May 1


So I didn’t delete anything and I only threw out last night’s paper after transferring here.

I know I got a little carried away. I’m a teenager so blame the hormones if you want to. I had a little cry and went to sleep. Rested, I’m still sad about the whole deal with Billy, but I can at least face it like a man today.

Also, I only have what my lawyer books are calling ‘hearsay’ which is only going by what you hear said (jeeneeus!) Doh. It doesn’t really mean anything without evidence.

So, what that means is that I don’t really know how Billy feels about things. I am only guessing that he is straight because his buddy Sam says Billy would love knowing about this Joanna girl. For all of me, Sam may have just been trying to impress Sarah with his ‘dutiful loyalty’ to his ‘dear friend’ and only in a ‘selfless’ way. I know the game. I’ve seen it done by guys on girls before. It’s pure bullshit just to get into their panties (Oh, BAD Brandon!)

Um, so like I’m not entirely out of hope for Billy. I really know no more than I did before about how he really feels about anything. I don’t know him well enough, really. I’m jumping to conclusions condemning him to a life of ‘straightitude’ or whatever.

I need to watch and see how this plays out. I’ll need hard evidence before I’m willing to give up on my little golden love nugget. But, if he is straight and he falls for Joanna then I’m not going to go jump off a bridge. I’m going to respect Billy and his needs and his decisions. My heart owes that to him. In the end, isn’t loving someone supposed to be wanting them to be happy regardless of how you feel?

True love is selfless. This is a lesson I’m taking with me from my Mama. She taught it to me every day and in her memory I need to honor that, don’t I?

It will be a hard lesson to keep in Billy’s case for me, but it’s one I’m willing to try for if I can.

In that spirit, when I saw him today, I did my very best to put away any sorrow or disappointment. For one, I didn’t want to let on that I knew anything about what might be going on with Joanna. It wasn’t my place to say anything anyway. I was thinking of testing him a little about his straightness, though. Maybe through some comments about some of the pretty girls walking around just to see how he’d react.

When I found him in the hall today his smile almost undid me right there, though. He was happy to see me and lit up a bit. That warm feeling inside of me for him just couldn’t be cooled so easily after seeing that.

“Hey Brandon!” He greeted me happily. We chit chatted about what classes we came from and where we were going a bit. A nothing conversation that was just an excuse for me to just . . . be near him, ya know? I was about to spring the ‘girl’ test on him when Sam showed up! What the hell? Can’t I even have a few minutes with Billy alone without Sam showing up?

Seeing his smug stupid face just dumped a bunch of ice cold Gatorade on my ‘warm place’. It brought everything back from last night for some reason. All the disappointment, sadness, despair, etc.

I excused myself nicely enough, but I could tell Billy saw my sudden flare of the nasties rise up in me at seeing Sam. The goofball really does rub me the wrong way. Even that half-twisted cocky smile makes me want to slap the shit out of him!

I think it could have to do a lot with jealousy, really. Sam gets to spend all the time he wants to with Billy and I only get, like, little windows of time with him. Precious windows of time that go by so fast and yet Sam gets to be with Billy any time he wants to for as long as he wants. What is more is I don’t think Sam is smart enough to know who he has as a friend. I mean he has Billy Chase as his best friend! I mean . . . Wow!

What I’d give to be in Sam’s shoes!

So, even as Billy sort of stammered trying to get my attention to introduce me to Samuel Dipshit, I just had to turn away and go away. I was the first one in English class today because of that. I bet the teacher thought I was just trying to get extra credit points. Pah-leeze! Everyone knows she doesn’t give anyone diddley squat for anything!

The rest of the day was blah, though I’m pretty sure Stevie is a witch or maybe a warlock since that is more correct gender-wise. Witch probably fits him better because Stevie does tend to be a bit ‘girley’ sometimes.

It was almost like he could read my mind today. Those bright blue eyes just bore right through me after we got finished playing racquetball. Maybe it was because my game was WAY off today. Too much to think about and too many emotions to play right, I guess.

“You ok?” He asked me with what looked like real concern.

