Do you want me to be honest?
I think the best word I can describe my feelings at this moment is that I am dismayed.
Yeah, that’s not a word your typical fifteen year old would use, but it is the best one I have for the way I feel right now.
For the first time, I’m really doubting Chandler’s advice! I haven’t hardly seen Billy for the past couple of days! When we sat together once yesterday, he was just not there! Like he didn’t even want to be near me! I must have ‘manipulated’ too much! I must have pushed him away too hard! Instead of making him want me more, I’ve gone and made him not want me at all! My fish has cut the line and has swum away!
I haven’t had the courage to call Chandler on this. I know he’s busy and I shouldn’t be bugging him about this stuff all the damn time! I have to figure some of this out on my own! Especially, if what he’s telling me to do about Billy is going to backfire this badly!
I honestly don’t know if I should be doing this to myself. I can’t be carrying on over a boy I know hardly anything about, really. I’m just not . . . ok enough, I guess. I’m afraid I’ll crack for sure this time. My Dad always tells me I have a lot of my Mama’s passion in me. It’s always been something he’s loved about my personality, he’s told me. But, he also has told me to be careful of it because it can get me into trouble if I let it get the better of me.
I think my passion has, pretty much, gotten the better of me these past few months. All the mooning and dreaming over a boy that, likely, I’ll never have in the way I want is starting to wear a wound in my heart – a raw spot that aches when I think of Billy at all these days.
Anyway, I went to that concert with Bobby tonight. I hoped it might distract me from my growing heartache, but, actually, I just found it all loud and irritating. I had the good sense to bring my ear buds so I could block out some of that thrumming awful noise the band was putting out. Bobby loved it since they are a favorite band of his, so I don’t think he picked up on the fact that I was just . . . there. I wasn’t really there there, though. That’s a lot of ‘THs’ . . .
When the concert finally ended Bobby was so excited and amped about the whole experience that he basically became a complete chatterbox for the rest of the night. We went for a late night pizza. I didn’t even eat. I just wanted to go home. Don’t ask me all he blathered about. I have no idea.
I was glad of my room when I finally got back here. My Dad stayed up for me and asked me how it was. I just said ‘it was fine’ and went to bed. I have half a mind to call Chandler, but it is late and I think I just want to sleep. My ears are ringing despite the ear buds.
I don’t think I’ll be buying any Scaur music in the near future.
I definitely needed a change of pace.
Bobby wanted to go to the Mall again today, but I honestly think I’ve had enough ‘Bobbyness’ for a while so I got out of it with a ‘Dad Chore’ excuse. I also thought of calling Chandler to discuss this mess with Billy, but I didn’t really know what to ask or say. It failed. It didn’t work and I drove Billy away. What else is there to ‘clarify’? Nothing, actually. Perhaps you, Mr. Hacker, would have thought I should have called Billy to ‘clear the air,’ so to speak. Nope. My emotional energy is gone for a while where he’s concerned. I have to back away. This is just getting too real, I guess.
I found myself on my bike riding to, of all places, Stevie’s Skater Park. He wasn’t there, which was odd, but I sat by just to watch some of the others.
That’s when something new happened! Actually, someone new!
I was just sitting, sort of, staring at movements, and tricks, and catching glimpses of the tops of bare butts as the Skaters would forget to hitch up their shorts off of their skinny hips, when one of them stopped and popped his skateboard into his hand with a deft flip from his toe. He turned and walked over to me.
It was a moment, I suppose, people have when they see Jamie Cross for the first time. Sun backlighting long golden sandy locks of hair and a compact, but strong body with the light sparkling off of the fine blond hairs on his bare muscular legs.
In the slight shadow on his face I could see bright blue eyes, set in a perfectly tanned handsome face, with the kind of engaging smile that can only come from a Skater Dude. It’s a little mischievous but friendly and completely free spirited.
He plopped down next to me with a sigh and plucked out some sunflower seeds he had in his barely fitting loose cargo shorts.
“Want some?” He said, with a deeper voice than I thought a guy his age might have. He looked my age or, maybe, a year older.
“No thanks. I appreciate it though.” I said in a voice that was my typically soft shy voice when meeting new people.
“My name’s Benji or Ben, if you like. You’re one of Stevie’s friends, huh?” Benji asked.
“Yeah, you have a good memory! My name’s Brandon. You’re really good with that thing!” I pointed at the board he held between his legs.
“Um, LOL! What, has Stevo been talking about me again?” Benji laughed an open, ‘Hahahah’ kind of laugh that wasn’t in any way guarded. It was just as open and free as he seemed to be!
The sexual innuendo wasn’t lost on me, but I managed to recover pretty smoothly, “No-o! I was talking about your board!” I laughed too which made Benji really start laughing and he sort of clapped me on the back and . . . massaged my shoulder a bit. Hmmmm…it really felt nice!
“It works for me . . . the board, that is! I practice with both my things on a daily basis! Hahaha!” Benji laughed again that free, breath of fresh air, laugh and then managed to go through eight sunflower seeds, cracking them in his mouth, and spitting the shells out. It was fascinating watching those full pink lips and tongue work that . . . well.
“So! Last time you were around here, I think you said you didn’t Skate! Howcome?” Benji, mercifully, changed the strange flirty conversation we were having into something more . . . boyish.
