April 26

Ohhhh . . .

I’mma have nightmares tonight, boy! 😮

‘Shelter’ . . . of my frigging God, dude! I’ve NEVER seen so much gore in anything in my entire live long life! I still feel ‘shocky’ from it all. I must have been holding poor Marie’s hand so tight that it cut off her circulation. She had to peel my hand off of her’s a couple of times. Poor Marie! I’m such a wimp!

“Oh my goodness, Brandon! You’re shivering! Should we get out of here?” Marie asked me after one particularly gruesome scene in the film. I must have shook my head vigorously because she didn’t ask to leave again after that. I was horrified through the whole thing . . . and loved every minute of it!

Marie thought my reaction to the movie was ‘cute’. She even kissed my cheek which made me wince a bit. I feel sorry about that. I shouldn’t have winced. She smiled at me after that little peck but looked sad too. I think she’s starting to figure me out. I hope she doesn’t come to the obvious and awful conclusion that I’m afraid she’ll come to. That, of course, me being gay as a Care Bear rainbow!

We went over to the Gargoyle place again to play some games to get my mind off of zombies. Naturally, that didn’t work since I gravitated to the ‘Shelter’ promo game and played that with her. She thought it was hilarious how into the zombie killing I was getting but, in all actuality, playing that game worked off my jitters from the movie perfectly. What was it that my miserable English teacher said that was? A cath… cathar…, uh. Catheter! That’s the word! It was a big catheter to drain off all my pent up feelings! I’m so proud of my big words! 😀


We both got hungry after tearing the brains out of zombies and stomping on them, of course. That’s hard and hungry work, you know! We decided to drift over to the ‘Good Eats’ area of the Mall and get something greasy to eat, but Marie almost broke my neck pulling me into an about-face! She looked like she’d just seen a real zombie!

“Oh for the love of . . .!” she moaned.

“What?” I wanted to know.

“Jamie’s here! Of COURSE he’d show up today. I told him I didn’t want him around while we were out together! Grrrr!” Marie got kind of red in the face and had this adorable snarl on her lips. I almost had an urge to kiss her back for the kiss she gave me, but that passed.

“Why? Maybe he could have lunch with us? He might be lonely!” I knew I was poking her with a stick after having overheard their conversation last night, but . . . honestly Marie’s so much fun when she’s riled up! I’m evil!

I got mine though.

After lightly smacking my arm she said, “Absolutely not! I’m here with YOU. He needs to just stick with his idiot friends and leave us out of it. You and I are having a great time. I don’t need him and his goon squad spoiling it for us!”

“Oh. So his ‘friends’ are will him then?” I suddenly was all in favor of getting out of there. Jamie is one thing, but his ‘goons squad’ was another. Marie’s word describes them perfectly. They are goons!

“Of course. It’s rare that they are *not* with Jamie.” Marie said.

“Say no more then, lets get lost before they see us.” I didn’t want to get mixed up with any of that today. I get enough of it at school. I hate meeting people in the Mall from school! It’s always awkward when they’re just regular people. But, with Jamie’s ‘goons’ it would be a recipe for worse nightmares than just zombies.

I feel like the Mall is my one outdoor sanctuary where I can get away from school problems and not have to deal with people I don’t want to deal with. Yet, I feel like I’m out in the world and among the rest of humanity. I don’t feel like such a freak because no one knows me and I’m just one of many.

When I see somebody from school that little bubble is broken and I feel just as alone, vulnerable, and weird as I do at school. Of course, today I’m not alone like most the time. I have Marie, but at the same time having her with me makes me feel nervous for her too. The rumors will start at her school and carry on to my school when she graduates. Dirty stories will be made and Marie’s reputation could be hurt. I hate this town so much, sometimes!

“I’m still hungry though. Where should we go?” Marie asked a little desperately.

“The movie wasn’t as expensive as I thought it was going to be, I think I can afford a pizza for us from Round Table. My Dad and I go there a lot. Jamie and his crew won’t go there and it’s in walking distance at the edge of the parking lot.” I offered as a solution.

“Really! A real live restaurant? Like a REAL date? Oh! That would be the coolest, Brandon! I’d love that!” Marie gave me a big, long hug and another peck on the cheek though this one was longer than the first one. I found myself blush and I got hard instantly despite myself. That’s being a teenager for you, I guess, Even a gay one.

“Ok! Well, come on. Let’s get going before the Goon Squad notices us.” I felt the need to get moving before she started feeling my condition with another hug.

I heard giggling and Marie turned around to be confronted by a goon squad of another sort. Both were girls and both were her age. Uh-oh.

“Hi Marie! Who’s THIS?” The brunette one said. She had all kinds of stuff in her hair and bands around her wrists like Beyonce or somebody.

“Oh, hi Bea.” Marie kind of sighed when she saw this girl. I have a feeling they aren’t the best of friends.