“Uh, yeah. Just a lot goin’ on, ya know?” I sort of tried to dodge the ‘probe’.

“Oh, yeah. Always lots of stuff to deal with. Funny, when I play with you my ‘stuff’ goes away. I mean, like, playing the games and stuff. PE clears my head . . . ~ah-hem~.” Stevie just sort of Outed himself right there to me. I have suspicioned it for a while now. I think Stevie might be another JOEseph. He acts a lot the same way. He tried to cover for it but, uh . . . yeah.

Maybe this is one reason I don’t feel quite so funky today. I might have just found an . . . alternative if Billy is straight. Stevie doesn’t turn me on like Billy does, though. I don’t dream about him and I don’t necessarily get aroused around him like I do with Billy. Though, I might have to take that back a bit, because I did get kind of aroused by Stevie a little today. Today he did something different than usual.

See, usually he is pretty shy about his body. He finds a locker off away from all the others and manages to dress himself in semi-privacy. I don’t bother with that since JOEseph sort of destroyed my ‘shame’ in the shower. Nothing can beat (literally) what he did so since then my nudity hasn’t bothered me as much.

Anyways, in Stevie’s case, he always manages to wrap himself up in his towel and then finds a secluded shower to do his business REALLY quickly and then wrap himself back up in his then soaking wet towel. I think he must shower with it ON him somehow or at least near enough to him so it gets soaked. It must stink up his gym bag something awful!

But, today, proud and confident he chooses a locker across from mine, strips and showers in the same shower aisle I use. We even smiled at one another and giggled for some reason. I think it was because he blushed a bit and I must have too at seeing him in the buff like that.

I don’t know what he’s so ashamed of, really. He’s got quite a sexy little body. It’s a bit pale and he hasn’t got hardly any hair at all on him, even ‘down there’ but he has nice definition to his muscles and a very nice little ass!

I did find myself looking when his back was turned and thinking about it quite a bit in the periods after gym. Also, his boyhood is nothing to be sad about either! He’s got a nice average size. Somehow, his little bit of black hair down there and his white skin really show off his ‘magic wand’ to nice effect! It was slightly erect too which is probably why I blushed a bit upon seeing him. I may have been ‘doing’ that to him with my own nudity.

I don’t know why he feels so ashamed. Hopefully ‘coming out’ today made him feel less nervous. He needn’t be nervous. Stevie’s . . . quite a tasty treat by the looks of things.

He’s not Billy, though.

What I’d give to see Billy shower next to me! I don’t think I’d be able to control myself at all. Billy would be in for one of those ‘prison shower’ scenes, I think, if he got caught with just him and me in there. I’d do such things to that boy . . . Ungh!

Hormones: it’s got to be why I am flip flopping emotionally like this. It’s weird ’cause now I feel somewhat guilty about ‘cheating’ on Billy by looking at Stevie today. I mean, I’ve done nothing with either of them and I don’t think they are on to me quite yet, but still I feel like I cheat on the ‘idea’ of Billy when I think of Brandon and Stevie or even Brandon and Marie.

Is that crazy?

Well, of course it’s crazy! Why wouldn’t it be? This is me we’re talking about here. I’m a frigging loony tune!

This is Brandon . . . Bugs Bunny’s screwier cousin

May 3

Ok. Back in the gutter with me. It’s apparently where God wants me so here I am and here I’m going to stay.

I’m so done with this constant wondering and wanting. Wanting for things I can never have is one of the most painful things ever, I think.

It’s pretty clear that I’ve lost Billy forever now. It’s all over school.

Billy and Joanna are an item. It’s as official as its probably ever going to get.

It was confirmed to me by the King of the School himself. He has decreed it so it must be the truth. As silly and goofy as he is, Jamie is still probably the most connected person in the whole High School. He doesn’t have to be smart just to repeat what he’s been told by a thousand of his friends. Also, Jamie is too stupid to make up things like this on his own. Anyway, why would he? What skin is it off of his nose? He hardly knows Billy at all and he only knows about Joanna from Sarah (who is trying desperately to impress Jamie and get him to take her out, it seems).

