Dancing on a Star
I lay back on my bed and stared at the ceiling. I couldn’t close my eyes, because when I did, I could imagine myself crashing into the wall ahead. I couldn’t understand what was happening. Worse still, I couldn’t understand how to control what was surely to happen.
After what happened earlier in Tracy’s bedroom, there was no way I could avoid him. He had kissed me! And I enjoyed it! I wasn’t sure where our friendship would go. He’s the one who said we could be like kissing cousins. He had opened a door, and there was no way I was going to slam it shut on him.
But after the confrontation with Jimmy, I knew that there was no way I could be friends with Tracy and Jimmy. There was too strong a divide. Jimmy sided with my mother. Tracy was gay, and that was a bridge that he couldn’t cross.
And if he couldn’t cross that bridge for Tracy, then he surely wouldn’t cross it for me. My bigger problem, however, was my mother. Would she cross the bridge for me if I ever came out? My father confused me. He seemed to like Tracy. Not once had he said anything derogatory about him other than joking to Tracy’s dad that he should have insisted that he take up a man’s sport like baseball rather than ballet. Mr. Crawford was at first insulted, but they seemed to forget about it over a few beers. I was also confused why he had put his hand on my shoulder when I came downstairs. I was sure my mother had discussed with him about the argument we had earlier. Yet, he said nothing during dinner.
I got up from the bed and started pacing around my room. I still had an assignment for literature to complete, but I was still too upset. I walked over to the window, pulled back the curtain and looked over at Tracy’s window. He was standing at the window looking at me. I then remembered his comment as I was leaving his bedroom when he told me to sit on the porch and he would dance for me. I looked at the clock. It was 10:18. I didn’t know how I could sneak outside and sit on the porch without my parents noticing.
Suddenly, my cellphone buzzed. I picked up the phone and noticed a text from Tracy.
Can you watch me dance?
I texted back: I don’t think so
He texted: Turn out your bedroom light
I walked over, locked my bedroom door and turned out the light. I walked over to the window, turned the flashlight on my phone and held it up to the window. Tracy then pulled the blinds up on his window. I watched as he stepped away from the window and moved to the far side of the room. From there, he wouldn’t be seen from the sidewalk.
My phone buzzed again: You watching
My hands shook as I texted back: yeah
I couldn’t believe it when he pulled off the sweats he was wearing and stood nude in the middle of the room. I watched in amazement as he danced naked. I pulled my shorts down and began to stroke my hard dick.
His dance wasn’t erotic but watching him dance naked excited me; I guess because I knew he was doing because he knew I was watching. He glided across the room in such a graceful manner, yet it aroused me. He then stopped, grabbed his dick and began to seductively stroke it. I watched excitedly until I felt my balls tighten and I erupted on the floor. It seemed that he knew because he threw back his head and I watched breathless as he shot out a huge load onto the floor. He disappeared for a few minutes. I reached down, took my underwear off the floor and cleaned the cum from my dick and the floor. When I looked out the window, Tracy was dressed and holding his phone in his hands.
My cell buzzed: you like my dance?
Hell yeah! I replied.
Great! He responded with a smiley face. See you tomorrow.
He then waved and closed the blinds. I put on my shorts and headed across the hall way to take a shower.
My mother wasn’t in the kitchen when I went down for breakfast. My father was sitting at the table talking to Karen about a science project she was working on. He looked up at me when I entered.
“Do you remember, Jack,” he laughed, “that science project you did in the fifth grade?”
“Yeah,” I responded as my face reddened. I prepared a bowl of cereal and a glass of milk before sitting down. I smiled as my father related to my sister how I had almost burned down the garage when I attempted to make a balloon fly with baking soda and vinegar. “I was welding something when it flew over my head and exploded,” he laughed. “Scared the shit out of me.” Karen started giggling and told my father he had said a dirty word. He apologized and told her not to use that word like he did. He looked at me and stated, “It was funny, though.” I nodded my head and smiled.
I was going to ask where mother was when she appeared at the door. She was dressed for work. Without saying anything, she walked over to the coffee pot and poured coffee into a thermos cup. She then left the kitchen without saying goodbye.
My father looked over and frowned. “Give her time, Jack,” he said as he stood, patted me on my shoulder and left the room. I could hear him and my mother speaking angrily at the front door. They were talking low, so I couldn’t make out what they were saying.
