BBW: The Story of a Guy Who Went Forth to Learn What Fear Was!

October 30, 2015, by Wolfie

BBW – Big Bad Wolf News

—From our partners at GBW – Großer Böser Wolf Nachrichten

Halloween – on the other side of the Great Pond, it’s supposedly one of the biggest holidays of the year. That’s why I decided to see for myself what it was all about, and how scary it really was.

Upon arriving at the airport, I was a little disappointed. There were no grinning pumpkins rolling around on the baggage carousel, and no skeletons were strung up next to the immigration and customs people. They didn’t even hand out any candy, which I had assumed to be a big part of this holiday. I really had been looking forward to the free candy! But I didn’t lose hope just yet; maybe I would find the real America outside of the airport. And I was right!

I got my first real scare when I entered the local consumer paradise, Walmart. It wasn’t as if the store was decorated, or as if the employees were wearing particularly fear inducing costumes, but apparently they had hired a group of people to wear the most hideous outfits and walk around the store, scaring the regular customers. Most of those scary people appeared to be wearing fat suits under their tight spandex leggings and tank tops. Others were wearing loose sweat pants, showing off their butt cracks. What a frightening sight! Much to my surprise, none of the other regular customers seemed to pay much attention to those costumed freaks. But I was most unnerved by the ones riding the electric scooters, with layers of fake fat hanging down either side of the seat, and with their shopping baskets filled to the brim with frozen TV dinners and candy.

I figured that the candy was a treat for the customers, so I approached one of the riding monsters, yelled “Trick or treat!”, and grabbed one of the candy bars. Or at least I tried to. I almost lost my hand when the screeching harpy snapped at me and tried to bite me. Apparently I hadn’t quite figured out this peculiar holiday yet.

In order to calm my nerves and to get rid of some of those pictures in my head, I bought a bottle of cinnamon flavored Fireball whiskey (going with the seasonal taste) and a box of pumpkin flavored Twinkies. I disguised the bottle in a plain brown paper bag, thus making it invisible for anyone who might be looking at me.

A few sips of the whiskey did wonders to soothe me, so I decided to check out a regular neighborhood in order to see how normal people decorated their places for Halloween. After a short walk, I ended up in an upscale neighborhood called ‘Green Acres Trailer Park’, which sounded like a pretty fancy place to me. The people here had done a great job with their decorations. I think they were going for a dystopian future theme, with old cars on cinder blocks in every other front yard. Almost like a Mad Max movie. Munching a Twinkie and taking another sip from my hidden bottle, I strolled down the street, admiring the dedication of the people who had dressed up in artfully stained white undershirts. Fires in empty oil drums added some nice mood lighting in the early evening.

Then I came across what I figured must be one of those scary open house things I had read about. People were sitting on an old couch in front of their home, pretending to drink beer and smoking sweet smelling cigarettes. From inside there came screams and shouts, along with the sound of breaking dishes. Those people really went all out to create a realistic atmosphere. Feeling pleasantly buzzed, I decided to grab one of the complimentary beverages out of the cooler next to the couch before checking out the house. I barely made it halfway across the front lawn before people started yelling at me, throwing empty cans. What a great show! Though when a dog suddenly came running around the house, snarling and barking, I changed my mind about going inside and instead quickly retreated.

Judging from the laughter that followed me down the street, the people at the open house had a great time. At least I had contributed to their entertainment, even though I still didn’t quite understand how this holiday worked.

Eventually I came to a city park where I sat on a bench and had some more whiskey. There wasn’t much left in the bottle. A few minutes later I was approached by a guy (or maybe two; for some reason I couldn’t see clearly anymore). I wasn’t quite sure what he wanted at first, but when he moved towards some bushes and motioned for me to follow, it dawned on me. He wanted me to hide with him and wait for the Great Pumpkin to appear. I definitely was up for that!

So I quickly stumbled through the dark park, feeling my way through the undergrowth into a small secluded area. My new friend was already on his knees, smiling at me. I wanted to sit down next to him, but before I could do so he was already fumbling with my belt, trying to undo my pants. Was that part of some Halloween ritual too? I swallowed the rest of my whisky, trying to clear my head, but for some reason that didn’t quite work. When my pants fell down to my ankles, the world went dark around me.

I woke up when the Great Pumpkin was finally rising, blinding me with its brilliance. Or so I thought at first. In reality it was the beam of a flashlight, held by a guy in a policeman costume. I smiled at him and went back to sleep, with my pants still around my ankles.

The next time I woke up, I was in a small room with a barred door and window. My shoes were gone, and so was my belt. I will never understand all those weird Halloween traditions and rituals!

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