! Princes of the school! Whatever.

So, when I got home today I logged into World of Warcraft right after getting my homework done to see if Cedrick was anywhere. He was but he couldn’t talk because he’d actually gotten to the Ice Crown Citadel raid instance in the game finally! I am like totally jealous of that right now, actually, because I haven’t been able to even get close to that part of the game for months! Anyways, that’s beside the point. I had to wait till later to get ahold of him. I was curious all day about this ship disappearance thingie. I don’t know why, but I always love mysteries like that!

I think it’s a hang up from my kid days when I thought that mermen, Greek gods, dragons, and leprechauns were actually real. Vampires too! I was so stupid when I was a kid, ya know? Hehehehe! But, that said, I guess I always still hope that there might really be sea monsters or dinosaurs out there somewhere. YouTube fuels this I think. I’m always finding things on the ‘weird side of the Internet’ there. Hehehe!

I checked in on my Dad to see if he managed to finish whatever he was working on this morning. He must have because he was totally flaked out on the couch snoring away with a half-read novel on his chest and Chester on his tummy all curled up. Chester was snoring too! Hehehe! He’s the damnedest cat ever. He acts more like a dog than a cat, I swear!

Sorry, I seem to be all over the place on this page tonight, Nameless Hacker. I’m in a good mood! I’m actually smiling while I write tonight! It’s nice to write about cool stuff for a change that isn’t scary or stressful. Probably the most stress I’ve had today is looking for Jimmy and studying for my spelling quiz for English tomorrow. Weirdly, spelling is pretty much the easiest thing I can do in English. I find it more weird that we are still doing spelling in High School. I guess the SATs are sticklers about spelling for some dumb reason.

Ooops . . . there goes the phone! It’s for me. Uh-oh. I spoke too soon about stress.

~~

It was Marie. She wants to go to the movies this coming Saturday. Naturally, I said yes because she wants to see that new zombie movie called ‘Shelter’. I hope she doesn’t mind me sitting in her lap through most of the movie. I get scared at real scary movies! I really get into them, ya know?

Like, my most favorite TV program is ‘Creature Feature’ with all the old monster movies on it. Dracula, Godzilla, The Alien Factor, The Thing From Another World . . . all the good Fifties and schlock Seventies ones! The thing is, they are so stupid that they are just funny and not really scary. The Alien Factor is my favorite because it’s not even a B movie. It’s a C- movie. It really IS awful! I love it so much!

The ‘REAL’ scary ones I try to avoid because they really mess me up! I saw John Carpenter’s ‘Halloween’ once and couldn’t sleep for a month! My Dad had to keep checking my closet for me to see if Michael Myers was in there with his butcher knife! I was so completely freaked out by that movie you have no idea.

I wanted to see the first ‘Alien’ movie once and my Dad completely put his foot down and straight out said *NO*! Hehehe. He complained that he was not losing sleep with me for an entire YEAR just to help me get over that movie. The problem with that logic is that now . . . I REALLY GOTTA SEE THAT MOVIE!!! What’s so horrible about it that he needs to hide that one in particular. He’s the same way about ‘The Exorcist’ and ‘Jaws’. I mean, they were all made in the Seventies. How scary can they be? Really!

So, ‘Shelter’ is supposed to be worse than all those movies put together! It even has teens my age in it getting chased around by the zombies and probably eaten alive. I bet Dad won’t want me to see that one either and yet . . . if I don’t then he’ll be disappointing his future ‘Daughter-In-Law’. OoooOOo! Hehehehe! Ha! Can you spell ‘blackmail’?

So, again, rather than getting a stressful phone call from someone to further mess up what’s left of my sanity, Marie calls and wants to treat me to the best scary movie playing right now! Cool! I think she’s my only friend who would be able to fully appreciate a gore fest like that movie is supposed to be!

As a matter of fact . . . she’s like my only real friend. Wow!

Nope . . . I’m not going there! She can’t be my girlfriend. It just won’t work. She deserves better than to be disappointed by a closeted gay boy who would never know how to satisfy her the way she wants to be. I know she wants to have sex with me, but . . . I’m not sure that I can get myself going enough to do that. But then, that may just be the virgin in me talking.

Ooops, I forgot that I’m not technically a virgin anymore. Joe saw to that, I guess. Well, but that still doesn’t mean that I want to bone Marie. I . . . just can’t think about doing something like that to her or any other girl, no matter how beautiful and, trust me, Marie is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She is more beautiful in her own way than Jamie is in his way. She’s so much stronger and self-assured than he is. I wonder why that is? He’s older than she is but he acts way younger. It’s weird!

I don’t know. I am a horny teenager. Maybe if she rubs me the right way it’ll switch me on in the right direction. But, you know, it isn’t even the fact that she’s a girl that turns me off about her. She’s just . . . I don’t know the words. She’s too good to have me do something that nasty too her, I guess. Sex is so low down and sloppy and dirty. I’d hate to sully her beauty with what comes out of me, I guess. With a guy, we all know the score. It’s a mess and we get that, but then I’ve only done it in a shower with the water running so, maybe I wouldn’t feel right doing it with a guy just in bed, or whatever, either. That would mess him up too.

Well . . . damn! I was feeling pretty good about things before I started up-chucking my guts onto this blog thing! Now I feel guilty about sex and being a guy and feeling dirty about all of it! Why should I feel dirty about any of this? It’s natural! It’s like my uncle said: it’s totally a natural and good thing if it’s done with love!

Maybe that’s the thing. I don’t ‘love’ Marie. Not in *that* way. I love her as a companion and as a confidant, but I don’t have the ‘zap’ that I should have with someone that I want to make love to. I did have it to a certain extent with Joseph and I’m still ‘recovering’ from that, I guess. But, honestly, it was such a brief thing that our doing that stuff together seems more like another one of my more vivid wet dreams than something that really happened! It seems so unreal somehow.

Ok, I’m confusing myself and mixing myself up worse than ever. As my Dad says to do when my brain goes running away with me I’m telling it to STOP. There so . . . STOP already!

So . . . ok Cedrick just messaged me back and he sent me this one really short message in answer to my question about ships and stuff: “Sea Monster!”

What the hell does that mean? I think he’s totally pulling my leg. Jerk!

There are no such thing as sea monsters . . . I hope!

This is Brandon hoping there are no sea monsters, vampires, or zombies hiding in his closet! ~shivers~

Published February 14, 2019