After eating, I pulled my backpack over my shoulder and headed out the backdoor. There was no use in waiting on Jimmy because I knew he wouldn’t show. I was already becoming used to the fact that our friendship was probably over. I was also certain that Brian and Tyler would no longer be friends. They were a lot like me, they did whatever Jimmy told them to do.
As I headed down the sidewalk, Tracy ran across the street. He was smiling broadly was he approached. He grinned and asked, “Like my show last night?”
My face turned a bright red. I still couldn’t believe he had danced naked for me, and worse yet, I had cum watching him do it. “Well, did you?” he asked again.
I smiled and replied, “What do you think?”
“Did you cum?” he giggled.
“Did you cum?” he giggled louder. “I did.”
“I saw,” I laughed.
“So, did you?”
My face turned fifty shades of red as I confessed, “Yeah.”
We didn’t say anything more about it. He talked about some of his classes and a few of the boys he found cute. “Do you know anything about Brian Michaels?”
“What?” I asked excitedly. “Brian?”
“Yeah,” smiled Tracy. “He sits beside me in Spanish. I think he’s cute.”
“No!” I warned him. “I’ve known Brian all my life. He’s straight as an arrow.”
Tracy frowned. “Damn. All the cute ones are always straight,” he replied. “Well, anyway, he’s nice eye candy to look at.”
“Just be careful,” I warned him. “In fact, be careful around him and Jimmy.”
“Okay,” he assured me. “Don’t worry. I’ll be careful.”
We talked on the way to school like we had known each other for years. I guess once you feel on a guy and kiss him, you let down your barriers. It was fine as long as we were alone. I was worried what would happen once we entered school.
He followed me to my locker as I took out the books I would need for my morning classes. When I closed my locker, he turned and headed down the hall. I wasn’t sure what I should do. I know he expected me to walk with him, but I was afraid that other students might see me.
A wave of shame overpowered me. I’m gay, but I’m afraid of being seen with another gay boy. I had to make a decision, and I had to make it fast. Tracy turned, smiled and seemed to wait on me. I think he knew what was going on in my mind. We stood and stared at each other for several seconds. A sad look appeared on his face before he turned and started to walk slowly away.
I hollered out, “Hold up, Tracy!” He turned and smiled broadly when I ran up beside him as we headed toward his locker.
After retrieving his books, we headed to the cafeteria. The room was already bustling with the noise of students arriving to school. When we entered, I immediately glanced over at the table where Jimmy and the rest of the gang sat. Tyler nudged Jimmy in the side and pointed at us. Jimmy turned and scowled as we crossed the cafeteria. I glanced out of the side of my eye to see them animatedly talking about us.
Tracy got a box of cereal and a container of milk. “You getting anything?” he asked when he saw me standing off to the side.
“No,” I replied. I was afraid that if I ate anything, I might throw it up. I was afraid that deciding to walk with Tracy might have been a mistake when Jimmy, Tyler and Brian saw me with him. I could imagine that they were making jokes about me and Tracy being boyfriends.
To make matters worse, Tracy saw Jeff sitting alone at a table and headed over to sit with him. He looked over his shoulder to see what I would do. Reluctantly, I followed him to the table and sat down beside Tracy.
Jeff gave me a timid wave and said, “Hi, Jack.”
“Hi, Jeff,” I responded nervously. He was making me uncomfortable because he appeared extremely nervous. You would have thought that the Pope had sat across from him as he stared across the table at me.
Tracy started giggling and said, “You two need to get a room.” Jeff gave Tracy a puzzled look before looking back at me.
I was angry at Tracy because he had promised me he wouldn’t say anything to Jeff about me being gay. However, his comment insinuated that I was. Why else would he have said it?
As if he read my mind, he put his hand on my leg and squeezed it. “Sorry, Jack,” he apologized.
Jeff looked aghast as he stared at Tracy’s hand on my leg. He appeared confused as he asked, “What is going on, Guys?” Tracy quickly removed his hand from my leg.
“Nothing,” replied Tracy. “Nothing’s going on.”
Jeff raised and eyebrow as he continued to stare at us. He started smiling and said, “If you say so.”
