May 10

Ok, so, yeah.

Today was, um . . . weird.

Let’s just say that I’m about as confused and mixed up as ever and, although today definitely had some high points, it also had, well, some problems.

So today, I spent most of the day rummaging through my entire wardrobe of clothes to look for combinations that might ‘work’ together. This should have been my first clue that things couldn’t go ‘straight’ at all today. No straight boy and I bet most teen Gay boys don’t go through this kind of huge agony just picking stupid clothes! I tried EVERYTHING on at least twice and in every possible combination I could come up with. I finally came up with something that, I’ll be honest, rocked! I had forgotten I’d even gotten that particular shirt. I got it in the Eighth grade for our ‘Commencement’ Dance which was when we get to go from baby High School to less baby High School. Not that I really did anything but stand around and drink cran-cherry juice. I was WAY too geekie for any of the girls to come on to me and I was really WAY WAY too shy to ask anybody. Weird as it seemed, I actually danced a little with another guy which was fun but strange. It wasn’t touching slow dancing. It was just your typical spastic wiggling that teen boys call ‘dancing’ when Pitbull comes on. We did it as a kind of joke, but I remember getting a little ‘into’ it after a while. Hehehe! I still have a photo of that night. I have my arms crossed and I’m in the shirt and with a gray blazer on. I looked like something from a 1980s movie. Nice outfit, even on me!

So it’s a black shirt with black ‘crystal’ buttons. It has these striped ‘etched’ patterns on it that are cool. I also had a pair of tight black slacks made of a kind of thin cloth that went nice with the shirt. I also wore my good belt that I’m only supposed to wear for ‘special’ occasions like (sigh) . . . funerals. But, I decided to wear it anyway. It has a silver reflective buckle that really catches the light nice on the black on black shirt and pants.

After finding the right outfit I then spent about 45 minutes combing my stupid hair after taking a full on BATH! I almost never take baths since I like showers better, but today I did. I had no idea where things were going to end up today and, to be honest, if I ended up naked somewhere with Marie I wanted to at least smell ok if not look completely great. My skinny little body is just NOT attractive, folks! I look like a big white noodle!

Again, her dad came to pick me up but had Marie come ‘get’ me this time. Hehehehe! The two dads, mine and hers, must have planned things because I saw them looking up at each other in smug ways as she and I met on my front walkway.

“Ok. 11 PM. No later! Don’t keep Brandon up all night or he’ll be cranky in the morning!” My Dad joked. Of course, that was totally embarrassing!

“Daaa-aad!” I complained as he patted my shoulder and, sort of, lightly ‘pushed’ me on my way.

“Go get ’em, Tiger!” He made a growl out of his voice which I thought was REALLY weird!

When Marie saw me her mouth gaped open like she was seeing a zombie or something. I wasn’t sure if she was happy or horrified by what she was seeing. I tried to straighten out any wrinkles in my shirt and smooth my hair to see if it was sticking up because I was sure she was going to go ask me to change or something.

Despite being so self-conscious I noticed how lovely Marie was. She had a silky pink blouse on and jeans. Um, really TIGHT jeans. Jeeze! I was surprised that her dad let her go out like that to be honest!

She made a light giggle and came right up and threw her arms around my neck. She then KISSED my cheek! Oh, uhhh . . . that was totally unexpected right there and right in front of EVERYBODY!

“Woooow! You look GORGEOUS, Brandon! I should make you go change into a t-shirt and dirty shorts just so that I can keep you all for myself! Hahahaha! I don’t want any of those other girls getting any ideas!” She said looking me over. I think I blushed tomato red and hid my face. I remember making a half hearted giggle because I didn’t know what to say at all to that!

She lifted my chin and said something that I think will stay with me for the rest of my life: “Never look down, Baby. I can’t see your eyes when you do that and . . . that would be so sad. They light up the world when you smile!” It should have melted my effed up heart completely, but, instead, it just shocked and confused me. Why was she talking about my eyes? Why is she calling me ‘Baby’. What am I supposed to say to that? I just said “Thanks, heh. You look great too!”