“Oh, I don’t know. It just never occurred to me, I guess.” That was the truth. Also, my Dad was not thrilled with skateboards so he didn’t get me one. I don’t think he’d have let me have one even if I’d asked.
“Yeah, it’s kind of a dying art, I guess. My older brother got me into it just like our uncle got him into it. You can say my fam is, like, totally generational that way. Skaterbois from WAY back! Hahaha!” Benji said with easiness. He then laid back on the warm concrete with his hands tucked behind his head. His midriff became visible as his t-shirt pulled up and his shorts, kind of, slipped down enough to where I could see a bit more ashy blond hair down there than I was used to seeing outside of a gym shower! The boy was ripped! He sported a full six-pack already! That Skater Stuff must make for one hell of a workout!
“So, like, if you don’t Skate, why do you come down here? Just to watch?” Benji said with his eyes closed and the sun shining on his warm tan skin.
“I suppose. I did come down here to see if Stevie was here, but . . . what can I say? You guys are so good at this that it makes for quite a show for a non-skater like me.” I found myself having to dodge some incredible Gaydar pinging! I realized, then, that Benji was very good at this Gaydar business!
“Non-skater, huh? We need to change that. A guy with your legs and build would make a perfect Skater!” Benji said this so matter-of-factly that I almost missed it as a, possibly, deeper compliment than the words themselves were telling.
Benji wasn’t only pinging me . . . he was hitting on me! Woah! Now Chandler’s lessons were starting to pay off!
An instinct took over me just then. A rhythm of a kind that I’d not experienced before with another guy! I automatically returned the flirtatious thing going on between me and this handsome stranger.
“You offering to teach me how to use that thing?” I replied in a lower and softer voice than I’d used before.
“If you want . . .” Benji turned his head slightly, with one eye closed and the other squinted a bit from the sun, and gave me a lop-sided grin that made my heart beat a little faster. The way he said it was in a similar deeper voice to mine. I could see a light blush rise in his tanned cheeks as he smiled.
“Wow! Hey Brandon! Hey Ben-And-Jerry! Cool!” Stevie was suddenly just there like he’d popped in like a genie! For some reason, I suddenly felt like I was a kid caught with my hand in a cookie jar. I hope I didn’t look guilty of anything because, honestly, all that was going on in my head might not have been what was going on between me and Benji at all!
“Hey Steve-Stick! Howzit hanging, Brah?” Benji reached up and did fist bumps with Stevie and then a weird handshake thing that was too quick for me to quite get how it was done.
“Everything’s still all there last I checked! Wow! How cool is it you two got together already! I was going to introduce you to Ben-And-Jerry the last time you were here, Brandon! He’s, kind of like, a legend around here!” Stevie almost looked smitten the way he said that last part.
“Dude, what the fuck? HAHAHA! I ain’t no legend!” ‘Ben-And-Jerry’ laughed and looked down bashfully!
Ok, I had to know what was with the ‘Ben-And-Jerry’ reference, so, “Ben-And-Jerry?” I asked!
They only looked at each other with the strangest ‘cahoots’ look I’ve ever seen and started snickering at one another.
“Heh, it’s just a nickname, Dude!” Benji was still blushing when he said this staring at the ground for a second and then mischievously back at ‘Steve-Stick’.
Stevie, paused in his snickering, but the look on Benji’s face just made him bust out snickering harder.
“Fuck Off, ‘Steve-Stick!’ Hehehe!” Benji playfully waved ‘Steve-Stick’ away.
Hehehe . . . ok. I’m not that dense! I think I was reading between the lines just fine and it only confirmed things for me with Stevie.
Basically, Benji is as lickable as Ben and Jerry’s ice cream! Ok, Stevie! You’ve earned your perv points for the day with that one!
This may also have answered that tantalizing question I started to have with Benji: He was hitting on me!
After a short, awkward silence, Benji jumped up (causing his very loose cargo shorts to fall down even lower on his hips and exposing more of what looked to be a beautiful rear end) and popped his board into his hand.
“Come on, Brand-X! I got a spare board back here. Let’s turn you into a Skater Boi!” Benji said, bestowing upon me my official Skater Boi nickname!
By the way? I think ‘Brand-X’ is probably the best nickname I’ve ever heard! 😀
I can’t say that I really ‘learned’ how to skateboard as I was way too chicken to fall on rough concrete over and over, but Stevie, Benji, and me did have fun just goofing around. Later, we hit a pizza joint up the street and shared the smallest cheese pizza that we could afford. It wasn’t much so now I know how these guys stay so skinny!
God bless them both! They made me feel comfortable in my own skin for an afternoon without judgement or expectations! They even helped me take the ache out of my heart over driving Billy off.
Unfortunately, in these wee hours of the morning where I can’t sleep, the loss comes back hurting more than ever!
I can only hope Chandler is right and this is a ‘processing’ stage for Billy. I asked him about it in an email tonight before I was supposed to go to sleep. He came right back and said all that had happened with Billy was to be expected. If he didn’t care, he wouldn’t have gotten so ‘verklmpt’. There’s that word again! He really likes that word!
So, this is Brand-X hoping what Chandler says is true, figuring it probably won’t be, and wondering if, God help me, Billy isn’t going to be my dream come true after all. If he isn’t, I have options . . . one way or another, I have a feeling I’m going to be stepping into a whole new world with this Gay stuff very soon!
I can only hope I can be ready for it.
This is Brand-X, trying to stay on this damned skateboard and not fall off!