It can be a lot of fun to truly go all in and give yourself over to the idea of the ‘perfect’ relationship. To just believe in fate, and eternal soulmates, and all of that. It’s a good thing! it really is. But, as many of us know from experience…things don’t always turn out for the best in those situations. It takes a painful journey of trial and error to find that special somebody, more times that not.

But…sometimes you really do feel a connection with someone that you thought wasn’t the one for you, or vice versa. And it can be a difficult road back to what you two once had together. But…is it worth it?

This time around, the question is…can you make up and get back together with someone that you parted ways with earlier? I mean, people can change, right? They can mature and finally see the value in whatever it was that you had to offer them? But…on the other hand…if you were incompatible the first time around, as partners, or even just as friends…what’s changed? If you broke up once…wouldn’t you break up again? I’ve always said that if you and your significant other don’t ever argue, then one of you isn’t being honest about how they feel. Nobody agrees 100% of the time. That’s not love. That’s control and submission. Not as satisfying.

So, when it comes to breaking up with someone, and potentially getting back together with them later on…what are your thoughts on that? Is it possible to mend old wounds and start over from scratch? Or does ‘breaking up’ mean ‘breaking up’, and you’d only be putting yourself back in the same old situation where you’ll be aching to break up again?

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“From my experience, no you can’t, and once it’s over it’s over. Chances are you’ll want to recreate whatever it is you had with that person, flaws and all, and it’s just not going to happen. You’ve changed and grown, and so have your expectations of what you want out of a relationship, and that could be a new source of friction. Or maybe you’ve grown and matured, but the other person hasn’t and expects the same dynamic that existed before.

I mean, you broke up for a reason, right? And chances are that reason is still there, at the forefront. I don’t believe you can recreate that magic once the spell has been broken. Can you make it work? Sure, but it takes a lot more work than trying with someone new. Personally, I’m not sure that extra work is worth it in a lot of cases. It’s very possible that you came to realize that they don’t have as much to offer you as you once thought they did.” – Anonymous

“I think so. But there’s a line somewhere. Like, how bad the reason for the breakup was, or the amount of times you’ve separated. At some point it’s clear that you’re just not right for each other.

Everyone has arguments and sometimes couples have time apart, sometimes they can be fixed, and other times they can’t.

Also, sometimes if they’ve been a part for a while, a lot of emotional growth can occur in the meantime and maybe enough to make it work a second time around.

Something like that happened with me and a girlfriend I had. When I was 15, we dated, we broke up, we were just too immature and we were wanting different things. And we met again like four years later, when I was about 19. We were both much more mature and we seemed to get along well, I could imagine us both of being much better together than we had been the first time around. But it wasn’t meant to be by then. We were good friends for a long time though. But I was sure by then that I’d never be happy in a relationship with a girl.” – Mike

“Honestly its hard for me to say cause people can mess up but sometime it hard to forgive but I’m pretty sure that if your meant to be with someone it’ll happen. My mom always told me love isn’t enough yo make a relationship work and it’s sad seeing people love each other but life just doesn’t make it work out.

I think it can work out tho since every couple has argued before and you can probably just break up while your pissed at the other but a lot of times I’m sure well find a way to fix the problem.” – Hardpointz

“I think that relationships, in general, take work. Real effort. I saw a quote once that basically said, ‘love is what you feel when you get used to all of the things you don’t like about your partner’. Hehehe, and there might be some truth to that. Nobody’s perfect. And even if you’re totally compatible, that doesn’t mean that every day is going to be full of sunshine and rainbows. What matters most is the love you feel for one another despite the bullshit you may put each other through when you’re feeling feisty.

Now, I’m a hopeless romantic, myself. Anybody who has ever read any of my stories knows that romance is in my blood. I’ll never get rid of it. Hehehe! But I’m also very aware of what my relationships are when it comes to certain people. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t love or care for them, or that I’m looking to hold some sort of grudge against them…but I know when my interactions with certain people become hopeless. Or toxic. And I just…I can’t be a part of that. It just becomes self abuse at some point, and you have to know when to let certain situations go.

