May 8

Well, I made my plans with Marie this weekend to see the movie ‘The Concert’ about a girl and a boy and a piano and whatever else. Basically, they get it on and pianos are involved somehow. Are they going to be on the piano, in the piano, making music with the piano while they umph it up, I dunno? But, we’re going to go see it. It will be our first ‘Romance’ movie for a date night. My Dad said we could go out a little later than usual, like 7 PM and be back by 11 PM. He’d also give us money enough for the movie and dinner at the Black Stag which is a nice steakhouse type place in the mall! I’ve only gone there on birthdays and stuff and never by myself. This is going to be really strange!

It might be just the test of my true desires that I will need to see if I can cure myself of being Gay or not. I’d really love it if I could fall in love with Marie and live happily ever after. I don’t want to be Gay anymore. It just isn’t something that’s going to work for me. Everything in my whole life and beliefs tell me how unhealthy it is and, so far, nothing has proven these things as being wrong. All this constant craving has caused me is pain in the long run.

My confusion with JOEseph and with Billy has just mixed me up worse than Mix Master pancake batter. JOEseph should have been the one to become my boyfriend, but we figured it out WAY too late. Plus, that sex thing we did in the shower was so STRANGE and out of the norm that I can’t really make it make sense with anything else in my life. It was like a once in a lifetime thing that is just one of those experiences people have that never happens again. It can’t mean anything! It can’t because it wasn’t anything! It might as well have never happened because JOEseph is gone and I will never see him again.

Billy is straight and is rapidly becoming Joanna’s boy toy. He’ll never give me a second thought now. Why should he? He’s got one of the prettiest girls in school hounding him to get with him. Usually, it’s the other way around. The guy has to chase the girl, not the other way around. Joanna reminds me of Chester when he’s hunting mice. She stalks Billy and then pounces on him when he’s trapped in the lunch line or somewhere he can’t get away! She knows what she’s doing and Billy looks like he’s eating it up!

In all honesty, that’s the way Marie was with me except she had the help of the rest of her Pride and my own Mustafa Papa Lion to arrange things. It was very ‘old world’ the way it worked out with Marie and me from what I’ve read about how they used to do things back in the day. It was like our families made everything fall into place so that we could get together. So, now I have an added burden to all of this: will I be disappointing my Dad if I can’t make things work out with Marie? Up till now I’ve only worried about Marie being sad about not being able to ‘get’ with me, but, when I think about it, there’s a whole lot of other people riding on this, especially my Dad. I think he sees this as an opportunity for ‘happiness’ for me. Something healthy and ‘forward thinking’ so that I can get over my Mama’s death and move on with my life.

As painful as it’s going to be, I’m going to have to forget about Billy. I just have to. I can’t help but to see him in the hallways and stuff, but it will have to be like if I see any other guy from one of my classes that’s halfway decent. I’ll wave at him and stuff, but I don’t think I’ll want to hang out with him anymore.

It’ll be too painful. I keep saying goodbye to Billy. It seems to be something I keep doing over and over. I suppose I have to do it for good this time. I have to or lose my sanity.

So goodbye again, Billy. I . . . will just have to live a life that doesn’t have you in it anymore.

This is Brandon Billyless.

May 9

So, I just got off the phone with Marie. It was good to hear her voice. She really is a light in my life. She’s definitely a best friend if not a lover and I’ve found that rather than dreading a call from her or making a call I actually look forward to hearing from her. I should say not yet a lover. There is a sound in her voice and a sigh when she finishes a thought when talking to me that . . . touches me. She becomes kind of shy and her words slow down and then she says something, I guess the word would be ‘meaningful’. Then she sighs with that little high pitched sound in the back of her throat. It makes me feel funny inside for some reason.

“I’ve been wanting to see this movie since I saw a trailer for it at the last ‘girley’ movie I saw (giggles). I went with a couple of girlfriends to watch it because Randy Kelly was in it and he’s SOOO cute! But, this will be a way better movie. I’ll love being able to share it . . . with somebody like you. (Sigh)!” She said to me and she got this dreamy quality to her voice and it made me all nervous.

I got all tongue tied again. Sometimes, I get these fluttery feelings and my mouth stops working entirely, you know?

