May 18

So, um . . .

Any hope I had at all with Billy is gone now.

I found out at the Mall, of all places. I was there again today. It’s become my ritual after my Saturdays with Marie. I might call it my ‘cleaning up day’. Nothing really happened yesterday, but I did ‘neck’ with her a bit or rather, let her ‘neck’ me. We went to the park and she found a spot by a pond she knew. We had a picnic and after we ate we just, sort of, laid there in the grass in the sun. It was warm and should have been wonderful. I suppose it was wonderful for her, but it was just weird for me. I didn’t ‘get it up’ for her today, though I think she was hoping I would. Marie’s gotten, kind of, ‘fixed’ on that thing that happened at the movies. It’s like she’d like to do more, but she didn’t push it.

But, we did kiss and she gave me another hickey. That should make my Dad happy. It should make me happy, but . . . I don’t know.

Anyway, so today I went to the Mall and you know who I bumped into?


Yeah, Billy’s Sam.

He’s a good friend, I’ll give him that, but he does have a BIG mouth! He recognized me, I guess, from when Billy would talk to me. He greeted me like an old friend. He’s a nice sort, really, and he is very good looking, but smug in a way that should be cute, I guess. He’s your average blue eyed blonde All American boy next door type.

I was really surprised that he’d see me and actually come and talk. I wasn’t sure there’d be enough of a ‘connection’ there for anything like that, but, Sam makes me think that he’s not one for ‘shyness’. I was at a table in the food court eating Lo Mein from Chinese Express and spacing out when I heard a semi-strange voice next to me.

“Uh, heya . . . Brandon!” The low teen buzz of his voice was only familiar to me because I’d remembered it being with Billy’s ‘chirp’ always. I must have turned on him too fast because he startled me. He, kind of, jumped back when I snapped around to look at him.

“Whoa, Dude! Didn’t mean to like scare ya or nothin’. I just thought I’d drop by and say ‘hi’. So . . . Hi! I’m Sam, by the way, ‘case you forgot.” Sam said with a killer smile. It made me blush a bit despite myself. I wondered why he was being so nice to me. He’d never bothered with me at all before.

“No worries. I was spacing out anyways. So what’s up? Where’s . . . uh . . . where’s Billy?” I was curious about that and disappointed, though I tried to keep the disappointment out of my voice as much as possible. At the Mall, Billy and Sam are usually glued at the hip like Siamese Twins. This was weird seeing Sam without his cute little ‘Billy’ accessory, hehehe!

“Oh, nothin’. I was, like, bored and shit. Billy’s at home. Didn’t want to come out today for some weird reason.” Sam shrugged. He actually looked sad, lonesome, and had that ‘lost puppy’ look. Awww! But, honestly, today I wish he had STAYED lost! (Sigh).

The thing about Billy being shut-in today worried me a bit. I hoped he was alright. I hoped he wasn’t sick or in trouble or something bad! So I had to ask: “Oh? Is he Ok?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure. He sounded like he just wanted a ‘Veg Day’. He’s had a lot going on lately. I’m actually SUPER excited for him! At last! He’s managed to wake up long enough to notice girls finally! I was getting worried there for a while. I’d wondered if his balls hadn’t dropped or somethin’. Hehehe!” Sam giggled. I did too . . . for effect. Actually, at that moment, I wanted to get as far away from Sam and as far away from Billy’s Girlfriend business as possible!

“But, Dude! My ‘Brotha From Anotha,’ he never does ANYTHING half way! When he lands himself a chick he scores the Prom Queen! Joanna Douglas, Dude! The Dreamgirl of Dreamgirls! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve launched some Little Sammies right into the air thinkin’ about that Babe! Holy Fuck! The TITS on that girl! Billy is a STUD! Woo Hoo!” Sam’s grin was ear to ear and he reached out to do fist bumps with me. I did it, though I, kind of, wanted to give Sam fist bumps to his nose, a bit.

Oh dear God in heaven, I don’t know how I lasted at that table as long as I did!

“He and Joanna just had their first ‘official’ date together on Friday. I’ve been at him ever since trying to frigging DIG details out of him about any ‘stuff’ that might have gone on. I know it was just the first date and all, but, Joanna’s HOT for Billy. I can almost smell it when she comes by to see him when I’m there. He must have got a kiss or a hickey or something! It’s so FRUSTRATING! I wanna know how close they are to Doing The Deal! I know Billy. I know all his tricks! I KNOW he gets hard enough to cut diamonds when Joanna comes up and starts the Girl Thing on him in the hall or lunch line or whatever. I think I saw her blow in his fucking ear last time, for God’s sake! The book bag over the crotch deal is just . . . every Dude in school does that when they get a stiffy! He ain’t hidin’ NOTHIN’! When’s he gonna give up the jewels? Joanna is basically drooling for a taste, Dude!” Sam kept going ON and ON about Billy’s boner and Joanna and whatever! All I wanted to do was find some way to melt into the floor and disappear!