I sat speechless. I could tell by the looks that Tracy and Jeff were exchanging that they were somehow communicating to each other that I was gay. Besides, if I wasn’t, why would I be sitting with them? I quickly scanned the tables around me to see if anyone was saying anything about us.
Tracy noticed my actions and started giggling. “Relax, Jack,” he said. “Just tell people I’m new to school, and you’re showing me around.”
Jeff had an amazed look on his face as he continued to stare at me. “Jack?” he asked, “Are you gay?”
I quickly looked over at Tracy. I knew I had made a mistake when I sat down with them. There was no way I could confess to Jeff that I was gay. Not after all the years of avoiding him. Tracy spoke up for me. “Jeff,” he said. “Jack’s sitting with us because I asked him to. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Okay,” responded Jeff skeptically. “If you say so.” Again, he made me uncomfortable as he continued to stare into my eyes. I could tell he knew my secret. But for now, he was accepting that I didn’t want to talk about it.
Tracy and Jeff began to talk about how Tracy was doing in his classes. Tracy told him he found them rather easy because he had learned most of the material last year. He laughed, “And I thought North Dakota was backwards. Most of the stuff I learned last year.”
Jeff laughed and replied, “Well, we aren’t exactly the brightest place in the world.” For some reason, I glanced over at Jimmy, Brian and Tyler. They were still staring over at us.
Just then, the bell rang. I threw my bookbag over my shoulder. “See you later, Guys,” I said to Tracy and Jeff.
“See you second period, Jack,” responded Tracy.
As I exited the door and headed down the hall, someone bumped into me. I almost fell, and I had to quickly regain my balance. Someone muttered, “Fag.” I looked up and saw Jimmy quickly walking away.
As I approached, Tracy was waiting for me outside our second period class. “Hey,” he smiled as I neared him. I quickly looked around to see if anyone was watching us.
“Relax,” he whispered as I walked by. “I’m not going to rape you out here in the hall.” He giggled and added, “Not that I wouldn’t like to.”
I took a seat, and he sat down beside me. Jeff hurried into the room and sat down in front of Tracy. I noticed that Tyler had turned to watch us. I felt the whole thing was getting out of hand. I had Tracy on one side of me pulling me one way. On the other side, Jimmy, Tyler, Brian and all my other friends were tugging on me the other.
I was becoming increasingly worried that I would be pulled in the direction of Tracy. Even though I had known the other guys since I was a boy, I felt that I shared more with Tracy. I had gone past a point of no return, and I was scared to death.
I would feel like a hypocrite if I turned my back on Tracy. We had shared so many secrets together in just the few days we had known each other. I also felt that Jeff was beginning to understand more than I cared for him to know. It would only be a short time until he knew my secret. He almost insinuated he understood at breakfast.
And after befriending Tracy, I didn’t think it would be possible to go back to Jimmy and the others and try to live a lie. Jimmy’s anger toward me seemed to be growing stronger. I doubt he would let me back into our tight little group. Tyler, Brian and the others followed Jimmy like loyal flying monkeys. All he had to do was give the word that I was no longer a friend, and they would do it.
Tracy looked over at me and whispered, “Are you okay, Jack? You look like you’re a million miles away?”
I attempted a smile and replied, “Yeah, I’m okay.” He gave me a concerned look as if he didn’t believe me.
Again, I ditched lunch and went to the library. Normally, a student needs a pass to enter, but the librarian relaxes the rules during the lunch hour. She knows that for many of us, it is the only time of the day we get a chance to work on a research paper or classroom project.
I hid in the back at a study carrel. I was sure that no one could see me. I took out my world history book and attempted to work on a homework assignment, but I couldn’t concentrate. I looked out across the library and studied the students sitting nearby. I wondered how many of them would feel if they knew I was gay.
Times are changing, and more people are beginning to accept gays and lesbians. However, I think that is because they don’t personally know any. At least not at our school. I’ve read articles about how students are accepted at other schools, but I figure those are urban schools with larger numbers of gay students.
But here is different. Everyone knows everyone. We’ve been attending school since kindergarten. I may not be a popular student, but still everyone knows Jack Woolery. They know my mom and dad. My father owns a landscaping business in town, and my mother is the secretary for one of the insurance agents in town. She knows everything from who recently wrecked their car to who had a new roof replaced. Everyone also knows my sister, Stephanie. She graduated a couple of years ago as the salutatorian of her class.
