I can’t seem to get Benji out of my mind.
I found myself waking up, grinding away into my huggy-pillow again and totally remembering the dream I was having. Naturally, being me, I feel guilty about it, but not to the same degree I might have earlier this year. I know it’s perfectly natural for my hormone-crazy body to react to every little sexy thing it can, so I’m not guilty at all about that stuff anymore. My guilt is weird now. It’s . . . different.
How can someone cheat on someone in their dreams when 1) they aren’t in a relationship with them and 2) that someone isn’t interested in them anyhow? Maybe, that’s why I feel, kind of, guilty and a little sad by the whole thing.
I’m feeling guilty for the other dream I once had that Billy and I would, like, fall in love and live happily ever after. I feel guilty that I’m losing that dream and that this new dream and this new boy are coming in to fill that space that I wanted Billy to fill. I feel like I’m betraying my hope in Billy. But then, I’m pretty sure that this has all been in my head from the beginning. Every little thing that he’s done or said that I thought meant something more really didn’t mean anything. I only wanted it to mean something. I also feel guilty for not living up to Chandler’s expectations of me.
That last little bit with Billy there going into school; the way he just turned away and suddenly became a stranger to me . . . that told me all I needed to know. I wish Chandler had been right about trying to wring a confession of love out of Billy with ‘games,’ but, you see, I’ve never been good with mind games. I don’t know how to play them right and I know that when I feel they’re being done to me I . . .
. . . just give up on the person playing them, I guess.
There’s gonna be only one way for me through any of this and that’s pure honesty with myself, those I’m involved with, and even those that try to teach me the ‘right’ way to ‘do this Gay thing’.
Eventually, I’ll just need to fess up to my Dad, to Billy, to Stevie, to Bobby and, yes, now even to Benji that I’m Gay and that I was made as I am, acceptable or not!
If only I had the courage to just do that! But, Chandler’s right about one thing, in my stage of life right now, as dependent as I am and as locked into school as I am, I have to be very careful how I go about things. I love my Dad and I’m sure he loves me, but I don’t know if I can . . . trust him enough with my sexual orientation. He might see it as a betrayal and then I’d loose the only parent I have left! If I come clean to Billy and others and it catches fire at school, my life won’t be worth a hill of beans. My life in school, from then on, would make poor Jimmy LaPlane’s experience seem like Disney World . . . and he tried to kill himself!
Here’s me, back on the Merry-Go-Round. Around and around Brandon goes, wherever he ends up nobody knows . . .
Anyway, enough with my craziness! I’ll just accept this for what it is. It’s no shame for me to tell you, Dear Hacker. You know too much already. I admit to have the shivering HOTS for Ben-And-Jerry! It’s not like the cute and slightly naughty feelings and thoughts I get with Billy sometimes. This is completely a physical reaction! The more I think of that tantalizing bit of golden pubes I got to see when Benji stretched out like that in the sun on Sunday just gives me a shiver of horniness right up my back! The way he flexed those abs and the way he smiled that lopsided grin and squinted those beautiful sea-blue eyes just makes me harder than diamonds.
My dream found us at the skateboard park, of course, but the sun was setting and it had been a hot, hot day. We’d both been skateboarding. Well, in my dream I’d been skateboarding, but I know in real life I’d have gotten a broken back with all the stunts I was pulling in my dreamland. Anyway, we were walking along and both of us were so-o sweaty! Benji peeled his shirt off to show off ALL of his torso! My mind must have been doing some calculations with what I could just make out of Benji’s body with what he showed me in real life, because it had come up with something you might see in a porn movie or on a Greek statue! The abs were all there, but they were cupped by his smooth lats and just above that were his two pronounced pecs dotted with the two cutest little brown-pink nipples on the planet! When he turned away from me to pull his shirt over his head I saw the full extent of his back! Shoulder blades that you could have dinner on and a long sinewy lower back with the line of his perfect spine dipping down and then disappearing into the V that starts the globes at the top of his butt! His butt . . . well, I’m getting ahead of myself.
There was only a slight fuzz of light blond hair on his legs that contrasted with his pink and chestnut skin, but, other than that, he was hairless. His tan could put a California surfer to shame! He must spend a lot of time outside during the summer to get a tan like that in the Chicago area! My dream was putting that together from memory because that was the color of the parts of his skin I could easily see at the park.
As we came to his house and we went in with me following him, he turned and saw me looking, which should have made me feel bashful, but in the dream, of course, I was all confidence and poise! Ha! If only that Brandon could please stand up in reality every now and then!
He got that lop-sided grin again, but this time, without him being all squinted up because of the sun, I could see just how big, blue, and sparkly Benji’s eyes were! In my dream, he’s, what my Greek Mythology books call an Adonis – the perfection of golden young manhood!
“You like what you see?” Benji asked me as he turned toward me and rocked his shoulders playfully with his hands on his slim hips.
