That was the familiar ‘chirp’ I heard today from the one I can never have
I had to go to the library today because I had to get a book I needed for a social science essay. The library was the only place I could go and find it. Plus, I’ve missed my library a lot. I lived in there before the whole Billy thing, basically. I like it when I have books surrounding me. I like to read and I like to study in there. I also like that, even though she’s a bitch-and-a-half, the librarian keeps out the troublemakers for the most part.
But, she couldn’t keep Billy out. Sweet, little, innocent Billy wasn’t going to do anyone any harm. Even if he did call out my name a bit loudly for the library, no one yelled at him about it. I just wished, well, that he’d kind of not come in today. I just wasn’t ready for him at all. He, like, tempts me, you know? He makes me want things I . . . can never have and probably shouldn’t even want to have.
But, I didn’t have the heart to just tell him to go away. Despite the changes I want to make in my Gayness and despite the knowledge that I know Billy is straight, I couldn’t help loving how near he was to me today. He could tell something was up with me, but that something I could never ever tell him. I don’t know what I’d do if he found out how I feel about him and then have him turn on me. Oh, that would just suck so bad, you know?
So, I kept my guard up and tried not to ‘feel’ too much. I was sure that if I looked up into those beautiful liquid brown eyes that I’d be lost and he’d see it and then . . . well then that would be that, I suppose.
Also, on some level, I didn’t want to make Billy uncomfortable or weirded out in any way about having another boy want him in that way. I really don’t want anything I do to give him sick, sad, or confused feelings because he’s found out that a boy really has it bad for him.
But then who am I really kidding here? The real reason for my being weird with Billy today is because . . . just being near him at all is overwhelming. I almost let it go on him today.
Um wow . . . now that I read that back that sounds kind of . . . off! Well, I guess we can really get what’s going on in my mind now, huh? I’ll just keep it and not edit it out. Hehehe! Because it’s true! I’d really, really love to ‘let it go’ on him. Right there: that’s the kind of the problem I’m having wrapped up with a big fat bow.
It’s just so awkward when I’m near him and I want to kiss him until his lips turn purple! I can’t even talk to him ok. I get all butterflied up in my stomach and I get really nervous and start sweating. I had to hide my hands so that he wouldn’t see me leaving stains on the table! Sooo gross! Billy drives me CRAZY! When he’s near I can smell him! He smells like vanilla, did you know that? Billy is freaking edible, dude. I’m serious as a heart attack! He’s completely edible! I could eat him alive!
How do you sit next to and act normal with a straight boy that you’d swallow whole the minute you stripped his pants off? You can’t, that’s how!
So, I wasn’t normal! Not at all! I got so shy that I could only answer him in one syllable words. He looked hurt and I am so-o sorry about that. I’m sure he thought I didn’t like him at all with my strange behavior today, but, actually, it’s like the total opposite.
I like him too much!
This is Brandon the Insane
Not much to report for a Saturday.
I spent virtually ALL of it online with Franc and Rick (Francois and Cedrick). We started a new game called Skyrim which has better special effects than World of Warcraft. I had more trouble getting into the ‘lore’ or story of the game, though. We all got pretty bored with it, actually, because it was hard to get to ‘level’ in it (that’s where you graduate to the next experience level for your little player guy) and so we all broke off and did goofy things instead.
I didn’t know this about Franc, but he’s something of a hacker and probably like you are Nameless Hacker. He’s able to find ‘Mods’ to games and tweak them so they’ll work on our games. He found a particularly sick one for Skyrim. It’s a ‘nudity mod’! Some sick puppy out there had managed to redraw all the character models so that they could be ‘anatomically correct’. Franc, naturally, managed to find this and put it to use being the giant perv that he is. He had us all download the change file and then install it. I wasn’t sure it could work on my Mac or not, but it actually did!
I’m not sure that was a great thing, though, because that’s when Franc got plenty weird, especially at Rick’s expense. See, Franc appeared out of nowhere with his character completely NUDE and in HD detail. Franc snuck up behind Rick and did a ‘ninja’ thing which knocked Rick’s character down on his back. Franc then went and totally TEA BAGGED Rick’s character in like super-speed mode! I laughed so hard I fell off my chair! I was making such a racket that my Dad had to come in to see what was up. He cracked up too and then did the ‘responsible’ Dad thing and told me not to goof around too much and get some sleep because of Church in the morning. Hehehe! He didn’t even care that one cartoon character was basically face raping another cartoon character. I think Dad knows more about how these games work than all of us!
So, that was my Saturday. No Marie. No Billy. No Worries. Just plain old fun with my two silly-ass best friends from across the pond.
I’m totally moving to Europe one day. I’ll take it over suburban America any day of the week.
