April 25th

Awwww!

Billy was extra-crispy cute today!

I’d gone to the library to do some research on lawyers and law degrees and was just about ready to leave when my little love nugget just waltzed right through the door! Perhaps, I’m hoping, just to see me! Though, that’s pretty self-centered thinking that, I guess. He may have just wanted to drop a book off or whatever, but . . . he did spot me immediately and he looked happy to see me!

I stopped packing my crap up so that I could sit with him a bit. You know? Billy Chase isn’t real. He can’t be. Nobody that beautiful should be in a dump like that school! He should be in a boy band or on TV or being a model for a gay French dude!

You know he got all shy and flustered when he reached my table. He ran his hand through that golden silky hair and his doe-brown eyes would roam around catching my eyes every now and then. He finally settled down and could look me in the eyes and then his beautiful peepers couldn’t unlock from mine.

There was something there in that look, something I wanted to take with me and put in my pocket to look at on a sad day. That puppy dog look that he has with his blonde headed best friend was not what he shared with me. It was a more intense look . . . like wheels were turning in there. I must have smiled at that because that made him smile too.

Billy has the whitest most perfect teeth on earth, you know? Also, the rose color that hits his chipmunk cheeks is adorable beyond words. He has dimples! I’d never noticed those before today. I do believe he was blushing a bit as we exchanged small talk. Maybe I’m growing on him. Maybe this connection I feel that is forming is something special. Maybe . . . he wants me?

We talked about the garbage I’ve been grinding on about for my last few entries here. I left out the Jimmy stuff because, well, I just find that situation really disturbing. I don’t like what is going on there. Something is wrong. Jimmy hasn’t been in school for the past couple of days since the knock-down drag-out. So, I didn’t want to go all depressed when I was basically just trying to connect (and probably charm the pants off of) Billy.

Speaking of depressing, we got into talking about science class. He and I are on the same page as far as that class goes. Mr. Huntington, the teacher, is so depressed that he’s depressING. It makes the whole class take just that much longer to get through. It’s a shame too, because, personally, I find the subject matter far more interesting than I thought I would at the beginning of the semester. I’m doing well on the tests and quizzes, but his dull monotone in the way he presents the class makes me want to fall asleep! Oh, it’s all I can do to keep my eyes open the minute he starts blaah blaah blaahing. ~yawn~ See? I can’t even think about him without getting sleepy.

Billy seems to feel the same way. I think he made mention of actually HAVING fallen asleep in his class a couple of times. I’ll have to take a cue from Billy next time and sit in the back. That way if the teacher gets too boring I can take power naps to make the time go faster. Hehehehe! The books cover everything, pretty much. We really probably don’t even need poor Mr. Huntington. Maybe that’s why he’s so depressed!

I noticed the Bitch coming back from the back of the library so we weren’t able to talk anymore without her getting, well, bitchy. So it gave us the initiative to get going. Class was going to start again anyway. I was so sad having to break up our time together. Today was very special for me.

Again, I think I feel that Billy may have feelings for me. I can only hope It’s not just wishful thinking, but there was something there in him today that was just . . . different.

I don’t know.

Well, in other news, I’m getting psyched about tomorrow! Marie and I going to see ‘Shelter’ is going to be a blast! I’ve watched a number of trailers for the movie and it looks every bit as horrifying as I’d hoped it would! I totally think that Marie is going to be wearing me like a backpack through most of the film. I have a feeling I’ll be like Chester is when it starts to thunder and lightning. I’ll be looking for something to hide under! It’s going to be so-o much fun! I’m SUCH an incredible geek about horror films. I need to go to a convention sometime and really geek out, I think. Maybe my Dad can get us tickets to the San Diego ComicCon or something. He used to collect comics when he was my age so he might even get a kick out of going with me!

Anywho, Marie called me up this evening and we just chit-chatted a bit. She was rather hilarious tonight since Jamie apparently overheard our plans for tomorrow. Apparently he had heard that Marie and I were going to go to see ‘Shelter’ and wanted to tag along. I guess he likes those kinds of movies too.

Marie said over the phone: “No! You are not tagging along! This is a. . . .” then I heard some clicking and static and her voice came back in my ear. “I need to put you over here because Jamie is being a numb nuts again.” I hear a clunk and then a whisper that the receiver picks up quite clearly.

“Would you quit it! You know I’m going on a date here! Why the hell would you want to get in the middle of that for?” Marie’s whisper was kind of louder and harsher than I think she meant it to be. I giggled because I could totally see Jamie in my mind looking so confused. He doesn’t get things sometimes.

“But . . . it looks so COOL an’ none of the guys wanna see it an’ Brandon is cool like he likes stuff like that an’ . . . an’ YOU need a chaperone!” Jamie doesn’t even sound like he took a breath through that whole sentence.

“Chaperone? I do NOT need a frigging chaperone, James Cross! Don’t try to horn in on my plans just ’cause you’re stupid idiot friends don’t wanna see a movie they probably couldn’t understand anyway!” Marie snarls . . . still in her hard whisper voice.

“Why don’t you take YOUR girlfriend to a movie! Why do you always need to go with me . . . for?” Marie asks but her voice kind of trails off like she wanted to stop herself but the words came out too late.

” . . . you know I don’t got one of those, Marie. You know I can’t ever get one to go out with me. None of them like me. No one likes me . . . oh, whatever. Enjoy, Marie. I’m sorry I asked and got in the way. Say hi to Brandon for me.” I hear a deep sigh after him saying that shocking bit of news. He said it with such sadness.