If I’m pouring my heart out to someone, or trying to contact you, or just want to feel some kind of reciprocation from my significant other…and they can’t be bothered to just drop me a line every now and then? Even if it’s just a quick note to say, “Hey I’m really busy right now! But I love you!” If you can’t do that…then that hurts. There’s only so much of that treatment that I can take. If I’m giving you my heart and telling you that I love you every day, but all you do is complain about how it’s not enough? I can’t deal with that either. I shouldn’t have to exhaust myself beyond my limits to ‘prove’ that I love you when I’m already making a major effort to let you know that I do. And…if you CHEAT on me??? Then we’re done. Point blank period! That’s crossing a line that I simply won’t stand for. Cheating on me is not a mistake or a moment of weakness. That’s a willing decision to end our relationship, as far as I’m concerned. So yeah…just know…if I’m ever dating you, and some other hot boy catches your eye? He’d better be worth it! Because you’ll never hear from me again after you indulge in that moment.

Now…if any of these things cause me to break up with my partner, man or woman…can we get back together? And that’s a difficult question to answer. I’m quick to forgive people for any mistakes that they’ve made. And, good times or bad, I tend to really hold a deep love and a sense of attachment for people no matter what. I mean that. Once I love you, I pretty much love you for LIFE! It doesn’t go away. We may have conflicts, or a bad history between us, and we might fight and argue all the time…but the love is still there. There are people right here on this site who will tell you that they have been on the wrong end of my fury on many different occasions, and I’ll give you both barrels if I think you deserve it…but if they needed some help or wanted to talk to me, the can write me any time and I’ll be there. Always. That’s the God’s honest truth. Even when it comes to my own abusive father…I don’t LIKE him! But I love him. It’s just who I am as a person.

Can relationships be rebuilt? I think it’s possible. But only if we both find a way to actually change. Only if there’s a compromise and a commitment to do things differently the second time around. If it’s just a matter of ‘let’s get back together and do the same thing all over again’, then no thank you. If you were selfish before, if you were clingy and needy before, if you were jealous and paranoid before, if you were tempted and disloyal before…and you haven’t changed? Forget it. No. I do believe that people can change, but only if they want to. And if you can’t be self aware enough to know what was wrong with you in the first place, don’t expect me to explain it to you.

I’m a really EASY ‘win’! You know? Make me smile, give a little support, an occasional compliment…you’ve got me hooked for life! I’m not hard to impress. Hehehe! So if you scare me away…that’s on you. I won’t stand for it. There’s plenty of people out there who will appreciate me for who I am. You could have been one of them. But you blew it. Better luck next time. :P” – Comicality

“Ah, break ups. Interesting topic – and another one where I have not really much experience. I hope not too much of it will be added in the future. 😀
I think there are different approaches on that. Some people just do things and find themselves in the same relationship after two or three break-ups. But I am not such a person.

Before I make an important decision, I think well about it. I am not hasty.
And breaking up is a big thing for me. Usually I would not get together again with someone that I had a breakup with before. It possibly is just a bad idea and led by strong situational emotions that are not enough to sustain a relationship for long. For me there would be really few situations where I would do it.

However, there are exceptions. You have to look at each example individually. And the important factor for that usually is the reason or the reasons for the break up. You can sort of try to build a case for getting back together and the question you have to ask then is “Why will that reason/those reasons not cause the same to happen again?“. And I would only really think about getting back together with that person, when I can answer that question well. When I can sort of prove to myself why that is not likely to happen again.

And for many of the possible reasons it is diffccult to do this. If the reason is “We just stopped to love each other.“, well then I would think that can easily happen again.
For many other reasons like personality issues with the other person it would be similar for me.