‘Thanks, heh you look great too’? GOD I’m SUCH a DORK!

But, she just giggled at me and then took my hand and we walked to her dad’s car. Mr. Cross greeted me with a smile and gestured to the open door to the back seat.

“Your chariot awaits, my Prince!” He made a mock bow and then turned to go around and get in the driver’s seat. I looked at Marie and I must have made a strange face because she laughed in it.

“Hahahaha! WhatEVER! Just get in, Cutiepants!” ‘Curtiepants’? ‘Prince’?

I had a weird feeling that I was going to be taken to a basement somewhere, chained to a water heater and made to wait until Marie’s wedding day! So FREAKIN’ weird, Dude! I’m sure it was all meant just for fun, but I was weirded out already. I woke UP weirded out!

Finally we got underway and things settled down a little. Actually, I went dead quiet. I could feel my shell just pull me back into itself where I’d be ‘safe’. I realize now that this is not good ‘date behavior’ but, it was kind of instinctive. Maybe . . . things were just going a little too fast for a timid little library lion like myself. I think this might only have been my second ‘formal’ date with anybody and that first time that somebody was Marie only a couple of weeks ago. Why did I get so nervous tonight when I wasn’t so much the first time you might ask?

Simple: I felt tonight that . . . I might have to ‘perform’! Somehow or another, I’d managed to allow myself to get pushed into this weird date with this weird sexy movie with a horny thirteen year old blonde bombshell of a girl. It was make or break time, I guess. Would I or wouldn’t I be straight? I guess I was to find out.

. . . and find out I did!

I mean, her dad didn’t even give me the ‘don’t fool around with my daughter’ speech! It’s almost like he expected me to make some move. What the hell was that all about? He even winked at us and his parting greetings was: “Have fun!” and then he was off!

What did that mean? Well, read on . . .

“You’re awful quiet. Is everything cool?” Marie asked me.

“Yeah, heh. Sure! Why wouldn’t it be?” My words said one thing but I’m sure the tremble in my voice said another.

“Well, I ask ’cause your hand is a little sweaty and you’re trembling a little.” She said and she stopped us from walking all the way into the mall. People were all around and taking no notice of a teenaged girl and boy holding hands. It was the most normal and natural thing in the world to see on a Saturday night.

It is the most normal and natural thing you can think of, but then I mustn’t be normal at all because I felt soooo weird and self-conscious right then. I felt ‘wrong’. I felt ‘fake’. I felt like I was doing something totally not normal for me!

“You know, if you don’t want to see this movie we don’t have to. I kind of made this decision without you and I didn’t really figure it would be a problem. That wasn’t fair of me. I should have asked.” Marie said to me sadly and then looked at the ground.

The fact was she did ask and I accepted! As uncomfortable as I was about the whole situation I felt I needed to see it through. I had to see if I could, you know, become sexual with a girl and be ok with it. I needed to see if I could ‘like’ it like I should like it. From all the things I’ve read and stuff about dating for the first time this awkwardness was normal. It was a big step for a boy to commit to doing something like this. It was, like they say in books, a Rite of Passage.

So, I picked up her hands in mine and . . . pressed them to my lips. I kissed her hands. The look of surprise and . . . delight on her face was really precious and sweet. It did a lot to make me feel better about the whole thing. I may not be happy about this entirely, but . . . it looked like I could make her night if I just kept it up.

“We made plans and I was totally a part of it. Let’s go see this sexy movie and . . . enjoy ourselves!” I told her in a quiet voice deeper and huskier than I’d ever heard come from me before. I saw the blush rise to her cheeks and her smile spread so wide on her face.

She squeezed my hands and then lifted herself up on her tippy toes and kissed my cheek lightly. I felt the blush on my cheeks too at that moment, but, funny as it seems, the act settled down my nervousness and all my trembles and sweating sort of went away. I felt a smile appear on my face and this made Marie melt a bit seeing my apparent happiness matching hers.

What didn’t go away all the way was the feeling that . . . this was wrong. That I was playing games with this girl’s heart. That I was a fraud. But I quieted those thoughts. I couldn’t let them confuse me anymore.