“Th-th-that’s really cool!” I swear I sounded like Porky Pig! But it made her giggle that bubbly giggle she gets when she’s talking just to me. She has a hearty laugh most the time when she is laughing at a joke someone tells or at something funny she sees. It’s really quite a belly laugh coming from someone so seemingly dainty. But with me she has that . . . special laugh. It was neat to hear it though when she does it I get doubly flustered.

But then things got a little weird.

“You know, I didn’t want to say this to our folks because I didn’t want them to get all weirded out on us and not let us see ‘The Concert’, but it’s a Rated R movie. But, we can go and get tickets and stuff because the ticket guy on Saturday, if you remember, has a serious crush on me. So, we’re going to have to play it smart again, right? We’ll have to do like we did for ‘Shelter’ and you let me get in line and get the tickets and you stand off to the side. I’ll join you and we can go in afterwards. He might not sell me the tickets if he thinks I’m on a date.” I actually didn’t remember that was the reason she had me stay out of line and pay for the tickets myself when we saw ‘Shelter’, but it made sense now. I can be so dense sometimes!

“Oh . . . ok.” I must have sounded a little confused because she felt like she had to explain things more.

“It will mean more with this movie than with ‘Shelter’ even because, well, this movie has a lot of stuff going on. It’s not blood and gore that scare adults so much for their kids watching it but . . . sex is like a whole different story. Adults get more strange about that than anything else!” She sounded a little nervous talking about the stuff in the movie. It was kind of sweet, really. She must not get what a teenage boy can pull up to watch on the Internet these days. Just about nothing can shock me now. Hehehe!

“But, maybe that’s why I thought it would be kind of . . . fun to, like, watch this one with you instead of like . . . my friends and stuff. (Sig-g-gh).” She really sighed that time and it had a little shudder in it! That shudder did things to me ‘down there’. I could tell she was getting hot just thinking about Saturday and that was making me get a little hot myself!

Hey, if it’s this that’s gonna turn my ship around and ‘orientate’ me in the right direction then I’ll go watch a full on bondage porn movie with Marie if that’s what it’ll take! It’s at that point something clicked in me and I swear my voice dropped a whole octave lower when I responded to her. It came deep out of my chest too!

“Yeah . . . I think we’ll have a real good time. I like the sounds of this movie already. Heh-heh.” I almost frigging purred in her ear, dude! Where the HELL did that come from?

“Ooo . . . Well, then. That’s like r-really cool, B-Brandon. I . . . C-can’t wait (giggle)(sigh)!” Now it was Marie’s turn to sound like Porky Pig! Hehehehe!

Um . . . I’m not sure what went on tonight with that phone call, but I’m pretty sure I’m sliding in to at least First Base, whatever that is. This is so cool! It’s like I’m finally having real feelings for a girl like a normal guy! Maybe I CAN do this!

I did see Billy today. It was funny, it’s as if he can sense something’s changed between us. Not that there ever was an ‘us’, really, but the change in the closeness, I guess, is what I mean. He looked like he was actually looking for me. We were in the hallway and he was craning his neck around and trying to see through the crowd of other kids. When he saw me he smiled that big beautiful smile, but it melted away pretty quickly when I didn’t really return it with the same enthusiasm. I guess I kind of waved at him a little, but I don’t remember. It’s like I said, I just can’t, you know? It’s just too painful. As much as I plan for something different for my life and as hard as I will work to make things work with Marie, Billy’s smile will always bring out that. . . longing. But, what I want in that smile is out of reach because Billy can’t be with me in that way. He’s got his girlfriend now and I guess I have mine too. Things are falling out the way God intended I suppose.

What I feel for him can’t mean anything anymore and to keep facing it just brings me unnecessary pain. I don’t need Billy and I can’t want him so . . . it’s best just to leave things be. My dreams of being with him are like wishing for impossible things. My ‘happily ever after’ daydreams of he and I walking home together after school and him coming into my bedroom and sitting on my bed and my sitting with him there next to him. My dream where he and I hold each other and kiss and then lay back staring into each other’s eyes. My dream where I see the fire of my love for him reflected in those eyes and we roll around together giggling. These dreams . . . can never come true.

So, I move on. I move in the direction I should have gone in all along. I will go with Marie. I will become her boyfriend. We will fall in love and the dreams I had with Billy I’ll have with Marie instead. Things will work out the way they were supposed to work, out . . . and I’ll be happier for it in the long run.

This is Brandon . . . Marie’s boyfriend.

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