However, there is a huge gray area there. In my opinion people definitely are able to change. That is no question for me. And if you were completely certain, that the person you broke up changed about the thing that caused you to break up, (and everything else is fitting) then you could get back together again.

But everyone will say that he has changed and I think that few people actually change. So just believing them instantly will send you on a path of much hurt, because those problems are likely to resurface again. So you should be really skeptical about it and not believe them unless you have strong reasons to believe them.

What makes it even more difficult is that it usually is a mix of reasons. Most issues can be worked out, if both sides really want to. A break up can be an indicator that there are more areas of the relationship that are in a bad state. Maybe the love simply is not that strong.

I think that in general, if you broke up before, then it is likely to happen again.
That’s why I usually would not get back together.

That may sound a bit harsh for some. But as I said there are different approaches.
For me it would take a lot to break up in the first place. And if I believe I’m in a relationship with my “the one“ and he loves me, too, then I would just not break up. Almost everything can be solved in some way.

Now you are usually not completely sure about that. That’s the nature of things.
But I would not break up with someone without good reason. I believe that on most things people deserve a second chance. If jealousy is a problem, then you can talk about it and try to solve it together. On some things you just have to work. But if both persons want to, then it rarely is a real reason for a breakup.

However there definitely are a few lines that you just should not cross. And if the other person is important enough for you, then you will not cross them.

(Just as a random note here: Honesty is huge and really important thing for me between people that truly care about each other.)

A breakup is huge and usually hurts. I wouldn’t do that thoughtless. And on the other hand if you broke up with me, the scenario is similar of course. If you want to get back together you have to explain precisely why you broke up with me and why that won’t happen again.

And if you can’t, I won’t go back to you, even if I still like you.

(Sometimes it can be good to take a pause for a while, you do not always have to break up.)

But as said, there are exceptions. Sometimes there is just real character development going on. Some just do not know what they want when they are young. And for gay people there is this angst and coming out-phase that can cause a break up, where it can be worth to get back together later.

There can be good reasons. Occasions on that a broken up couple really should get back together.

And there are good stories that illustrate nice examples for that.

An interesting example that every person of modern pop culture should know ;), is the main story line of “How I met your mother“.

(Spoilers to that series ahead)

Because the protagonist Ted is in a relationship with Robin a few times. In the series they always break up again and always for (more or less) the same reason: Ted wants to have children. Robin does not really want to have children and wants to pursue her carreer. Otherwise they are a good couple and love each other, but that is an issue they can’t really solve.

However in the end of the series it comes out that in the present from which the episodes are told, the mother of Teds almost grown up children is dead for a few years and Robin single again as well. Since Ted has his children and Robin was able to follow her carreer, that is a scenario where it at least could make sense for them to date again.

That is a special (and for some fans of the series a bit controversial) example,
but in general it is possible that getting together can be the right decision.

Each situation is to be looked at individually. How the breakup went, influences the situation as well. Whether both sides decided mutually that a breakup is the right choice or one person broke up with the other shifts responsibilities in terms of coming together again.

Summary: Breakups are (in my opinion) a big thing and should not be taken lightly.
It is possible that getting together is the right choice, but you should be careful and sceptical enough about it, making the reasons for both breaking up and getting together clear for yourself so that you not just get into a doomed relationship.

(The will to believe that a person changed, the fear of loneliness and the pull of a few good memories for example can be strong. On the other hand two people can achieve a lot if they are willingly to really work together.)

Hope it made sense to you. Have a nice day and maybe smile a bit. ;)” – Who4m1

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If you guys ever want to add your two cents to any one of the ‘Q & A’ sessions for future issues of Imagine Magazine, we’d LOVE to hear your input and your personal stories on the forum! Feel free to attach your screen name, or do so anonymously! Drop by “The Shack Out Back” forum on the 1st of every month for a brand new topic of conversation! We look forward to hearing more from you! 🙂

 

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