Jamie is single? I’d never have thought that was possible in a million years! He’s like uberstud! He’s the best looking guy in school except for Billy, of course. But . . . he doesn’t think so?

Man! Gee, I wonder if it’s because he never asks girls out, or they just don’t act interested, or maybe his stupid friends are the problem? They’d intimidate anyone from getting near Jamie at all!

That actually makes a ton of sense. Why would they get between him and even the Cheerleader squad? What was their game with Jamie?

“I’m . . . sorry Jamie. I shouldn’t have said that. it’s not your fault. You’ll find someone someday . . . just like I found Brandon!” I hear Marie comfort her gorgeous blonde brother like he was a nerd with taped-up glasses and no prospects. That is SO weird!

“You’re lucky . . . Brandon is the coolest. You guys have fun, K? I mean that.” I was floored again! I actually found myself blushing at the compliment because it was said so sincerely.

But, I also felt sorry we couldn’t take Jamie with us. I mean, in some ways, I’d like a chaperone because it would keep me from exposing myself when Marie finally figured out that I was not into her in the same way she is into me. Jamie would be a great distraction from her Outing me.

Aw, poor Jamie. Who would have ever thought he had the same kinds of fears and problems with dating as we mere mortals do?

Jamie really strikes me as kind of young! Younger than me even though in years he is about a year older. He’s even more lost and confused than I tend to be. I wish I could help him find someone, maybe with my magic ‘gay’ powers or whatever. I’ve read where straight guys sometimes like gay guys as ‘wingmen’ because the girls always warm up to the gay guy first and then to everyone around him too.

Oh heavens! These things get SO complicated, I swear they do!

So, I’m still processing that bit of news tonight. I haven’t anyone to share it with really. Neither of my friends online would even know what I was talking about. Marie is too close to the situation and Billy . . . well I already know that Billy kind of admires Jamie a lot. He might even like him which would be sad for me because I’m absolutely NO competition for Jamie. If Jamie and Billy ever got hot for one another I’d totally be left in the dust. I’m like NO competition at all for Jamie Cross. I’m a big gawky string-bean not Justin Timberlake.

So, I rather not bring Jamie up AT ALL to Billy. My relationship with Billy, if you can call it that, is fragile enough. Jamie would be just the ramrod that would blow up our little bubble right quick. Ramrod . . . Hehehehe!

Like I said . . . SOOO complicated!

I saw Stevie again today, of course. Gym was really dull today because we were learning Yoga. That’s one class that I really don’t think teenagers should be going to. I mean not co-ed anyway. Some of the guys were such pervs today. If they weren’t wolf-whistling the girls they were wolf-whistling each other, especially if some one of the guys popped a boner in his sweatpants and had to do a ‘glute bridge’. That is basically being face up and making yourself into a table with your legs and arms behind you.

You’re supposed to basically hump the sky doing that. It’s supposed to be good for your back and butt, except almost every guy in there gets aroused doing that position. I mean, really? We’re like humping the air and we aren’t supposed to get turned on when I can get turned on just by brushing myself wrong when getting my house keys out of my pocket. So . . . you can imagine the goings on.

Typically, Coach Grunderson who teaches the class has absolutely NO sense of humor at all so she get’s mad at the shenanigans. I also think she hates boys because she not only yells at us for the shenanigans but makes fun of our conditions a little bit. It’s humiliating. They should make Yoga a girls thing. What do guys need to know that stuff for anyway?

But, the bright spot in all that was Stevie, my Yoga partner, was basically showing off his junk particularly well. He had managed to come by these black tights he calls ‘Yoga Pants’. I notice all the girls wear them and they are way more revealing than I would like on them. But they work the same way on boys too and maybe more so since we have more to show down there.

So, Stevie is humping the sky with his tights on and . . . boy is he hung! I mean . . . oh my gawd! I’d never have figured a skinny little emo kid like him could be packing that kind of heat! I’d not seen him shower because his locker’s in another part of the locker room and he uses a different shower. So, this was my first time seeing him like . . . out there.

“You like my pants?” Stevie says like super innocently like he doesn’t see me basically riveted to his junk like the perv I am.

“They’re cool. They’re awful tight though. Aren’t they uncomfortable?” I asked him trying to come up with something coherent while being as ‘un-gay’ as possible.

“Oh no! Not at all! They are real supportive for this kind of thing. Yoga for guys needs some extra support, you know.” Stevie smiled at me and then went into this amazing pretzel pose that was WAY more advanced than anything we had been doing in Coach Grunderson’s class.

It actually caught her attention, “Mr. Mitchell? Would you care to come up here and teach this class? No? Then can we stick with the program please?” Gawd she’s such a shrew!

The comment got a lot of giggles from the class and a couple of lingering stares from the girls . . . as well as a couple of the boys.

Stevie is quite a character. We should go do video games or something soon. I don’t know why I haven’t asked him over before. Maybe . . . it’s ’cause I don’t trust myself around him not to Out myself. He’s cute and I’m pretty sure he IS gay. I’ve yet to meet an emo dude who isn’t at least Bi.

I hate being a prisoner of being ‘Out’ or ‘In’ or up or down or any other orientation. One shouldn’t have to hide who they are. That’s all. Maybe one day it won’t matter who we love or not and people will stop making a big fuss about it all.

That would be nice.

This is Brandon, looking for Yoga Pants on Amazon.

Published April 14, 2019