So, dancing seems to be the fate the Universe has had in store for me lately.
Danny and I have started ballroom dancing lessons – so there’s that. There’s a wonderful gay couples dance class not far from the condo. It’s a place where men can dance together without feeling weird. Homophobia is a strange thing and it pops its head up in the strangest places. One of those places is dancing schools. This time, the discontent comes more from straight women than straight men! In a way, that makes sense and I can see it. Straight women are usually the ones to drive the going to dance classes. Straight men are usually forced into the situation by their girlfriends and wives. In the end, both learn to dance and can enjoy themselves, but having a man there that only wants to dance with other men, sort of, defeats the grand female scheme of things. So, the answer, for us, was a gay dance school.
It’s held at a club that is usually closed during the day, so the dance floor is nice, though a bit scuffed and dented from the boot stompers during the night. So far, Danny and I have learned West Coast Swing, Foxtrot, and a little Rumba. I like the Rumba one the best, I think. It’s more romantic!
Going back to the ‘girls drive the dance’ idea, I was the one to drive the dance idea for Danny and me, of course. Danny wouldn’t have been caught dead in a dance class, left to his own devices. I begged and pleaded and…things just to get him to try it out. For our anniversary, he broke down and accept an invitation to the gay dance class.
We’ve been cutting up rugs ever since!
I’m not sure we’re going to be doing much clubbing, but we certainly dance at the various dance ‘classics’ that the school puts on with other gay dancing interests around town. We’re promised an event at a club called ‘The Blue Lagoon’ some time. It’s a midcentury-style piano lounge with live music, old fashioned cocktails, and old fashioned dancing! I can’t wait!
What does this have to do with you, Brandon? Not much, I suppose. It’s just that I can’t seem to get away from dances even when I come home to visit with the family. How was I to know that I’d get pressed into service to transport Mee Mee to your High School so she could dance with you at a junior’s dance? She’d been so pushed out of shape being told she couldn’t go by Jamie – the turd! He told Marie that she wasn’t allowed to come to the dance because it was all High Schoolers and that Mom and Pops didn’t want her to go to such things just yet! All of that was complete horseshit! I tried to verify this with the folks and they had no idea what Jamie was talking about and that if Marie wanted to go, I should take her – especially if Brandon was there!
I’m going to thump Shit-For-Brains Jamie for this one! What? Did he want Brandon all to himself? Hmmmm.
Meh, more than likely he just didn’t want to be ‘embarrassed’ in front of his dickwad club by having his ‘widdle’ sister hanging around. When will Jamie realize that Marie is three times cooler than he will ever be!
In any case, I got Marie to the dance, you were dressed as adorably as ever, and I was shocked near to death to see Jamie actually out on a dance floor! Admittedly, I couldn’t call what he was doing ‘dancing,’ exactly, but…he was trying.
I had to split before I got arrested for knocking Karl on his keister. What a boor! So, I missed you dancing it up with Mee Mee. She was so excited! You realize, that was her first real dance!
It’s wonderful to see you opening up, Brandon! I think that confession to me and the few talks we’ve had since then have given you some confidence! I hope that confidence grows and grows until the point when you can finally snag that dream-boy of yours!
Anyways, last time we talked you confessed to me your feelings for the boy, Billy Chase. I can tell love in a voice when I hear it. You’re really ass-over-teakettle for this guy, aren’t you? That’s…so cute! Awww, first love is such a cool thing! It can also be painful…especially if it might not be requitable.
You tell me he’s got a girl and that they are together a lot, even showing kissy-faceness in public on the lunch line. Normally, that wouldn’t be such a good sign that he might be interested in boys, of course. But, you tell me he seems ‘awkward’ when this Joanne gal goes after Billy in that way. It might be left over ‘puppy-shyness,’ as I like to call it. That thing little boys have when they are being affectionately harassed by some female of the species – be it a girl or Aunt Gertrude. But, it could also be that this relationship isn’t as much his idea as it is her’s!