This is Brandon prepping to become Eurotrash!
So, Marie and I did our Saturday deal per the usual, except we did it on Sunday instead. The families didn’t do the usual brunch thing after church because Marie’s dad was sick with the flu and Jamie wasn’t feeling very good either. It seems like the flu bug has a taste for the male Crosses this go around. Marie and her mom were just fine. Fortunately, my Dad and I had gotten flu shots earlier so we weren’t going to get touched, thank God. I think Jamie was actually turning green when I saw him get taken home from school Friday. Marie’s mom left her in my Dad’s care since her mom didn’t want Marie exposed any more than she’d already had been to the men in the family.
When we got to the Mall we really started getting into this conversation about color coordination. Um, if Marie hasn’t figured out after this that I’m a total flamer then I don’t know what it will take to convince her. Sheesh! Color coordination? This is what I’m good at?
We actually went shopping together and that is something I do fairly well, even for a boy. I find it particularly fun when I can ‘play dress-up’ with someone else. That way I don’t have to do all the work of trying things on myself, but still have the fun of picking out clothes that would look nice. Yes, I totally had a Ken Doll when I was a little kid. My mom thought it was ‘cute’ that I liked to play dress up with him. My Dad insisted that I use the ‘Ken’ doll as opposed to the Barbie because it was ‘less girly’. That may have been a big mistake because now I like ‘Kens’ more than ‘Barbies’. I’ve always liked Ken better anyway. I guess, I’ve always had a thing for hot blondes! Oh hell, there I go again! I’m so-o Gay.
I went sideways again didn’t I? I’m sorry . . .
Speaking of gay: So, Marie and I were at Abercrombie checking out sweaters. I was trying to convince her that the spring green would look better on her than that bluck throw-up salmon pink she was looking at when I saw that little Gay ‘AJ’ guy again. He was alone this time which was kind of unusual for him. Well, at least it was for the times I’ve seen him.
He was staring HARD at something. He stopped in front of the Abercrombie store just outside the door and just, sort of, locked on to something. I got curious so I excused myself from Marie who was bound and determined to buy that throw-up pink thing. She was too focused on it and shoes to care about what I was up to. I did my ‘hide behind the shirts’ routine again, although, in reality, they were skirts this time. The general darkness inside Abercrombie helped hide me too. I peeked out from over the rack to check AJ’s line of sight.
Do you know who I saw that AJ was looking at? None other than BILLY CHASE himself!
He was the one with the gaggle of ‘girlfriends’ around him this time. He also had a tall drink of water next to him yapping and making Billy laugh and look . . . shy . . . all at the same time! The boy was a hunk, no doubt about that. He was blondish and a little taller than me by maybe an inch, but not much more than that. The tall dude was all into Billy to the point where even the girl I thought was this guy’s girlfriend couldn’t seem to get his attention.
More disturbing still was the look on AJ’s face as he looked at Billy sauntering on his way with his gaggle. AJ was grinning from ear to ear like he was being the one-man audience to Billy’s naked strip tease. Truly, Billy just glowed in the center of everyone. The smile, the animated expressions and gestures, the way he was just beautifully present in that moment with those with him. At that moment, his beauty for me existed in just the way he was. Billy was beautiful in his personality as well as in his ‘cunning’ body, as Cedrick would put it. AJ liked this too . . . and that’s when I got jealous. BIG TIME jealous!
How dare he! I’m the only one that has a right to creep on Billy behind his back without him knowing! But, then it got worse!
Billy caught sight of AJ and got this delighted deer-in-the-headlights look of recognition! I doubt he could have helped himself. He apparently had seen or run into AJ too during his times at the Mall because it was a look like he knew AJ. This just made AJ smirk like a fisherman who’d just hooked a big fat juicy fish! So, basically I said to myself, ‘FUCK THIS’ and totally came out of hiding!
“Hey! AJ right?” I called to him from inside the store.
Of course, this caused AJ to twist around to look for the person calling his name from the darkness. He did it with such a swish that I swore he was trying to ‘girl flip’ the long hair he didn’t have. He had a hand on his hip and a look of being ‘put out’ about having his perving interrupted. Hehehe! What a ‘fag’! When he saw it was me, though, his whole attitude changed from fake attitude to real shock. It was like AJ caught the deer-in-headlights bug from Billy. He got himself together pretty quickly, though.