“I’m bettin’ it’ll be Date Number Two when Joanna gives it up. She’s playin’ hard to get right now, but not for much longer! Girls always gotta play games like this, you know?” I kept thinking to myself over and over ‘please shut the fuck up Sam’! Each word encouraging Billy to stick it to Joanna was sticking an icicle right into my heart!

Then came the real reason for his ‘great’ company today.

“So like . . .” and Sam scooches over closer and leans over the table at me and starts whispering, “. . . did Billy give up any details to you? Like, he thinks you’re too cool for school and all, so maybe he told you some stuff about ‘stuff’ he hasn’t gotten around to telling me yet?” Sam’s breath, sweet as puppy breath, coming from behind those smiling pretty pink lips . . . was the most sickening thing I’d smelled in months. I had to hide the fact that I, basically, wanted to throw up my Lo Mein in his lap. But, I don’t think I was very convincing looking ‘ok’ with our little ‘talk’ today.

“Uh . . . no. Not really. Billy and I don’t talk about stuff like that and . . . maybe you shouldn’t either. He’s your friend and . . . you should really respect his privacy and stuff. So . . .” I looked at my watch, not really caring about the time, but needing something to look at that looked like a reason for me to leave as FAST as possible.

“Dude! Come on! We’re just talkin’ here! Don’t be, like, ‘mad’ or whatever!” Sam, kind of, looked annoyed and shocked that I was leaving so soon. I think he thought he offended me or something. In fact, he did, but not for the reasons he may have thought. Those reasons would be things I would NEVER tell Sam in a million billion years! What a fucking blabbermouth!

“Oh. No, I’m not mad, Sam. I’m just late for something. My Dad needed me to get something for him at the, um, Drug Store. So, uh, catch you later, K?” With that I was off and I didn’t look back.

I didn’t want him to see the tears in my eyes! I didn’t want to give Billy’s Sam that satisfaction or whatever!

Just like me, Billy is heading for sex with a girl. Society is having it’s way with both of us: girlfriends and ‘normal’ relationships. From the sounds of things, that’s just what Billy has wanted all along. Of course it would be, Billy is straight . . . the only thing now is . . . I KNOW he’s straight for a fact. So, like I said . . .

. . . any hope I had at all with Billy is gone now.

This is Brandon . . . going to throw up.

May 19

I didn’t go to school today.

After yesterday’s meet-up with Sam I guess I just couldn’t deal. I went to sleep with this terrible ache in my heart that just wouldn’t go away and in the morning it had moved to my head.

Lucky me, another fucking migraine. God must be punishing me, that’s all.

I managed to get out of bed and limp out to the living room to ask my Dad if I could stay home today. Apparently that was a no brainer because I looked like ‘death warmed over’ as my Dad put it. He felt my head for a fever but just felt the clammy cold of my skin instead. We agreed it was this damned migraine thing that was back. Thanks Sam, you big mouthed douchenozzel! You stressed me into another skull splitting headache.

Dad sent me back to bed, where I was VERY glad to go, and he gave me one of my pills with a glass of orange juice. It’s funny how good orange juice can taste sometimes when you feel sick to your stomach.

The pill must have put me to sleep ’cause I woke up after my Dad had left for work by about two hours. He left a note saying to call him if I got worse and call 911 if things got really bad. They didn’t, thankfully. I felt good enough to get up and go out to the couch in my undies and a blanket and watch TV until the afternoon. I must have dozed off again because the next thing I knew my Dad was shaking me awake saying he had brought home ‘Migraine Food’.

Yes, there is such a thing, and considering I’d not eaten anything all day it smelled DAMNED good! He’d managed to get a steak and baked potato dinner to go from The Cleaver downtown. It was so good of my Dad to do that. These dinners can’t be cheap, but . . . they do manage to make me feel better after I eat them. There’s something about the combination of steak, potato, and salad with ‘white’ dressing that works.

We ate and I watched a bit more TV with him and now . . . here I am. Nearly as good as new.

I still have that ache in my heart though. I wish baked potatoes and steak could cure me of my case of the ‘Billys’, but . . . I guess not.

It will be hard going back to school tomorrow with the chance I might see him. I really rather not be reminded of what I can’t have. Maybe, if I just stay out near the bleachers or in Home Room for study hall he won’t be able to find me and I can have the time I need to, well, forget about him.

We’ll see . . .

This is Brandon . . . Full of ‘Migraine Food’.

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