So, today I was about ready to go into the Library during our lunch hour so that I could get some things done when Jamie appears out of nowhere! He doesn’t even have his usual entourage of assholes standing at his back like his royal guard. He was quite alone, almost like he’d managed to escape from them to talk to me freely!

“Brandon! Where have you been, man? I’ve haven’t seen you in like forever! Why don’t you ever come by our table for lunch?” Jamie was all beautiful white smiles and sparkling blue eyes today. If I didn’t know how stupid he was I’d have had half a mind to drag him off and kiss him behind the book shelves. He was too cute and yet . . . his cuteness kind of vanished for me the minute he opened his big mouth (per usual).

Not waiting for an answer he just kept blathering: “Did you hear the latest? We have two new candidates for the Freshman Prom Prince and Princess already! It’s kind of cute really! Puppy love and all . . .” I didn’t know why Jamie was telling me this. I think it was just an excuse to talk to me for some reason. He’s weird!

“If sis had managed to get pushed up a grade she’d have been in your class this year and I’d have voted for you two, but, she’s still in Kid’s School. So anyways, guess who the two new lovebirds are? It’s kind of cool because we’ve had our eye on one of them for a while now to see if he might be the right stuff for the junior varsity team next year!” Jamie told me with excitement. My feelings were pretty much the complete opposite of excitement. I had a sinking feeling I knew what was coming.

Still, why he was so excited I’m still trying to figure out. Does he guess something about me? Does he guess something about Billy and me? Has his spies been watching us without our knowing and he figures Billy and I are friends and that I might be excited or at least pleasantly surprised for Billy’s sake? Why am I trying to figure out Jamie’s ulterior motives? Jamie isn’t SMART enough to have ulterior motives!

“So you’ll never guess! It’s like your new little buddy and Joanna, the Vixen of Fox Street herself! Billy Chase, that lucky SOB! The very one! I figured he’d get snatched up right quick! Lots of the girls have been saying how cute he is. I don’t know about that, but he’s always been cool in my book. He even helps that little Jimmy guy you keep talking about! If he’d stop pal-ing around with that Simon nerd we’d invite him to our lunch table!” Jamie cut me to the quick though he didn’t know it.

“Wow. Cool. That’s great Jamie. I’m, uh . . . That’s cool.” You know how hard it is to smile when you want to cry? It makes your face hurt and you get pins and needles in your cheeks. It’s one of the most awful feelings you can have.

Being completely numb from the neck up, Jamie didn’t catch on to the fact that I wasn’t really all that jazzed by the news. He was too involved being happy about being able to tell me some good gossip. Again, why he singled me out for this to tell me personally, I have no idea. There is never anything mean or sneaky about anything Jamie does. He’s honest to a fault.

Somehow, that just made the news even harder to take. Having Jamie Cross himself say this to me is as if the Angel Gabriel himself had come down from Heaven and proclaimed that Billy Chase is forever off limits to me. ‘Go, be Marie’s boyfriend and stop with this gay crap!’

If only . . .

So, smarting from that one for the rest of my Library time, it came as no surprise that when Billy came by to look for me today I just couldn’t look him in the eye. I got out of there and away from him as fast as I could. I didn’t want him to see me crying, because just as soon as I was a few paces down the hall from him the waterworks started. I had to dash into the boys bathroom so that I could get control of myself and wash my face before my next class. Thankfully, no one else was in there to give me grief for being a crybaby. I think I would have had to go home after that. Fortunately, I suppose, that didn’t happen.

You know, Billy is everything I ever wanted and now I know I can never have that everything.

How does one continue on knowing that you will never be able to be happy ever again? Maybe you’ll have fun sometimes and maybe you’ll have some really pleasurable experiences, but happiness . . . true happiness . . . will NEVER be yours. Billy was going to be my happiness.

Will new things come that can replace Billy?

No. Billy is irreplaceable and now he’s lost to me forever.

This is Brandon . . . crying.

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