I didn’t answer, but he must have seen the answer in my eyes because he just walked right up to me and gently grabbed my package through my shorts! It’s funny, but in dreams I rarely ever say anything and it was no different here! All I felt was that hand massaging me, those blue eyes locking on mine, that lop-sided grin going, uh, not lop-sided! He got an almost devilish smile!
“Yeah . . . now I know you do!” Benji breathed sexily into my face!
He let go and backed away, undoing his own cargo shorts and letting them drop. Before me he stood naked as the day he was born, since I already knew Benji didn’t seem to wear underwear!
His boyhood was big, but not massive. It was very reddish, but not yet fully erect. It had a beautiful strawberry head that promised a much larger tool when fully locked and loaded. My eyes took in all of what I saw in that beautiful body! His shoulders were wide and strong and round, his pecs were full and dotted with those erect pink nipples. His six-pack flexed just under the surface of his smooth tanned skin while those abs tucked into that beautiful V that points to his throbbing sexual delight! A light dusting of those blond pubic hairs circled that delight I so wanted!
He turned and the pale mounds of his butt bubbled out to me. His was round, squeezably soft, but firm! It was the natural peach-white color he would be if he wasn’t sun-kissed all over except for his ‘unmentionables’ as Cedrick calls them. The cups of his shifting bottom muscles crowned two muscular thighs that must have been the strongest muscles in Benji’s body – thighs and legs only a practiced Skaterboi could manage! His ass’s valley was deep and dark, but clean and with only a little fuzziness to let me know he was just a little more grown up than I was.
In my dream, Benji wasn’t skinny in any way, but a porn model that was filled out in all the right ways!
As he beckoned me to follow him, I did so like in a trance! Benji’s beauty had hypnotized me! All I wanted was to touch him! To feel him! To LOVE him!
We ended up in his bathroom that must have been much bigger than anything I figure Benji’d have in real life! It had one of those shower rooms that closes off with glass doors and a step down pool-bath off to the side! I must have seen such a thing in a movie or Bravo Channel TV show once for it to show up in my dream.
He boldly walked up to me and ran his hands up my bare stomach and chest under my shirt. When he found my own nipples he began to tweak them. His hands then rode up my arms under my shirt which caused it to come up over my head and off my body. He threw it away like an unwanted rag! He put his hands back on my pecs and leaned in, closed his eyes, and covered my mouth with a soft, velvet kiss. I let his tongue inside and that was the first time I felt him inside me. I would soon feel him again a second time in another way . . .
His hands reached around me, felt down my naked back, and found my ass cheeks through my shorts. He squeezed them and pulled me in tight next to his naked body! In my sleep, this must have been when I was starting to breathe hard because I was doing that in my dream too! So was he!
He moaned a small quiet strained moan as i felt his diamond hardness press against mine through my clothes. With a smack, our lips parted and my world became his blue eyes, flushed face, look of desperate horniness, full lips and then . . . that lop-sided smile as he felt down into my shorts to squeeze my naked butt in his hands. Inside my loose shorts, he slipped his hands around my hips and the sudden ticklishness in my groin where his fingers were caused my hips to arch away from his touch a bit. This only helped Benji in what he was trying to do – unpants me!
“Oh, fuck, Brandon! You’re so-o smooth and hard! Can I?” Benji asked before doing what he did next. I nodded, unable to talk around the lump in my dream throat.
He took one hand from inside my shorts to the button and zipper and pulled them apart, causing my shorts to slide instantly away leaving me as naked as Benji was!
We stood looking into one another’s eyes for a breathless moment and then down our fronts. Benji’s hand reached and gently wrapped around my straining member. If it hadn’t been a dream, I’m sure I’d have gone off right there! Even in the dream, the tingly-hot pleasure of another boy’s strong hand clutching my most sensitive part nearly sent my dream-self over the edge!
“Y-you are so . . . beautiful!” I found myself saying, almost like I couldn’t believe who I was with and what I was seeing!
“Not nearly as beautiful as you! You look like poured cream!” Benji rasped lustily.
Leading me by my member we went into the bath pool which was, of course, magically full – thanks dream! The warm water just made everything feel more sensitive and alive! I could tell because once in the water, Benji was rubbing me down all over with the water and some kind of oil. A little roughly he turned me around . . . that’s when I knew I wasn’t going to be a virgin anymore . . . at least not in my dream.
He pressed himself up behind me and I could feel his granite hardness not do what JOEseph had done to me in real life, but something far more intimate. I felt the head of his erection probe directly into my hole and the feeling suddenly drove me mad with pleasure! The warm water and oil all mixed together with this sudden sensual pressure. It was a pleasure I’d only felt once before with another person and that was when it was with Marie, except I knew this was going to be way more than that this time!