So we did her deal with getting the ‘forbidden’ tickets from the clerk dude. It was too bad I’m not Out, because I might have been able to pull the same thing on his co-worker who was like TOTALLY Gay with a capital ‘G’! You didn’t even need Gaydar to see this. The bleached platinum blonde hair and lisp were sure there but it was his watching ME that was my big clue. He flashed me a nice smile and a wink more than once. He even tossed his bangs at me sort of like when a horse wants you to ‘come here’. But he was old like 19! Eeeew! So, no!

Marie got our tickets and we went in. There weren’t too many people in the theater. I think it was ‘boyfriend’s choice’ night or whatever because I think all the dates went over to see the new Robotech movie . . . total boybait. Giant robots, giant monsters, lots of explosions, lots of CGI, lots of reasons for their girlfriends to grab them in ‘terror’, that sort of thing. So, actually, I think the head count in our theater was about three, maybe four . . . tops. They all looked a lot older than us too, but they didn’t seem to pay us any mind. Even the usher just pretended not to see us. Honestly, I don’t know why they bother with movie ratings. No one pays them any attention at all!

I should have been more wary about where Marie had sat us than I was. Now that I see it in hindsight, I know it was a major setup! We were in the corner in the back row blocked in on two sides by the side wall and the back wall. The seats were right up against the wall so there was no possibility of anyone getting behind us in there. I suppose, thankfully, Marie chose the seat closest to the wall and let me have the outside seat. I suppose there was a plan to that, but I don’t really know what it would have been. I can’t even imagine it! Boy, I really AM a virgin!

So the movie started. I actually got into it! I mean the plot and all. The young guy (CUUUUTE! Reminds me of Billy) and the girl were in the same orchestra together in college and were teamed together because of their, erm, . . . instruments. He played the oboe and she played the, um . . . flute. Ok, so you gotta know there was a lot of sexual innuendo in the whole thing with the set up. So, things did naturally heat up for ‘Lorenzo’ and ‘Tina’. They started practicing more at each other’s apartments since naturally they lived off campus and could afford really expensive looking downtown lofts. Hehehe! I’m only a dumb kid and even Icould tell that was far fetched! But, the romance between the two was sweet and slow. I liked the little somethings they said to one another. The bashful giggles and finally the holding hands and the kissing.

It’s at that point in the movie that Marie gently, almost sneakily, took hold of my hand and interlaced her fingers with mine. It felt nice, warm, and it was comforting so I didn’t think too much about that. Why not? We were supposed to be on a date anyways. It should have clued me into how things were moving along. But, I’m a dumb gay boy, I don’t pick up on these things very good!

Then came the ‘good’ part.

Um, boy . . . that movie really does not set someone up for the total ‘skin fest’ that finally ‘came’ in the middle of that movie. It moved gently along like a nice little romance and then UMPH!

See, they were playing their instruments in her apartment and they got to this piece called ‘Bolero’. It was a very classical piece of music and supposedly very sexy too. Ok, um, I . . . guess people back in the day were pretty hard up for ‘sexiness’! All that music did was almost put me to sleep. But I woke up pretty quick when the music stopped and I heard smacking and moaning. The two lovebirds were like making out HARD: tongues and everything. Then the ‘HELLO-O’ heavy petting with full close ups. I had to admit that at that point I was getting a little turned on. Michael Freemont, who played ‘Lorenzo’, is fucking hot, Dude! But . . . I was to see just how hot within seconds!

The camera moved up to their smooching faces when they both stopped in mid smack and ‘Lorenzo’ gets this really sexy surprised look on his face as we all heard a zipper being undone. Um . . . I had a full on raging boner by this point. I mean, I’ve seen all kinds of sex on the Internet, but there’s something really hot about ‘movie’ sex. The actors do more than just moan and groan and say ‘harder’ until the disappointing ending. They get all . . . into it, you know? Michael’s pink lips got full, his cheeks got red, and he then got this super sexy look of pure ecstasy on his face as you KNEW what Tina was doing to him. Without having to show a thing, you just knew he was getting the most mind-blowing handjob EVAR! His whimpers and moans were so-ooo hawwwt! It may have been that he looked like a grown up Billy that really got me going! It was almost like looking at a version of my sexy dream from the other night.