“Oh! Well hello there, Handsome! Where the hell have you been? I looked and looked and didn’t’ see you anywheres? It made me feel so-o ‘sad’.” AJ made an overblown ‘sad’ face at me and despite his bitch-fag routine he did it in a playful way that made his green-blue eyes twinkle. He was happy to see me. I could tell by the sudden swelling in his tight white slim-cut jeans. Somehow, this and my jealousy that AJ should perv on MY Billy, gave me a bit of courage with AJ. Something clicked inside of me and an attitude popped out I’d never felt in me before. I felt myself, like, swagger out from behind the skirts. AJ actually swallowed hard when he saw me slowly walk over to him slinky-like. I had no idea what I was doing, it seemed like instinct or something. Maybe I had a level of comfort being ‘myself’ in front of AJ because I knew he was Gay as a lark.
“I’ve been really busy. So, uh, what have you been, like, . . . up to?” I asked, looking down on AJ’s short self. I think my eyes wandered to his package when I asked. He looked me in the crotch a couple of times too and then back up into my eyes and lost some of his composure.
“I g-get up for a lot of things, Tiger. But, today I was just, like, . . . cruisin’. I totally cruised that blonde bombshell over there. Wasn’t he the one you kind of took a fancy to the last time we met?” AJ smiled at me with a sneaky sly smile that made my skin crawl a bit. He was not subtle about trying to dig me out of my closet.
But, I’ve been a master at pretend for most of my life. AJ wasn’t going to get anywhere with me that way. My closet door was nicely locked and would stay that way!
“Oh . . . who?” Then I pretended to look up and see Billy sashaying away with the tall dude hanging on his every word. Billy really is the Belle of the Ball, ya know?
“Oh, please! You know very well who I mean, Mr. Bright Eyes! That one over there. I’ve been ‘stalking’ him all afternoon. I think I’m gonna to get a taste of that rump roast pretty soon now.” AJ was virtually drooling. As a matter of fact, I think I saw a dribble slide down his precious little chin. It was weird that he was completely comfortable telling me this. It was like he was talking dirty with someone he already knew was Out. I grabbed hold of this as an opportunity to get out of this sticky situation.
“Oohhh! You mean BILLY? You must be, like, Gay or something then, huh?” That was a good one on me. It put AJ totally on the defensive! But, not as much as I thought I would.
“Tsk! Like what do you think ‘twinkle toes’? I bet I watch as many episodes of Vanderpump Rules as you do!” AJ rolled his eyes at me but gave me a friendly ‘I can’t believe you’ smile. Blast the boy to Hell, he has a beautiful smile and somehow he KNOWS too much!
“Vander-who?” I must have cocked my head and looked confused because I honestly didn’t know what AJ was talking about. I had to look that show up on the TV guide to find out what it was. I still wouldn’t watch it even knowing what it’s about now.
Just then I felt an arm tuck around mind and lock into place. Marie’s timing couldn’t have been better for me! AJ was getting too good at his Outing tactics for my comfort.
She gave him an electrifying smile that would have put any straight boy down for the count. AJ was merely stunned and I think it was more to do with my having a girlfriend than it was her brain melting beauty.
“Who’s your new friend, Brandon?” Marie asked sweetly.
“Oh, well this is AJ. We met here a couple of months back.” Marie reached to shake his hand which AJ did reluctantly.
“Aj, this is my girlfriend Marie!”AJ just blinked at me a couple times with a numb look. Hehehe!
“Well, we got to get going Marie. I saw Billy over there a second ago. He was with his girlfriend too! I thought we could go say hi!” I said to Marie who nodded like she liked the idea. Her eyes were still scanning the mysterious AJ and basically doing that girl thing of taking a guy apart piece by piece in her mind so that she could figure them out. My mom told me about this once and, although I didn’t have CLUE what she was talking about then, I get it now.
“Come on! Let’s catch up with them! Bye AJ!” I said while gently tugging Marie away from the mental surgery she was performing on poor AJ. As for AJ, he just stood there staring at me like I’d grown two heads! Hehehe! I supposed that this was the first time his ‘Gaydar’ didn’t ‘work’.
Well, unfortunately for me, his Gaydar is just fine and that’s why I had to short circuit it to put an end to him chasing either Billy or me anymore. That said, I don’t think this will be the last I’ll hear from AJ. I have a feeling he isn’t that easy to put off a trail.
I never did end up saying ‘hi’ to Billy and this was mostly due to the fact that Marie had no idea who I was talking about. Also, his being with all those other people around just made me nervous. So, Marie and I just went to the game place we like going to. After that my Dad picked us up and drove Marie home. I didn’t tell him about any of the boys I saw today. He wouldn’t have been interested anyway. He wanted to hear ALL about my ‘date’ with Marie. He’s so excited about that and it made me blush to think what my Dad must be thinking about our friendship.
I told him about shopping and lunch and the game house, etc. But definitely nothing about AJ or Billy. The less he knows about that the better.
In any case, It’s time to go to sleep now. More tomorrow if anything interesting happens. As Cedrick says, ‘Ta-Ta’!
This is Brandon the AJ Slayer!