“Is this , , , uhn . . . ok?” Benji asked timidly in my ear, sounding like he was barely able to restrain himself.
“Yeah! Please! Fuck me! Please, Please do it! Push it in!” I heard myself whine.
Now, I’ve never had this kind of sex in my life. Certainly, I’ve seen it done plenty of times with what I can find on the Internet. But, I’ve never really been penetrated in this way before by another person, except the mild fingering Marie did that one time in the park.
I will say that since that experience with Marie, I have been . . . experimenting. I haven’t put it down here yet because, well . . . it seems even too personal to put into this journal blog thing! But, since I’m already spilling about this dream, I’ll explain how I can, sort of, almost know what anal sex might actually feel like.
See, I found an interestingly shaped hairbrush at the drug store. I bought it and it’s been, kind of, um – perfect to play with . . . if you catch my drift! It has a contoured handle that’s about 5” long that tends to be more knobby at the end, but still . . . tapered. Um . . .
Anyway, it’s also not, like, real hard plastic. It’s, kind of, rubbery and squishy so . . . pretty close to a dildo so I don’t have to find a way to smuggle a real one in under my poor innocent Daddy’s nose!
I’ve learned how to, carefully, use it to – um – I guess, fuck myself with it? I’ll admit, I got pretty scared the first time I tried. I knew enough to use some water based lotion to lube the thing up with, but even then, the first time hurt and I’d thought I’d done some damage! I learned later that it was just a cramp my body does in there when something seems to be going in the wrong way. I found that if I’m gentle about it, I can, sort of, tease myself open, if that isn’t too gross for you Nameless Hacker. You can stop reading at this point if you want . . . I know I’m getting a bit, um, technical here.
So, after some persistence, I managed to work the thing all of the way in and, once I’d learned how to deal with the ‘Cramp’, I found another name for heaven! I found that if I work my make-do dildo just right, I can have the kind of climax that goes full body! The first time I experienced what they call a Prostate Orgasm, I was glad I was alone in the house – except for poor Chester who actually did come to my door and meow for me after he heard the almighty warhoop I made my first time finding The Spot!
I guess there’s no trying to talk myself out of being Gay now . . . not only do I like boys, I also would like them to penetrate me! I know now that would be my preference. They call it being a Bottom in Gay culture. Apparently, that’s Chandler’s preference too. I haven’t told him about my experiences yet, but I probably will now.
So, back in the dream . . .
I felt Benji push into me and, of course being a dream, there was no Cramp or anything, just the good feelings! The ticklish pressure of having him go inside and the increasing pleasure-pain shivering in me as he pushed in deeper until . . . BANG!
Clearly, right out of the dirty videos I’d must have seen, between Benji’s moans and whimpers, he whispered into my ear a desperate, “Oh – Uhg! Oh My G-God! Y-yer sooo TIGHT! ~shuddering breath~”
BANG! BANG! BANG! He pounded me, and I felt with each hit on my Spot that it was like a regular orgasm I’d have when I’m whacking off. I guess I was moving back on him too because, eventually he was sitting on the edge of the bathtub pool and I was reverse banging him!
I suppose, doing it that way, I was too much for him to handle because he didn’t last long after that! Those porn videos are great for the imagination!
“Brandon! Guh! I’m gonnaAUGGH . . .!” He cried out as he came and that’s when I felt myself cum in real life since the ‘reverse banging’ must have been me regular-banging my poor rape-pillow again. If that poor thing has baby pillows, it will be all my fault!
So, here I am, awake with my very wet pillow and a dream of boysex that . . . might actually happen one day soon! With the way Benji was looking at me at the park, the way he flirted with me . . . it’s a big possibility he and I might – you know – make dreams come true!
The funny thing is, despite all this, I can say it’s clear that I have the molten HOTS for this blonde babe, but even so . . . it’s not the same feeling I get with Billy. As hot as this dream was, it’s not like that one I had with Billy and me in the park! Just the memory of that one brings me close without touching myself! It’s the thing I think most about when I am making use of my hairbrush. Along with the sexy feelings comes this indescribably ‘Sweet Ache’! Benji makes me tingle, but . . .
Billy makes me ache!
Again, this brings me back to why I might need to try to forget about things with Billy since, I don’t think, anything like this can happen with Billy. So, that sweet ache inevitably turns into a bitter ache that hurts and makes me so, so sad!
I’m done with sadness! I think I’ve had more than my fill of it at my young age! Benji makes me . . . happy!
I have a feeling, I’ll be seeing him again very soon! When I do . . . I can’t guarantee that this dream I just had won’t become a reality!
I have needs. I’m sorry Billy, but maybe Benji can literally . . . fill them where you can’t.
But . . . if only you could! If only . . . you would!
Then I wouldn’t just be happy . . . I’d be in ecstasy!
This is Brandon, The Lonely Power Bottom.