“Hi yourself. But, like OMG! Who’s tall dark and handsome here? I don’t remember seeing HIM at school. I’d have remembered! He’s almost as cute as Billy Chase was!” the redhead said. Somehow, she reminded me of Karl a bit. A lot prettier than Karl, but with the same pug dog expression. I almost wanted to pick her up and throw her over the banister to the second floor of the Mall for talking about Billy! How dare she!

I felt an arm clutch around mine and saw that Marie had taken me in her arm possessively. Oh Lord help me!

“His name is Brandon and he goes to High School! THAT’s why you don’t know him!” Marie sounded SO proud of that. LOL!

“Hmmm. He must have gone to another Middle School then, because I don’t remember Brandon or is he like a Senior or something? Wow! How did you land a Senior?” The one called Bea asked. I didn’t get the 20 questions! What the hell? I just wanted to get a pizza and not have to relive my Middle School days! Living them once was once too much!

“Naw, I’m not a Senior. Anyways, it was nice meeting you. Marie, lets go get that pizza, huh?” I asked or rather pleaded with Marie. She responded by gripping my arm a bit tighter, smiling the most gorgeous, heart stopping smile any female could possibly make and then simply said:

“Sure, Sweetheart. Let’s go do it!”

We turned around to go in the direction of the exit, but then she turned around and winked at her two obvious rivals in Middle School. I looked back too and they both had the same shocked expression.

I think they misinterpreted ‘Let’s go do it!’. I think my sweet little Marie knew EXACTLY what she did there too. I hoped it was all just talk and it was . . . for the most part. There was that foot thing. Um, like can we spell AWKWARD, Class? I’d never been molested by a foot under the table before! I mean . . . whoa!

Despite being played ‘footsie’ with, the pizza was very good and Marie had such a good time! I was happy about that. She’s such a beautiful person in all ways. Every time I’m with her I wish that I could go straight. She’s right there! She wants me and she is rapidly becoming my best friend. We share all kinds of interests. We love to go to the same kinds of places and do the same kinds of things . . . which is really rare for a girl!

Honestly, what more could you ask for in a girlfriend? Part of me can dream of marrying her, settling down, and having kids. She could be a life companion. We could make the fairy tale of High School sweethearts living and loving together for the rest of our lives a reality, if I could but try. She is perfect!

Unfortunately, I am not. I am by some twist of nature or just some twist in character attracted to guys. If Billy were to Out himself to me tonight I’d drop Marie on her head and not think a thing of it. That’s awful, I know, but it’s true.

Billy can make my blood run hot in my veins! He doesn’t have to kiss me to get me hard. He can just SMILE and I’m there! When his eyes lock onto mine time stands still and, for a moment, we are one mind and one soul. How can this be when I’ve only known him for a short while? I don’t know. Like I’ve said before, five minutes with Billy is worth an entire afternoon with Marie. If Billy and I were to come to the Mall, see a scary movie, tease girls, and then eat pizza . . . I could honestly say that at that point I would have had the best day of my whole life!

Knowing this, I know that some day soon, I’m going to have to break it to Marie that I’m not *hers*. I’m not her boyfriend. I am only a boy who is a friend. I need to stop this before it gets worse! I need to stop where she is leading me before she gets so deep that I really hurt her. It may be too late already.

I hate this. Why did I have to be born this way? Why couldn’t I have just been normal so that I could fall in love with Marie and have her do the same with me. We’d be perfect for each other. We could have satisfied each other in every way and known that it was ok because no matter what . . . we’d be together for the rest of our lives!

It is such a waste of a possibly brilliant future for the both of us. But, it can never be. I am as I was made, I guess, and I was made to be a boy’s companion.

I was made to be Billy’s companion!

Awww, I can turn Christmas into a funeral with my craziness. This was such a happy day and now it’s just left me as frightened and depressed as always.

What am I going to do about Marie? What am I going to do about Billy?

I don’t know.


Well, Stevie just called me. That was out of the blue. I forgot I’d given him my number yesterday after gym class. He is kind of amazing in that he always seems to know just when to be there when I need a distraction. At school he’ll show up if I’m having a hard day and just walk to class with me. He really is a cool guy.

He asked if I wanted to go out tonight to a party he and some of his other Emo friends were having at someone’s house nearby. I declined figuring I’d had enough for the day. I am tired and really just want to sleep.

He sounded disappointed but settled for a ‘rain check’ for next time. It might be interesting to go to an Emo party. I’ve never been to one of those. I have NO idea what to expect at such a party. I could only imagine it’s like a bunch of skinny dudes in a bedroom doing each other’s hair and makeup while listening to Panic At The Disco. Maybe I should take back that rain check?

Oh well. Whatever.

I’m tired. I’m going to sleep now. Hopefully I won’t dream about zombies and Emos tonight. Sheesh!

This is Brandon . . . saying goodnight.

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