I suppose it was at this point that I squirmed in my seat to try to get more comfortable and then sighed hard or something. It’s really hard to get comfortable when you have a hard-on that can cut diamonds in pants you should not have worn quite so tight.

But . . . Marie, the sly little vixen, was perfectly happy about my ‘tight’ situation. Her hand slowly unwound itself from mine which was extremely sweaty by now. But her hand didn’t leave me. I was distracted enough to where I didn’t quite notice that she’d sneaked herself up closer to snuggle in next to me in the movie seats. These seats had arm rests you could raise between you and your partner and the seats themselves were flat enough so that they kind of acted like a lumpy couch. She was able to scootch up next to me and she used her hand on my thigh for balance.

Just as she did that the sex scene got much hotter!

‘Tina’s’ clothes came off as if by magic. She stood ‘Lorenzo’ up in front of her and tugged his pants down in full view of the camera with his back turned to it. This movie is OBVIOUSLY a ‘chick flick’ soft-porno. I get that now. But at the time, all I could think of was . . . ass. Beautiful, pale, flesh colored mounds cut in two by a perfect cleft housing the dirty little treasure every boy has but never wants anyone to know about. ‘Lorenzo’ spread his legs a bit in front of the camera just so you could get a hint of the family jewels. This movie was a little stronger than an ‘R’ I think.

They cut a shot to his face and ‘Lorenzo’ was biting his lower lip and looking like he was in so much pleasure it hurt! Oh my god! A blowjob scene! Marie must have known about that! It was all planned! It HAD to be!

You didn’t see things in mouths and you didn’t hear any overt ‘slurping’ but you knew by subtle movements what ‘Tina’ was doing. That and ‘Lorenzo’s’ beautiful butt cheeks would flex every now and then like he was really pushing it in and out of her mouth. Gawd! He’d also let out a soft moan now and then . . . a moan I’d echo as my stiffness got even harder!

I was so gone and so close, I couldn’t have resisted Marie even if I tried.

My breath caught in my throat and I gulped hard when she reached down and felt me up. I heard a little gasp come out from between her lips as she felt my boyhood for the first time. She leaned her head on my shoulder and just started rubbing and squeezing and pressing on me through the ultra thin material of my slacks and boxer briefs. Oh gawd did it feel good! I heard a deep groan come up from out of my very center as I let my breath go finally. This got an echoing moan from Marie as she started to stroke me through my pants. I started to pant and I completely melted into my seat and felt myself lean my head against Marie’s.

Despite all of this, I felt something inside that resisted. Something tried to tell me this was all wrong! But I was beyond the point of no return. There would be no stopping at that point.

Fortunately, she never undid me so that I’d be, like, fully ‘exposed’ in the middle of a public theater, but when she found the head of my stiffy near my pocket and began to work it fast between her fingers I couldn’t hold back anymore. My body’d taken over entirely. My hips began grinding and pumping and my straining member kept pushing harder against her massaging hand and my tight clothing. I started panting and breathing harder and harder!

“Marie! No! Please! I’m gonna . . . ” I warned her in a whisper between strained gasps and whimpers. In all truth, the LAST thing I wanted her to do was to STOP!

“Why do ya think I’m doing it, Baby?” She whispered into my ear with desperate sexiness and then nibbled on my sensitive earlobe. I’m thinking, maybe she could succeed in ‘straightening’ me out? Actually, I could very well have thought such a thing right then, but I wasn’t thinking very much at all at that moment. Rational thought had gone out the window a long time before that. All I could think about was the surging pleasure that was building up in me to become a climax as strong if not stronger than when JOEseph did me in the shower. Watching the increased bouncing of ‘Lorenzo’s’ beautiful butt as he basically destroyed ‘Tina’s’ love tunnel on the couch was about to send me right over the edge!