Word travels quickly here. Tracy’s family just moved here last week, but it seems like everyone was already aware of them. Mr. Richmond, before he died, had been mayor for several years. Tracy’s family was referred to as the people who moved into the Mayor’s house.
So, if word gets out that I am gay, then they whole town will know. It will be like last year when Mr. Singleton was caught having an affair with Mrs. Pruitt, the second-grade teacher. She left in the middle of the school year, and Mrs. Singleton filed for divorce. It was the talk of the town for months. Mrs. Singleton still can’t go into a store without someone telling her how sorry they are for her misfortune.
I wonder if that is how it will be for my mother if people discover I am gay. Will they tell her how sorry they feel for her misfortune? Do other mothers try to console Jeff’s mother when she goes into a store. I only heard my mother mention her once, and that was a few years ago. She was telling my father about running into her at a parent teacher conference. At the time, I didn’t think anything about it when she referred to her as a ‘poor thing.’ Now, I think I understand.
Will my father have to explain to other men why he has a gay son? Dad is very masculine. He works outside all day, and he’s in very good shape. There have been many times I think he is ashamed of me because I don’t participate in school sports. He attends many of the school’s sporting events, and I am forced to go along with him. When I was in the eighth grade, he was even the assistant coach for the junior baseball team. For weeks he tried to encourage me to play, but I refused. It’s not like I’m some kind of wimp or something. I’m just not interested like Jimmy and the others are. I enjoy playing basketball at the park with them, but I’m not very good, and I’m the last guy to be picked. Jimmy usually picks me because he feels sorry for me. Then I spend most of the time sitting on the sideline watching the other guys.
As I looked around the library, I noticed Jeff walk in. He walked up to the librarian and handed her a pass. After walking away, he looked around. Suddenly, he noticed me. I tried to hide behind the carrel, but it was too late.
I heard him softly say, “Hi, Jack. What are you doing back here?”
I looked up at him and started to reply. Suddenly, I noticed his beautiful blue eyes, and it was as if my body froze. Words couldn’t form, and I sat gazing up at him.
He waved his hand in front of my face ands started giggling. “Jack,” he asked, “Are you okay?”
I blinked my eyes and replied, “Yeah, sure.” I grabbed my history book and pretended that I had been reading. “I’m just trying to get caught up on an assignment I forgot to do.”
He timidly asked, “Can I sit down?”
“Um,” I nervously replied as I quickly glanced around me, “Sure.”
“I can go someplace else to sit,” he offered when he saw how nervous I was.
“No,” I insisted, “Sit down.” I even pulled the seat out beside me. He pulled his bookbag off his shoulder, tossed it on the carrel and sat down.
He grumbled, “I have a stupid report in science I’m working on. I’m doing a paper on the effects of carbon dioxide on our environment.”
I giggled and replied, “Sounds like fun.”
He smiled and said, “Yeah. Whoopee.” When he did, his eyes seemed to twinkle. Again, I sat and stared into his face. He started to blush and looked away.
He dug into his bookbag and pulled out a paper. As he did, he said softly, “If you don’t quit staring at me like that, I’m going to jump you.”
“What!” I responded nervously.
He giggled and assured me, “It’s okay. I like it.” He looked at me as his cheeks reddened.
I was so surprised by his comments, I pulled away from the table and started to stand. He grabbed my arm and stopped me. “Please, Jack,” he pleaded. “Don’t run away again.”
I reluctantly sat back down. “Look, Jeff,” I said nervously. “I’m sorry.” My face began to redden as he stared at me.
“It’s okay, Jack,” he responded softly. “I just want to be friends. I’m not asking for anything more.”
I hated myself as soon as the words slipped my lips. “But you don’t understand.”
He seemed hurt at first, but he smiled slightly. “I do understand, Jack. I know what the rule is around here.”
I gave him a puzzled look and asked, “What rule?”
A saddened expression appeared on his face. “You guys aren’t supposed to talk to me because I’m gay. I’ve known that for several years.”
I tried to act innocently. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I was too embarrassed to agree with him.
“Yes, you do, Jack,” he replied as he gathered his papers and stuffed them back into his bookbag. As he stood he looked down and warned, “And they’re going to treat you the same way.”
My heart was pounding as I watched him walk down the aisle and exit the library.