The myth is that guys are always the ‘aggressors’ in a relationship. I’ve not found that to be the case at all! At least, not in my experience. I know all the near heterosexual relationships I’ve gotten into have been initiated by the girl, not me. I’ve been pretty square with myself being as I am. My instincts to love guys have always been strong and I’m a stubborn redhead that is difficult to sway in any other direction! So, it’s possible that this whole relationship of Billy’s might not be entirely his idea!
The very things that attract you to him are attracting girls too. There’s a reason why so many girls manage to get gay friends. We think remarkably alike as far as boys go, while the gay guy has enough guy genes to clue girls into how a guy thinks about things. Whatever is driving you crazy about Billy is, probably, driving Joanna crazy too (and any other girls that he might be attracting). If he struggles with his sexuality like you do then this Joanne might actually be Billy’s ‘beard’. The older gays in the community like to call a girl like that a ‘beard’ – a girl that makes a gay guy not look gay in public.
If this is the case, then Billy might actually be in the market for you. You’ll have to be patient and observe Billy. Your friendship with him is ideal because he’ll start to reveal things as you guys go along. You’ll know, before long, if he really is into Joanna as thought.
This is the dance gay guys have to do all the time. The do-see-do of seeing which way a guy might swing. Is he gay or isn’t he? If they are gay, are they ready to come out yet? If they are out, are they ready for a relationship? If they are…then you can finally get to the part where straight people start at – would the guy like me enough to go out with me if I asked him?
I’ll say this is made much easier ‘hunting’ in a gay venue like the bars and clubs down here in Boystown or by using one of the gay dating apps. But, none of those avenues are open to you yet, Brandon. Also, the one you want couldn’t be found in those places anyway since you have your heart set on someone already. Ah High School!
I can’t say I miss it much.
But, then again, I found Danny just by meeting him one day in my coffee shop! That seems to be the way to go. Let Fate decide! Love will come when it comes. All you have to do is be patient and be ready when you see it staring you right in the face!
Well, Brandon, I just read your latest email.
‘Dopey look in the eyes’ is how you described how Billy stared at you today.
I’d say this dance of yours between you and Billy continues! I assure you, just like I said, it is not usual for one guy to look longingly into another guy’s eyes and it not mean what it definitely looks like it means. If your gaydar isn’t screaming off the hook, Kid, then there’s no hope for ya!
Ah, maybe that’s a little strong. There’s always hope!
I suppose it takes a little time to trust that instinct. Worries and doubts that the mind creates often corrupt the efforts of the heart to tell what’s true. I swear we should be more like animals, sometimes. They think more with their hearts than their heads. Particularly dogs. Dogs react to you on a visceral (that means gut) level. They either really like you or they really don’t. You don’t have to wonder with them. They’re all truth about their feelings.
No dancing about! Just licking kisses or barking growls. If they do dance then it is either a happy dance to see you or a ‘I gotta pee’ dance. Hehehe! I’m watching our little Pomeranian, Terrance, right now as he stares at me longingly while at the same time doing that little dance twirl to get my attention that he needs to go out. If only people could be that honest with each other.
We’re such a snakey group, us human beings. We keep secrets and we lie to others and ourselves. We let our brain drag us around like a rag doll when we should be letting our hearts be our guides.
Maybe we should learn a bit more from our dogs.
Cats too, I’ll bet. I met your cat – Chester was it? I remember I had a cat when I was a kid. They’re very similar to dogs in honesty if not more honest. When they like you (today) they love you! When they don’t like you (that moment) they’ll let you know that pretty quickly also. There really are no mysteries.
People, basically, are the same, deep down. Despite what they say, they can’t really hide something as strong as affection for someone. I guess the point of all my previous blather is to say that you should watch Billy rather than just listen to him. Keep observing these clues that he’s into you, Brandon, and encourage them if you can. You’ll see what you’re looking for and the the more you encourage it, the safer Billy will feel about coming out to you.
Become his ‘safe harbor’ for his feelings. Being a trusted friend is a good start to opening a potential boyfriend up to you. While dating Danny, I did this rather instinctively. I wanted to know more about him and treated each little revelation like the treasure it was! Even the not so great parts are things that I treasure because he trusts me with them!
Build that trust with Billy. Later, when you have built it up, you can then test his resolve toward you. But, that will be for later.
That will be a different dance I’ll need to teach you.