‘Lorenzo’ let out a loud bellow as he simulated a ball-busting orgasm while I bit down on the heel of my hand to stifle a scream of my own! Fortunately for Marie and I, all that came out of me was a high pitched squeak as I basically thrust myself hard into Marie’s skillful hand and exploded. She must have felt the pulsing wetness happen through my pants because I just soaked myself in there. I was soooo embarrassed! As soon as the crashing waves of pleasure stopped wracking through me and I stopped jerking with electric jolts, I felt very ashamed too.

Marie was beside herself with her own squirming and I looked over and saw that she’d been working herself too and with a high shuddering moan she melted into my shoulder and proceeded to kiss and suck on my neck passionately. She didn’t seem ashamed at all! She looked like she felt . . . satisfied.

Thus went my first sexual encounter with a girl!

I got up and away from her to go to the bathroom to clean up. I guess I was a little quick about it because she whispered out to me with what sounded like worry. I think she felt that maybe she’d gotten a little carried away with me tonight. I think she may have been right.

I went into the bathroom stall in the men’s bathroom and cleaned myself up the best I could with toilet paper. I even put some in my underwear to try and soak stuff up. It didn’t work really well, but at least I wasn’t going to be ‘squishing’ as I walked anymore.

It was then that a wave of emotion swept over me. It was a feeling of sadness I couldn’t explain. Maybe it was a sense of disappointment mixed with shame and any number of other things. The whole thing just felt like an emotional soup that just came to the surface and boiled over. It was all mixed up in ways I couldn’t understand at all. I still can’t.

With nothing else that I could do with these emotions I began to cry. I didn’t laugh, because nothing I felt was funny. I just felt so . . . bad. I hadn’t been ready for this. I hadn’t wanted this. I hadn’t really wanted this with Marie at all. I felt like something precious had been taken from me. Something that I’d been reserving for . . .


When, I guess, I’d been in the bathroom for too long I heard Marie call after me. She sounded SO worried. I didn’t mean to make her evening miserable. I had actually hoped to do the exact opposite! I came out of the bathroom and she looked really horrified when she saw that I’d been crying.

“Oh . . . Brandon. I didn’t mean to . . . I didn’t mean to!” She said with a creak in her own voice. I took hold of her and gave her a hug. A . . . friendly hug, like, I guess, a big brother might give.

“It’s ok. I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have let things get so carried away. It’s my fault.” I said to her trying to console her. That’s when she pulled away from me and looked rather cross at me. Ha, a cross Cross. Oh well, I guess you had to have been there.

“Nothing’s your fault, Brandon Temple! You are the sweetest guy I’ve ever met! You deserve to be happy! You deserve to be made to feel good. You deserve to feel as wonderful as you are!” She hugged me again, only this time tighter. I was kind of a afraid she’d might ‘try’ something again, but she didn’t.

“Come on, Hot Stuff! I’ll get us some pizza. To hell with steak!” She took me by the arm and lead me away.

We ate. We laughed. We stayed friends. We forgot the movie and all that other stuff.

When she and her dad dropped me off back home she didn’t attempt to kiss me. She just gave me the ‘friend-hug’ thing again, smiled, said ‘See yas’ and was on her way.

Indeed, Marie Cross is my best friend at the moment, and with the subtle way she left me tonight, I have a feeling that’s the way things will stay.

My Dad, naturally, wanted a blow by blow. He even noticed something on the place on my neck that Marie had been kissing so hard. He got a blush on his face and a wicked, devilish smile.

“My boy’s got his first HICKEY!!” He did ‘fist bumps’ with me which I did although it made me feel REALLY REALLY REALLY weird to do it! This was my Dad here seeing this ‘bodily evidence’ of . . . what Marie and I did tonight. I felt shame again, but did my best to hide it from him. He probably knew full well what the hickey meant and was actually proud of it for me! I didn’t want to ruin that for him, I guess.

But, sorry Dad. I got passed ‘Second Base’ tonight, I think. But, I don’t think I’ll ever make it all the way to Third Base, much less ‘Home Plate’. This is because I wasn’t making love to Marie tonight. I was making love to ‘Lorenzo’ and his beautiful body, a perfect stand in for . . .

. . . Billy Chase’s.

This is Brandon . . . sucking at Baseball.

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